believer in my Maker & Savior

I didn’t have plans last night of waking up early. All I knew was that I was tired and that I needed to rest. When I opened my eyes this morning, I remembered that Brent would be in the ANI room today, just until 1030. I needed to reimburse over a hundred from him for the expenses I made in behalf of Alay ni Ignacio. At first, I actually planned not to reimburse anymore, but I realized that I only have only a few pennies in my wallet. I needed money, since I’ve been spending a lot and too much lately. When I withdraw, I have this tendency to buy what I want and what I need, especially food. (shucks!)

So I went to school and got 126 pesos from Brent. I stayed in ANI room for around 30 minutes and I learned from Edward, Isay and Miko that they slept in school because of the Another ANIght Stand. I was shocked since I thought the thing was just until 9:00 in the evening last night. Anyway, I went to the infirmary afterwards and checked my weight. (omi…I gained 5 pounds! This is a lot. I need to stop eating carbs again! It was Ate Elaine’s supelicious chocolates’ sin.! Eeeeehhhggggg!) I also dropped by the OAA board and read some announcements. I was having second thoughts on signing up to be a guidance-testing proctor, so to get 10 hours of service hours but it’s on June 5 and my elementary friends are planning to watch Harry Potter on that day, so I decided not to! I just went home, and left again for RTC.

I arrived home early and dropped by the supermarket to buy some merienda for Nanang. (Actually for me too, my stomach felt empty!) I wasn’t expecting Mommy and Auntie Ditch to be bringing home a pan of Greenwich pizza, but then, I still ate. (again..food and food and food…until dinner…my favorite, pinakbet! I really have this feeling that I cook the best pinakbet in this entire world! Ever! It’s really yummy!)

I learned from Ate A lot that Dad cried yesterday and Mom, this morning because they remembered Ron. Then Mom told me, that she has this deep feeling that Dad cries every evening, since she saw his eyes this morning, which seem to have cried. I feel bad, since for the past days, I’ve been crying also, because I can’t erase Ron in my mind. It feels terrible, and I know it’s harder for Daddy since Ron died in his own hands.

It's ANI 04's graduation day today. Oh, how i miss my ANI days back in summer of 2001. Of course, how could I forget, I was the 1st batch veledic. I remember, it was my dad who accompanied me that day, but I never told him about my being top 1, until the emcees announced my name and called me up the stage to deliver my valedictory speech.

Luckily, I was able to find my speech. I got them from an old bag, where all my certificates are placed. They were in yellow papers, 3 pages and now, I still have to retype them. As I was typing, I actually don't like my speech at all, now. I couldn't appreciate it. But then..I think i still have to share them, since it made my dad almost fall from where he was seating in San Jose Gym, in Ateneo.

[u]Unang ANI Valedictory Speech[/u]

Una sa lahat, binabati ko po ang bawat isa ng magandang araw. Sa akin pong kapwa mag-aaral ditto sa ANI, mga kaibigan, guro mga ate at kuya, an gating mga panauhing pandangal at higit sa lahat, ang mga magulang. Tunay nga na napakaganda ng hapong ito. Una, para sa aming mga estudyante ng ANI dahil nasa harap na naming ang araw na aming pinakahihintay, ang aming pagtatapos ditto sa ANI. Pagtatapos na siyang nagging bunga ng mahigit na isang buwan naming pagtitiis, marahil sa pag-aaral ng gramatika, literatura, pisika o kimika, matematika, christian living, public speaking at ng mga values ng homeroom class.

Ikalawa, maganda para sa ating mga guro at ng mga taong nasa likod ng tagumpay ng unang Alay Ni Ignacio dahil sa wakes ay tapos na rin ang kanilang paghihirap sa pagtuturo at paghihirap sa amin na minsan ay makukulit at maiingay. At alam kop o na higit ditto ay masaya sila sapgkat ang ma pagsasakripisyong kanilang inialay sa amin ay nasa kanila nang harapan at maliwanag na nakikita. Ito’y unang namulaklak at ngayon ay isa nang matamis na bunga. At alam kop o, na ito ang ibig sabihin ng kanilang mga ngiti ngayon. Kaya naman maliban sa aming mga magulang, ay iniaalay naming sa inyo, aming mga guro at mga ate at kuya ang aming mga diploma.

Ikatlo, ang araw na ito ay maganda para sa ating mga magukang dahil ang ating pagtatapos ay isa nang mahalagang regalo natin sa kanila. Isa na itong simbolo n gating pagmamahal. Alam kong taas noo nilang sasabihin na anak nila tayo, mga masisipag at matatalinong anak na kayang magtagumpay.

Ngunit alam natin na sa kabila ng araw na ito ay mas nananaig pa rin ang kalungkutan. Kalungkutan dahil sa araw ring ito magbabadya ang marahil huli na nating pagkikita. Maghihhiwa-hiwalay tayo. Magkukukrus ng landas. Ngayon na siguro ang huli na nating pagtungtong ditto sa unibersidad ng Ateneo bilang mag-aaral ng ANI o Atenista na rin. Ito ang katotohanang, kahit masakit ay kailangang tanggapin dahil ito ang magpapalaya sa atin. Sabi nga nila, ang lahat ng bagay ay may katapusan.

Ngunit, ang kagandahan nito ay hindi matatapos ang mga alaala ng ANI nagyon. Mananatili itong nakatatak bilang isang magandang alaala sa ating buhay. Magiging isa itong karanasan na kailanma’y hindi natin malilimutan dahil sa bawat araw na ating inilagi at inilaan upang mag-aral para sa ANI ay nagging makulay. Aminin na nating masarap maging Atenista.

Hindi natin maikakaila na maraming nagawa para sa atin ang ANI. Kaya naman, wala sa ating ang pagod na ating naranasan. Hindi natin ininda ang mga pawis na tumagaktak. Ang katotohanan siguro’y nalimutan na natin an gating pangunahing daing noong ORSEM pa lamang. Sabi natin, bakasyon ngayon atsa halip na magpahinga ay araw-araw tayong maglabas pasok dito sa Ateneo—para mag-aral na naman. Hindi nga tayo nakatikim ng bakasyon mula sa sampung buwang pag-aaral sa ating mga sari-sariling paaralan, ngunit wala lahat ang mga hirap na ating dinanas sapagkat nagtagumpay ang ANI na tugunan an gating mga inaasahan mula sa programa. Tunay nga na nagsawa tayo sa kakasagot sa mga tanong n gating guro hinggil sa ating mga ekspektasyon noong mga unang araw ng ANI. At an gating mga naisagot na napatunayan naman nating naibigay lahat ng ANI. Natustusan, Inilaan. Inialay ng ating mga guro at mga ate at kuya.

Maganda sigurong balikanna sa bawat paglipas ng araw mula ORSEM hanggang sa kasalukuyan ay malaki ang ating mga nagging pagbabago. Sabi nga ng iba sa atin noong Recollection, ay ating natutunan, unaay ang pagbuo ng pagkakaibigan na hindi masusukat sa tagal ng oras o panahon na ating pinagsama. Ito’y masusukat sa klase ng pagsasamang pinagsaluhan ng magkakaibigan upang maging matibay ang pundasyon nito. Oo, patuloy tayong lahat na magiging magkakaibigan . Maliban pa ditto ay natuto rin tayong makisama. Magsarili o maging independent. Makipagkapwa. Maging maagap. Magpahayag ng saloobin. At higit sa lahat, magtiwala sa sarili, sa kapwa, at sa Diyos.

Sa ganang akin ay malugod ko pong ihahayag sa inyo na minsan kong ipinagdasal ang bagay na ito. Opo, idinalangin ko, n asana ay maging valedictorian po ako ng ANI. Naalala ko po na lima kami noon na nagdaraos ng cell group o bible study. Nagkaroon kami ng group payer at ito po ang aking naging petisyon. Ito’y ipinagdasal ng aking katabi at kaibigan noon. At ngayon, minsan ko na naming nadama ang presensiya ng Panginoon. Naalala ko ang kasabihang, “never underestimate the power of prayer.” Tunay nga na ang Diyos ay tumutugon at sumasagot sa ating mga dasal. Ito ang unang aking natutunan, na magtiwala sa kanya, kasabay ng aking paggawa. Tama rin sigurong sabihing, mangarap at magsumikap.

Masasabi ko nga na nagging mas tao ako. Tinuruan ako ng ANI hindi lamang ng mga bagay pang-akademiko at pang-intelektuwal kundi maging sa aspetong panlipunan, emosyonal, moral at ispiritwal. Sa isang banda, ay naging isa akong ganap na indibidwal.

Noong una, masakit at nakakahiya man ay inaamin kong wala akong gaanong tiwala sa aking sarili. Sa klase nga, sa aming paaralan sa Quirino High School, ay halos di ako mag-recite, hindi dahil hindi ko alam ang sagot ngunit dahil nag-aalinlangan ako sa aking sarili at sagot. Siguro nga, natatakot akong mapahiya. Dahil dito’y masasabi kong mahina ang aking personalidad—noon. Tama, binago ako ng ANI. Kumapal ang aking mukha ng kaunti. Nabawasan ang aking pagkamahiyain. Kailagan kasi, kundi, mahuhuli ako. Hindi ako mauulanan ng gantimpala. Wala akong biyaya. Mababa ang grades ko. Marahil pa nga’y wala ako ngayon ditto sa inyong harapan.

Ngunit sa pagdaan ng panahon, sana ay malaman natin dahil aking natanto na an gating mga marka sa pag-aaral ay isa lamang parte n gating mga buhay ditto sa mundo. Hindi ito ang lahat. Maglaan tayo ng oras para sa ating mga sarili. Mag-isip. Magpahinga. Magsaya. Mabuhay.

Ang mga ito at marami pang ibang bagat na ating natutunan sa ANI ngayong bakasyon, ay ang mga bagay na kailangang hindi lamang nasasaisip ngunit nasasapuso rin. Ang mga ito’y marapat lamang nating ipapasalamat sa ating mga guro at mga ate at kuya sa walang sawa nilang paglabas-masok sa ating mga silid-aralan. Gayundin sa kanilang pagiging bukas palad at pagkakaroon ng kagandahang-loob na magturo at ibahagi ang kanilang mga kaalaman. Salamat din sa ating mga magulang sa kanilabg pagsuporta at pagmamahal. Salamat sa pagpapakasakit ninyo sa amin. Salamat sa mainit ninyong pag-ibig. Salamat din sa inyong lahat.

Higit sa lahat, ay salamat sa ito San Ignacio. Salamay sa alay mo. Salamat at paalam na sa Unang Alay ni Ignacio.

WHAT A TIRING DAY!

I slept late last night and I had my alarm clock set to wake me up at 6:30. The family planned to go to the cemetery and visit Ron at 7:00. But as always, everyone had difficulties in waking up. Almost all of us barely had enough and good sleep since we all rested late. It was my plan to take a bath before going, since I had to leave home right after we get back from the cemetery. I had to be in San Jose Gym at around 930 this morning to help prepare for the ANI 2004 graduation.

As always, on our way to Himlayang Pilipino, Mom and I are together in the front seat of the car. Dad was the one driving (of course, who else!?). It’s just funny that, for the around four times that we’ve been going there, everyone of us in the family already had permanent seats in the car. This is unless of course, somebody else aside from the eight of us, my five other siblings and parents, decides to go with us during the visit, just like today. Nanang decided to come with us, so Ate Alot had to transfer and sit with the two other boys.

As usual and as I expected it, Nanang cried once more. I just pity her on always forgetting things. It’s funny yet, not! Imagine, she was crying, and then after a while, she asked us who Ronald is? Hellooooooo!!!!???? (more on my experiences with Nanang and her sad life story later on…)

well, i would just like to share the final reflection requirement for my english 12 class last semester. i actually got an A for the course.

[u]Being Baptized the Second Time Around[/u]

Even from the beginning, I have always been secretive to my family. I have learned to live a private life in the confines of my own home. I would tell my mother and my sisters about what has been happening to me, but I don’t bare all, and sometimes, I even make things up just to say something. I always talk to them, and I guess I am naturally sweet to them, but there has always been this distance that separates us because even from the start, I feel that I am different from them, or rather, I want to be different from who or what they are—especially with regards to religion.

I could not deny the fact that I have always envied those families I saw in church who went to mass together, prayed together and kissed each other when the priest declares the time to make a sign of peace. I have always prayed to God that one day, those scenes will also happen to my own family. I wished that my family and I will be kneeling together, will be closing our eyes and will be praying. Oftentimes, when I received my communion, knowing and believing that whatever I prayed for and wished for to God will come true, I asked him to unite my family even once in that same place—His church. But then, it never happened.

My family is my weakness. Their pain is my pain. Their happiness is my happiness. Even to my point of highness, I could always go low whenever something bad happens to even one of the members of my family. However, I don’t like the feeling of always being worried about what’s happening to them, when I’m not around or together with them.

When I was still young, I always hated the feeling of my heart beating fast when for example my mom would go to the market alone, or my dad while on the road driving, thinking of what might happen to them. I was always afraid of the picture of my family meeting an accident. Really, I was so concerned, yet so paranoid about these things. I still never asked somebody, even my brothers and sisters, if they were feeling the same things, so for me to know if that was just normal or I was already nearing to neurotic tendencies. I also got so afraid of the fact that I was getting so nervous about these things.

But then, even though I always longed for connection and attachment, it seemed ironic to me that it appeared I was the one going far away from them. First, I never told them on what has been happening to me in school. Probably, I just learned my lesson that if ever I tell them some of my accomplishments especially academically, my dad particularly, would always boast around and be really proud of it—and I didn’t want that. I just told them I was in the honors list if ever I had the mood to do so, or if I felt that they needed to know it, so for me to make them happy in one way or another. It was nice to surprise them that I won in a competition, yet sometimes, I was even the one who gets so excited about telling them the good news. Of course, I was also proud, but I just want things to be expressed always in a humble manner. Besides, I understand why parents could be much prouder than their children are if their “fruits” receive an award or anything of that sort.

I didn’t tell them about my social life either. They knew some of my friends but not all. They always knew in what place I was, but not always. I actually told my parents lies sometimes about where I was going and what was it that I was going to do with my peers. Then, I’ve become even much more secretive when while I was growing, aging and maturing I felt that I became more of an individual searching for so many things in life, including life’s ultimate meaning and my own identity. I became more passionate about life and living it and so I continued even though I could not get my family involved—for that time, I said then. I still hoped that I could reach to them, in much more different and dramatic ways.

One of the things my parents and my whole family didn’t know about was my constant leaving of the house every Sunday and going and attending to another church. They thought I was still going to our Catholic church. It was for about a year that they noticed I’ve been busy on Sundays and while I was not in the house for an hour before as I celebrated Catholic mass, then on they’ve been questioning me about how I was spending my Sundays for I was not in the house for at least three hours. This was because the church service lasted for two hours and right after I will still have to meet with my bible study group. It was too time consuming yet it was fulfilling, taking into consideration that those hours were actually just a small part of the 168 hours every week God has given.

That one year has really made a difference in my life. God has always blessed me in His own surprising ways, yet a different blessing came that time. In the months of my consistent attending of service at a Born-Again Christian Church, it was God Himself that was the surprise. From being lost, I felt that I was found when God revealed Himself to me. That revelation has answered several of my questions that before needed answers, that was why I searched and tried for different and new things. I have found meaning to the things I was doing. I redirected my life and I said I wanted that path where it will lead me to Him, and believing and strongly convinced that I was on the right way, I continued and now, I am still in that journey.

Three years ago, with my own free and independent choice but also with my parents consent, I finally decided to be baptized, this time as Born-Again Christian. The fact that I will have different religion with the rest of my family made me cry. It saddened me for once again, I’ll be spending Sundays alone looking at other families, yet I was also happy because they have showed their love and supported me with what I like and longed for in life. Despite being alone, attending to my new church, I learned that in time, things would happen if it’s God’s will. I discovered that since everything happens in God’s own time, I learned to accept things slowly, that for now, I said, I’ll be spending services alone, but I was not losing hope that in the future my dreams will all come true. I was still looking forward to that time when things will just happen without me knowing and noticing it.

On the day of my baptism, I was excited yet also sad. I remembered my first baptism. That same morning, I looked for our family picture albums. In my baby pictures, I saw my mom and dad carrying me around my godparents on my baptism day. I felt I was totally decided to be baptized again yet the pictures made me have second thoughts and doubts if I was doing the right thing. At that time, I could have always backed out, but I never did. That moment called for me to let go of all those things. I was facing a totally different life, and looking back was not necessary at that time so I could face what was the present. I needed to close the albums for I needed to move on and live my life anew.

Leaving the house that day was really hard. I needed to pack different set of clothes for I will be wet all over during the ceremony. My family did not even notice I was carrying a bigger bag and they also did not remember I told them that that Sunday, I will be baptized. That was what I wanted, yet I could not hide the pain that I felt. Before I left home, I cried for minutes inside the bathroom, and then I prayed and left.

At first, I was walking so fast, but when I was already far from home, I started to slow down. The next scenes will be so much of shedding of tears. I could not help it but tears were really falling down on my cheeks as I walked to the church. That day, I intentionally passed by my old Catholic church, but it just made me even more depressed. I also have several memories and special moments from there. That day marked; no more saints, no more Mary, no more priests, confession, no more of my weekly communion, no more Simbang Gabi for me and many others.

When I arrived in the church, I found out that the ceremony will occur still at the end of the morning service. So, I attended first the service. As usual, I praised and worshipped God through singing, and I really prayed hard, allowing for some space and a room that still I could turn back if I wasn’t really that decided and if my heart wasn’t really telling me to do it. However, God wasted no time. He told me right then and there that it was the right thing to do and I will never regret anything that was going to happen that day. My face brightened and lightened up.

Then came the point I had been waiting for. I had mixed feelings and I knew for sure that I had butterflies in my stomach. I was so excited, so happy yet so sad. As I was in that red toga suit, I was looking through the thick crowd yet I knew I wouldn’t find there what I was looking for—my family. I felt so alone. I just closed my eyes, imagining they were around me to witness one of the most important events in my life. That in a way relieved me.

As I was reading my testimony after the congregation, I knew I was just holding my tears. I told them how my spiritual journey had been from childhood until that very the moment. I shared to them the difficulties and the problems I encountered in life. I was also able to tell them the happy side of my life, on how blessed I was. I imparted to them how God revealed Himself and how closed I’ve become to Him through His word and through my prayer. I also thanked them for their warm welcome and for giving me a brand new second home.

From that moment until the present, there have been several changes that happened in my life. I know I am a much better person and I guess this is the most important thing. I learned to change for the better. I also have had several accomplishments and achievements in life, signifying that God truly blesses me. I have received several awards yet the most important accomplishment I so far have is that I was able to bring my three other sisters in my

Remembering the past will always make me happy. Thinking about what happened before will always give me fulfillment for those times have also taught me several of my lessons in life. Reminiscing will always be my habit for it always brings a smile to my face, as I recall those good and bad times I’ve been through. This is because all that there is in the past has actually shaped me to the person I am now. With the decisions I made, I will never regret any one of them. Now I believe, that one’s choice really makes the individual.

so, i woke up at around 930 or so, this morning. this means that i'm super super late already for the 7:00 ANI 2004 sportsfest. well, it's actually because i still wasn't decided if i'll go or not. i actually thought about it while in bed last night, but am still not convinced of the pros. this is what i like about me. i decide for myself and go for things that i want. but then, there are still times that i just feel forced to go somewhere, like some social functions in school and in my high school barkada.

anyway,last night i dreamt of ron-ron for the first time since he left us. i don't know if it has some connection with his death...and i don't want to talk about it.but as always, i'm praying that he relates with me, even just in dreams (but not the scary types). i want to hug him, and kiss him. i wish i could once again feel his big tummy and fat arms.

since monday, i really don't know why i feel tired. i haven't been exercising and starving myself lately but i still feel so weak. probably because, i think a lot. there are so many things going on my mind every other second, and majority of the pictures i formed in my head is ron. oh how i miss him.

this afternoon, i went to aunthenticate my birth certificate with my sister alot and her boyfriend. it was tiring. really tiring. i feel like throwing up after the ride. well anyway, i guess it will pay off that i decided not to attend my 130-330 tutoring with sejun. oh koreans...(the korean students in RTC, so as not to generalize) they're terrible.

moving on, i really feel lost in ANI. : ( i just think that i don't have a sense of commitment. it's always been a question, why passion can't make me move or work. i have always wanted to bring back what alay ni ignacio has gave me years back, but i can't seem to find the reason why i can't give my all. it's ningas kugon, i think. (does this make me a true pinoy!?)

i only have two more days to make up for ANI. tomorrow, i'm still not decided if i'll go to the sportsfest. one reason is that, i'm afraid i'll just stand up there and do nothing. but if i'm not the shy type of person, for sure, i can do some things. unfortunately, i always chicken-out, more specially when i think of the worst things that might happen beforehand. then on sunday, it's graduation time already! of course, i will come. haaay....it's actually nice to reminisce all the graduations that i experienced. elementary, in ANI and then high school. i'm looking forward to at last graduate from college. goodluck to me!