believer in my Maker & Savior

What I did the whole day. study and read.

I just leave everything that happened today in God's hands. Good or bad.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and family. Thank you for keeping my parents safe even though they're far from home. thank you for the experiences. Even though, there were several fightings that transpired in the family among us, I know we have learned from them and we thank you for that. I entrust to you our feelings and emotions and may you heal every wound. May we feel your presence at all times. I pray as always that you keep everyone safe in the family. Always give us wisdom, especially in our studies. I pray for Romell, who's celebrating his birthday tomorrow. May you give him longer life God. May he realize his worth and may you instill kindness in his heart. I palso pray for Odong, who is in a struggle right now. I love you Lord, and I know you will always be in control. I lift everything up to yuo now, and whatever happens, be with us. I love you Lord, and I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.

All of us woke up early since we were gonna go to the cemetery and visit Ron. Only the four of us girls, Nanang, and Dad went. Odong and Romell decided to continue their sleep.

I went to church but I didn't feel any better. I just felt like a stranger there, worshipping alone. I just missed before, the past.

I have not yet finished even a book. I feel so dumb.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Thank you for the continuous blessings and protection. I love you Lord with all my heart for you've remained faithful. May you give me wisdom as I study my lessons. Please give me strength so I could finish what I have to finish and accomplish what I have to accomplish. I love you Lord, and may you protect my family. Bless Mom who is in Isabela, and may you also be with Dad whois gonna have a trip out of town for work. May you be the one to guide them in whatever they do and whereever they go. Please bless my siblings in the things that they are doing also. I pray all of these, in Jesus' name, Amen.

I'm tired of thinking for days how to finish my finish my readings. Since Thursday, i've been forcing myself to focus on my reading assignments yet until now, I haven't started yet.

I always feel tired.
I just don't think I have the right motivation at the moment.
I'm getting pissed of of myself.
I'm beginning to hate this kind of feeling.
Is it because of my schedule?

It's experimental lab class today. We just had a group activity and then a short discussion on journal writing format, and we're done.

Kass, I just have a feeling that my two other teammates are getting pissed-off of her being so OC. She's just so so obsessesd even with the smallest details. I like that attitude of hers, but sometimes, it's already annoying. But then, I will always like Kass for that.

I was supposed to go home after I photocopied the cognitice psych reading, but Miko saw me and convinced me to go to the ANI EVSEM even if I stay just until 4pm. I have decided already not to go, since I didn't pack anything last night for the overnight thing. But I guess, God really wanted me to go. I stayed until around 7, and helped out with the evaluation.

Detdet, was so nice. She convinced me to stay being an ANI core. I am still thinking, since partly, I am not satisfied with my performance. I just think that there are other volunteers who are more deserving of being an ANI core. There are those who can devote much more of their time to ANI and the kids, than I am.

Mom texted and she's worried that the punla, that Batting just planted for the farm might get destroyed by the heavy rains there in Isabela. May God don't allow bad things to happen. I know also that Ron wouldn't want Mom to feel bad.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Thank you for the food, and every other blessing that you;ve giving us. I love you Lord, and may you forgive us all our sins. We are looking forward to a brighter tomorrow living your Word. I pray these, in Jesus' almighty name, Amen.

I don't have class today but day still asked me to cook brekfast. I just slept again until 9 after.

I went out and bought lunch for me and Odong. I also paid our Meralco bill.

I went to Mr. Tony's shop and had my laptop seen by him. He asked me to leave the modem with him first, since I think he has so many things to be done.
He asked me to call him back next week. I spent about an hour there.

I then dropped by the AliMall. I again wasn't able to control the temptation of buying myself a new slippers. I like it a lot. I bought it from Cardams.

I went to school right after expecting that Paul already left the Pinel book that I am borrowing from him in the ANI room. Unfortunately, he did not.

I still have lots of things to be done. I just finished my evaluation for my guidance department in ANI and I am currently sending it through mail to Abivic. I am still to read my books since I am still undecided if I will go to the overnight thing tomorrow or not. Besides, I am just gonna worry if I am there, thinking about my family.

I hope Mom is okay in Isabela. I miss her a lot.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Thank you for the differenr experiences for from those, we truly learn. Thank you for the lives of each and everyone in the family. Forgive us for all our sins. I love you Lord and I pray these in Jesus' name, Amen.

I'm in the school computer lab today and it's my first time to do my blog outside home. It was fun to use the computer here since it's much faster. Aside, it's an advantage since the memories that happened to me in school today are still frsh.

I like my outfit today. From the time I thought my pink denim cargo was lost, I haven't wear it since. With that is a plain white spandex shirt. I think they look good on me. (for me!, okay!) I'm wearing my all-time favorite flip-flop slippers.

I think I just failed my first Theo131 quiz. I find it funny though how Father Reyes gave his quiz. Could you ever imagine, he provided us with paper and attached with it are the questions. I think I'm beginning to like him in a sense that he's serious with his teaching and with his students. He's always early for class and he starts and ends with a prayer, though I think it's understandable since he's a theo teacher and at the same time a priest.

My expe psy class was kinda boring. I just feel stupid that I couldn't understand the lecture and could't even recall some old terms I learned from my other psychology classes during my sophomore year. I'm so glad I have bright groupmates. To think that Kass is also one of them, I think I will be pushed to study and work hard for the activities with the group.

I am beginning to now prove that Mrs. Mateo is really a hard teacher. She speaks so fast and always assume that everyone in the class know what she's talking about. She's so advanced that I haven't even read the whole of chapter one of Kalat, yet she's already in chapter 3. I just hope, I will really have the d etermination to finish all the readings for her class so that I'll ace her first long exam on thursday next week. (yeah...so that's what I'm focused at for the remaining days, until thursday)

I don't have much to say about Ms. Macapagal'scognitive psy class. I just feel so bored everytime. But I guess I have always liked a teacher who's very prim and proper. She's a certified dalagang Pilipina.

It's quarter to four. My next class, which is Philo is still at 430. I still have to read again the article that sir Jope assigned us to read. I just hope, he won't give a quiz today. I wish it would again be fun.

Mom always text. I think Mom has changed in that whenever she texts, she always says I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU in the end, actually even when she texts Dad. I really feel different. But of course I like it. I have always wished that we say I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU to each other vocally and in person, even when I was a child. I have always envied those children who kiss their parents when they'll leave home. I just wish I'll practice that to my own family sometime in the FAR or near future.

I wonder what is happening in the house now. I wonder what is Mom doing. I wonder who is at home. I wonder where is Dad. I wonder where are all my other siblings and what are they doing. I hpray that nothing bad happened to them.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. I thank you for always guyiding us. May you truly plant in each and everyone's heart peace, so that whenever we remember Ron, we wouldn't blame anyone or even speculate on things. May you give Ate Icel and Ate Alot and all of us the assurance that it was your will that was done and it was the best thing that should happen. Please give all of us peace and happiness in your decisions and plans. We love you Lord. I pray for faithfulness. Thank you for always being there financially, spiritually and emotionally. May you never leave us. In times of trouble, may you show us your light, and may we able to follow whatever it is that you want us to do. I will alaways thank you for the people you're sending to help the family like Auntie Bellie and Uncle Mike and Ate Michelle, the Mercado family, and the one giving my food allowance. Please bless and cure Mom Beck. Thank you for the lives of the people that you've let me known and encountered. Thank you for being so generous to me and my family. May still ne able to count our blessings and thank you for them everytime especially when we feel burdened. I love you Lord, and I pray for the health and safety of each and everyone in the family. May you guide each and everyone of us. Give all of us wisom in our studies. May you be the one to give happiness to Inang and Ron-ron as they are now with you. I love you Lord, and I pray these all in Jesus' name, Amen

I tried to read my book all the time these day but I failed to read and understand all of them. I just have too many things to think about.

First, I'm worried about Mom since she said that she's alone in the house in Isabela through text.

Secondly, Dad arrived home early unexpectedly. He actually saw Marianne and Odong sleeping together in Odong's bed. (they're just sleeping though). Dad asked me to talk to him and tell him that he doesn't want Marianne to be sleeping in the house again. I was just worried all the time until Dad took an afternoon nap. Dad might confront Odong and they might just fight.

I am really worried with Odong and Marianne and also the family. I still don't know at the moment how will we manage to reveal that Odong got Marianne pregnant to Mom and Dad.

I talked to Odong just this afternoon and talked about the problem. I advised him to look for an apartment so by the time we tell Mom about it, at least if Mom and Dad wants him out of the house with Marianne, he's prepared. I told him not to expect Mom and Dad to be happy about it at first since he committed a sin and it's their fault. One more thing is that he's a guy. He's supposed to stand for himself and solve his problems. Of course I told him that we're gonna support him and Marianne and of course the baby no matter what. If entails me to get a job so I could contribute financially, I will.

Also I told him that if he chose to house Marianne here, Marianne might find it difficult to relate with people here. She'll have to deal with bunch of people who don't have nice intentions when talking. She will have to work and help Mom whenever she stays home.

I don't know if I made Odong agreed, but I am really praying that he think about it. I guess he's serious with what he's entered, and as his sister who will have her first ever niece/nephew, I am very much ready and willing to help in every way I can.

I am also worried with the tons of reading I have for school.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Please bless everyone as each live his/her own life. May you be with each member of the family and touch each and everyone's heart. Always give all of us wisdom so that in everything we do, we take into consideration the consequences of our actions. May you guide us in making decisions. I will always thank you for the people you've sent to help us with our life. I pray for Mommy in Isabela. May you comfort her whenever she's alone and whenever she's thinking and worrying of us and Ron-ron. Hug her Lord, at times she feels lonely and sad. Always put a smile on her face. Lord, strenghten the faith of the family. May we learn how to face the problems and challenges that come our way. We love you Lord and I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.

I pray for and thank these people:
Mommy and Daddy and the whole family
Auntie Bellie and Uncle Mike and family
Nanang
the Mercado family
Inang and Ron-ron

Dad woke me up at 530 and asked me to cook breakfast for all of us. I slept again after I cooked then woke up at 6:15. I left home for school at 730.

All my classes went fine. I had the most fun though in my Philo class with Sir Jope.

I dropped by the Supermarket to by myself low calorie iced tea. I feel like I'm getting bigger again. I just feel I lack exercise. thank God, sometimes I still find time to do some crunches in the morning and also in the evening.

***
Dear Lord, thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Please bless eafh and everyone of us in everything that we do and wherever we go. Please bless Mom in Isabela, Dad as he drives, Ate Icel as she works, Ate Alot as she looks for a new job, Odong as he goes home late everyday because of work and Krand and Ronell for their studies. Thank you for everything and may you forgive us all our sins. We love and and we bring back all the praises and honor and glory to you. These, I pray in Jesus' name, Amen.

Ate Alot and I stayed with Mom at the bus terminal after dad brought us down and went to his office. Mom's flight was at 830 today. She'll probably arrive in Isabela at around 8 in the evening. We talked about lots of things about the family and the issues that our relatives on her side are throwing us.

I admire Mom so much. I probably have the best Mom in the world. Even though at times before, I would question why she didn't want to look for a job, now I realize how important it is for her to just stay home and take good care of all of us. She's just so amazing. Imagine that everyday, she wakes up at around 4 in the morning just to cook for the family. We should be the ones actually to be doing the laundry and all the other things she does for us but then she raised us up, doing everything for us. We didn't grow up lazy for what she did, but Mom reared us up having dreams and living them. I just adore Mom for giving us everything. She's supported all of us all the way and she just truly understands each one of us.

When we lost Ron, I just couldn't bear thinking of how hard it is for a Mom to lose a child. I know it was most hard for Mommy, but then she still got to hold on to her faith. She loves the family so much, that she continued on with her life. She's never changed. In fact, she is the kindest person one could ever meet. She'll give everything to us. Even though some of our relatives hate her, she still finds joy in life by relating and dealing with them nicely. She is so nice that at times, people abuse her goodness.

Mom. When I become one, I wanted to be like you.
You've taught me a lot of things. You've taught me to be good to other people. You've just taught me so much about life that anytime, I'm ready to go in the real battlefield. Thank you so much for the things you've shared and still the coming experiences we'll share together with the whole family. I do everything to make your dreams come true.

It's just 5 hours since Mom went for Isabela but I now miss her. Oh, how I wonder how she's doing in the bus right now. What is she thinking? I hope she's not worrying, and worse, I hope she is not crying, since I know she'll miss us. I hope the memory of Ron, whenever she remebers, will make her smile instead of cry.

The whole time, since the moment Ate Alot and I arrived home, I've been cleaning my room and fixing my clothes. I had some of my shirts an dpants ironed already so I won't do it in the morning anymore when I have class.

I feel tired now that I think I won't be able to read everythng that I have to. I'm still hoping I could manage to.

I wonder where Odong is. I hope he arrives in a moment.

***
Dear Lord, I thank yoy for this day that you've given me and my family. May you bless each one of us in the remaining hours of the day, Whereever one is, I do pray that you'll be with him/her and guide and comfort him/her. May you be their resting peace. I love you so much God. Please, strengthen my faith in you. I pray for my family, that you continue to bless it and give sustenance if ever we face on problems and trials of this life. I specifically pray for Mommy, who is now in a trip for Isabela. Mat you give her travelling mercy Lord. Be the one to comfort her, if she's sad. Bless her as she fix everything about the farm. Make her safe all the time. Give us wisom Lord father in everything that we do. Show us the light so that we would not sin against you. May you forgive us in the sins that we commit. I pary for the country and for this world Lord. I pray for peace. I love you Father and I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.

The ones in bold are the information that I am not.

01. When I was younger I made some bad decisions.
02. I don't watch much TV these days.
[b]03. I love psychodelic mushrooms. [/b]
04. I love sleeping.
05. I have loads of books.
[b]06. I once slept in a toilet.[/b]
[b]07. I love playing video games.[/b]
[b]08. I adore marijuana.
09. I've watched porn movies.
10. I watch them with my father.
11. I like sharks.[/b]
[b]12. I love spiders.
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair. [/b]
14. I like George Bush.
15. People are cool.
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
[b]17. I have jacuzzi and a Porsche. [/b]
18. I have a lot to learn.
[b]19. I carry my knife everywhere with myself. [/b]
20. I'm really really smart.
21. I've never broken someone's bones.
22. I have a secret.
23. I hate snow.
[b]24. I drink only milk.[/b]
[b]25. Punk rock rules. [/b]
26. I hate Bill Gates!
27. I love Chinese food.
28. I would hate to be famous.
29. I am not a morning person.
30. I wear glasses.
31. I don't need glasses, except sunglasses.
32. I have potential.
[b]33. I'm pure Japanese.[/b]
34. My legs are two different sizes.
[b]35. I have a twin.[/b]
[b]36. I wear a padded bra. [/b]
37. I can ramble on about absolutely nothing.
[b]38. I'm left-handed.[/b]
[b]39. I hate llamas, but I'm one of them.[/b]
40. I don't like horror movies.
41. I suck at climbing, but I love it anyway.
42. People hate me usually.
43. I love pop music.
44. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight.
45. I hate parking fines.
46. I know the National Anthem of my country by heart.
47. I know more than two languages.
48. I spend too much time on my computer.
49. I often want to throw out the computer in a window.
50. I live on a ground floor.
51. I don't like chocolate.
52. I'd like to be more original.
53. I've lied.
[b]54. Cocks are my favorite birds.[/b]
55. I want to conquer the world.
56. I wonder what happens when you die.
[b]57. I've read all Harry Potter books.[/b]
[b]58. Eat your dog![/b]
59. I love to exercise.
60. I hate chemistry with a passion.
61. I love to write.
62. I like changes.
[b]63. I hate going to class. [/b]
64. I am afraid to die.
65. I hate dish washing.
[b]66. My hair is long, brown, and incredibly curly. [/b]
[b]67. My nails are nine inches long.
68. My favourite color is black.[/b]
[b]69. I like to sleep on the floor.
70. I am hopeless at cooking.[/b]
71. I sucked my thumb when I was little.
[b]72. I should be doing something else rather than writing this. [/b]
73. I am online a lot, but not on MSN.
74. I hate government.
75. I don't have a boyfriend.
76. I'm too nice for my own good.
77. I love to read, I read as much as I can.
78. I don't trust newspapers.
[b]79. I like debating. [/b]
[b]80. I live in a lagoon. [/b]
[b]81. I clean my room once a month.[/b]
82. I'm scared of American fast food.
[b]83. I am prying open my third eye. [/b]
[b]84. I love Mozambique. [/b] what the hell is is?
85. I don't trust any religion.
[b]86. I used to play with Barbies because all the other girls were doing it. [/b] I never had barbies! ;(
87. I wanted to be a super hero when I was little.
88. I like listening to wind chimes.
[b]90. My hair is long and straight.[/b] How i wish!
[b]91. I earn a lot.[/b]
92. I don't like spicy food.
93. I keep a diary.
94. I can't do cartwheels.
[b]95. I am very lazy.[/b]
96. I'm sarcastic.
97. I think my hair is annoying.
98. I'm very sensitive.
[b]99. I love being "ab-normal". [/b]
[b]100. My left eye is violet and my right eye is a light blue.[/b]

I went with the family in the cemetery without washing my face and brushing my teeth. They were waking me up earlier but then I felt so tired again. Dad already started the car so I had no choice but to stand up and head straight to the car.

The weather was good in Himlayan. I still can't figure out how exactly I feel whenever I go there. I know I'm more sad than happy.

I wasn't able to go to church again. I just feel tired and lazy that I'll just question my sincereness there. I really feel guilty whenever I fail to attend church but then I'm also thinking of my heart. I know it is not pure enough to stand before God and men.

I plan to stay home today and clean the house and study. Read, read and read.

It's Fathers' Day today. Well Dad, I love him so much, as much as I do with Mom.

I know we're a family who didn't grow through time showing affection to one another but I am proud that at times when we really need to show it, we do. We're not a family who kiss one another, yet we're still lucky we're whole.

I admire Daddy for being so faithful to Mommy. I admire him for persevering. I admire him for being so patient that he wants to give us everything, if he could. Even when oftentimes he drinks by himself, we love him. Even though at times, we talk back at him, that is to show that we care about him. We love him, that's the bottomline.

I would not forget the times when we would go to his office and do my projects. He's so supportive of my studies.

Dad, I promise, I'll make all your dreams come true. You'll have your new car soon.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Thank you for the life of my Daddy. May he feel loved in this family every second of the day. May he realize that we all care for him, and that we would do everything to make his dreams for us come true and his own dreams to come true also. We love him so much as much as we love Mommy. I pray for the both of them.

I pray for Mommy once more for her trip to Isabela tomorrow. Give her travelling mercy Lord God.

Bless this family. I will always thank you for all the blessings especially the generous people you're sending to help us.

I love you Lord and I pray this is your son's name, Jesus, Amen.

I wasn't able to wake up early that's why I wasn't able to go with Mom to the market to buy foods for one week. Instead it was Ate Alot who went with her. I felt so tired that I didn't feel Mom was waking me up.

I needed to stand up at around 7 since my experimental psy class was at 830. the class was fun. I worked with my groupmates, Kass, Ted and John in our first activity. It was fun and challenging.

I went to Manang's and got some food there.

I had the chance to watch TV today all by myself when I arrived home. Ate Icel went out, Ate Alot and the others were sleeping.

We convinced Mom not to travel for Isabela tomorrow. I am really worried about her. That's why I am really praying hard that nothing will happen (an accident or anything of that sort) during her travel and stay in Isabela.

Auntie Bellie called and talked to to Mom. I hope when we get to grow old like them, we will be alike as siblings. I hope that when we already have our own families, our own big houses, we will still help one another and care and love for each one. I guess, it is the support that is the most important thing that one can give to his or her family member.

Jasper, a chatmate of mine who became my textmate and friend sent this through friendster. He's another victim of love.

[i]Jasper FULL wrote:
Why? Because I kept my true feelings on a
girl....and not even once I let her know how I
feel. And because I dont want to be hurt..Again.
for the past 6 years I have repressed my ability
to love knowing that it will hurt me again. And
what happened....it was more painful to know that
the person i love already have a person in her
life. I know I have o right to make
this...statement but...it really struck me coz I
let a chance pass by because of my selfishness. I
never thought that it can really result into dire
consequences. and I am suffering for it because I
AM A DUMB ASS. I really am. Repressing the
ability to love is somewhat ok in the first years
but on later situations, yer gonna forget what
love feels like. This girl made me feel love
again..but I regarded it as infatuation knowing
at the back of my head...I have fallen in love
wid her. And I have taken it or granted......../

I know its cheezy and lousy......and I also think
its pathetic but.......DAMN!!!!!!!!! I really am
a GODDAMN STUPID GOOD-FOR-NOTHING DUMB
ASS.........( DEDICATED TO THE GIRL I CALL ANGEL)[/i]

I'm missing Ron. I still question until now, why did it have to be him? Why now? Why in our family? Why, why and why?

Since then, I guess all of us have become paranoid in this house. We were all worried about each other, for example when someone isn't home yet. Now, I get to enjoy it, when every single member of the family is at home. At least I am rest assured that each one is safe and nothing bad will happen.

I hope I can focus myself on reading some assignments this evening.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Lord, I thank you for teaching me how to count my blessings. That is why I thank for
1. my family
2. my friends
3. continued financial help
4. my school
5. Auntie Bellie and Uncle Mike
6. the Mercado family
7. wisdom
8. health and strength
9. for YOU
10. for everything

I pray Lord that you continue to bless each one of us in the family. Bless the people who are helping us. I really really thank you.

Please be with Mommy as she travels to and stays in Isabela. Please let me trust you, so I woudn't worry anymore. Please give us peace, that you'll be guiding her and comfort her throughout her stay there and as she goes back to Manila. Please Lord.

Bless Odong Lord Father. Iray for the studies of Romell and Kreng. Give all of us wisdom as we take our exams and answer our teachers' questions. Bless Ate Icel Lord Father. My she appreciate her work and You Lord. Be with Ate Alot always. Help her find a job. Always talk to her and please let her know that we love her so much and that we need her not to marry yet. Please always be with Daddy whenever he drives. Bless him and comfort him whenever he remebers what happened that day with Ron. Always guide Mommy Lord God. Give her peace of mind. May you comfort her, and hug her because we love her so much that we don;t want to lose her. I still want to give the best to her in this worldly world.

Forgive me Father for I am a sinner. Forgive my family also for they have sinned against you. Give us your grace and mercy.

I love you Lord and I entrust to you everything.
I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.

We were able to get to the DFA already late. We first had our lunch at Jollibee then headed inside the DFA to get our passports. We were able to get it by 2 pm. It was kinda easy, but what took us long was the hours of waiting outside the claiming area.

I decided to go home and then go to school to talk to Maam Jolly about my food allowance. I got 1500 pesos for this month but they aren't sure yet if I'll be granted the food allowance again for the entire semester.

We had our ANI meeting again in th Pathways Resource Center. It was kinda fun.

I went to the bookstore afterwards and looked for my biopsy book. Unluckily, there wasn't any in there. I bought cards also to be sent to the states.

I felt so full. I think I've eaten a lot.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you foe this day that you've given me and my family. Lord, thank you for the lives of each and everyone. May you teach us to cherish every hour that you're giving us to be together as one family. Teach us, to control our temper, me understanding and lovng to one another. May you show us the right way on how to love one another, that each one will feel that he/she is special to the family. I thank you Lord for the blessings. Thank you for the family of Mr. Mercado. May you bless them and keep them all healthy and safe. I pray also for the safety and health of everyone in the family. May you guide Mommy as she goes to Isabela on Sunday. I pray for travelling mercy for her, Lord Father. May you not let anything bad happen to her while she is on trip on the bus and while she is in Isabela alone and away from us, her family. I plead Lord, that you comfort her at times that she'll remember Ron and the rest of the family. Send people to make her smile. Give me wisdom in my studies. I love you Lord and I entrust to you the hours that you gave us to take a rest and sleep. May we not forget to thank you and glorify you for this wonderful day through prayer. Touch each and evryone's heart. I pray especially for Odong Lord God. Touch his heart and let him know You. Take care of Marianne and their baby. Please keep everyone in the family safe for tomorrow. I love you Lord, and I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.

This is Pastor Samuel Kim's second message.

***
The Gospel Letter

"Why doesn't mankind have happiness?" (Part 2)

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"

Rom. 3:23

God absolutely says that "All" have sinned. To say that "all have sinned" means that all of mankind has separated from God and become ignorant of God. This is not simply the sin of stealing something from someone else. It is the sin of separating from God. This is called original sin. There is not one person on earth who is exempt from this. People who have done many renowned things such as Buddha, Confucius, Socrates, and even Napoleon were all born with original sin. That's why mankind falls short of the glory of God.

What is the reason that mankind, who should be happy, cannot find happiness and is lost in suffering? Some suffer from family problems, health problems, financial problems, mental problems and the like. Not having happiness, they try alcohol, gambling, dance and reckless living but ultimately they become even more unhappy. What is the reason?

Because they are separated from God.

God created the world with a spiritual principle. Trees where created to live when they are rooted in the ground, fish must live in the water, and birds were created to live soaring through the sky. Mankind, who is created in God's image, was created to live with God. Just as fish that leave the water or the tree that is uprooted die, mankind who is separated from God also dies.

The reason why mankind falls short of the glory of God is because they disobeyed (Jn. 10:10, Rom. 3:23). Disobedience means not believing in God. God is absolutely alive and ruling all of creation but mankind does not believe this fact. If a watch is broken, we take it to the watch repair shop. In the same way, mankind's problem can be solved if we go to God who created mankind.

Mankind fell into sin as a result of disobedience (Rom. 3:10). Many people who don't know God think they are living well but in fact they have been living in sin.

Mankind fell into suffering. They are afflicted with mental suffering (Mt. 11:28). They thought they lived a successful life, but their lives lose meaning and their life's balance is broken (Mt. 12:25). Disasters and problems keep occurring. Afterwards, physical problems begin to come (Acts 8:7-8, Mt. 8:16-17). The root reason is because of the spiritual problem.

To find a solution, people look to superstition, fortune-telling and religions. A nursing infant is the happiest when they are nursing from their mother's bosom. But a child that is separated form their mother will suck on their fingers, paper and anything they can get their hands on. Mankind who is separated from God is the same. To find happiness, they bow down to trees, stones; they even bow down to pig's heads. They buy and keep good luck writings, they have their fortunes told, they call shamans to perform rituals/exorcisms. But can these kind of things bring true happiness? The more you serve demons the bigger the problem becomes. At first, you pay 100,000won for performing a ritual, later you pay 200,000won, 500,000won, 1million won. You fall deeper and deeper into the quicksand of suffering.

When did this unhappiness begin?

It began with mankind's first ancestors Adam and Eve. The root reason is that they committed sin, that is original sin, by disobeying God's word (Gen. 3:1-5).

"Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned" (Rom. 5:12)

You may ask, "What does the original sin that Adam committed have anything to do with me?" Adam is the ancestor of all mankind and the representative of mankind. If we compare this to a competition, it is the same as the athlete who competes on behalf of the nation as it's representative. If Korea's team were to lose a soccer match with another nation it is the same as if Korea as a nation lost the match. In the same way, God endowed Adam, the first ancestor of mankind, with life and raised him as a representative. But because Adam, the creation, broke the covenant with God, the lord of creation, his descendants without exception became sinners. As the result, they fell into suffering and curses (Gen. 3:16-19). Even the land was cursed and faced ruin.

How long will this unhappiness continue?

It continues even now. Nonbelievers don't know the fact that the one who holds the authority of the air is controlling the lives of those who don't believe (Eph. 2:1-2) If they work hard then the suffering should disappear but it keeps getting more difficult (Mt. 11:28). The more they struggle to solve the problem, the more serious and bigger the problem becomes. It is because seven more demons enter into the house that is unoccupied, swept clean, and put in order (Mt. 12:43-45).

What is the reason this unhappiness doesn't disappear but continues on?

There is one who brings this unhappiness so that mankind would face destruction.

If you begin telling lies when you are young, without you even realizing it, lying becomes a habit. Because of this, spiritual problems keep building up as you grow older. Stealing out of curiosity can give you a thrill and be interesting. But if you keep stealing, without you even realizing it, you fall into serious spiritual problems. Ultimately, you become so trapped by this that you come to a point where you can't stand it if you don't steal.

His name appears in the Bible; it is Satan, the devil or demons. He is even called evil spirits or spirits of delusion. Satan is the one who hinders the work of God. Satan's main work is to stop mankind from knowing God, torment and destroy mankind. He uses schemes to make mankind fall. Evil spirits are Satan's underlings. They make people fall into diseases and get caught up in other religions.

Because these forces of evil exist, the problem of unhappiness is not resolved. Satan tries to keep all the people from knowing of his existence. Therefore it is wrong to blame demons for everything but it is more wrong to say that demons don't exist or to be ignorant of them.

Then when did Satan appear? Satan was originally the archangel in charge of praising God. However, having the arrogant heart of wanting to be the same as God, he was chased out of heaven. This corrupt angel is Satan (Rev. 12:1-9, Ez. 28:14-19). This corrupt angel seized the authority of the air (Eph. 2:2), made his appearance on earth, drives mankind towards destruction and in the end will be imprisoned forever in hell (Mt. 25:41).

What happens if you don't know God.

You will live your entire life as a child of the devil (Jn. 8:44). You live suffering without knowing the reason why (Acts 8:7, 10:38). You work hard but have no happiness in your heart (Mt. 12:25-28). You should become happy if you serve the demons but you don't have true peace and rest (Mt. 11:28). Your physical body suffers (Acts 8). You face mental anguish and ultimately you end up in hell (Acts 16:16-18, Lk. 16:19-31).

The reason why the people living on this earth don't have true happiness is because they don't know God. The reason why people wander and are shaken even though they go to church is because they don't correctly know God. Mental problems don't come because you don't have any money. You don't catch incurable diseases because there are no doctors. What is the reason why your heart feels empty and you have no peace even though you have fun all night long? Because you are separated from God.

People struggle to gain happiness through the world.

The peace you gain from the people in this world is only temporary. That happiness is worldly happiness, physical (carnal) happiness. People who are separated from God can have pleasure, but they don't have true happiness. Pleasure is momentary happiness. Emptiness and curses definitely come afterwards, greater unhappiness is bound to follow.

The way to meet God.

Many people are wandering because they have not found happiness. That's why they go to fortune-tellers (psychics) and perform rituals/exorcisms. But if you have many of these kinds of experiences, the result is only failure. However, there is a way to be eternally set free from all these problems. Mankind's fundamental problem is falling into suffering by disobeying God's word and sinning. Mankind's fundamental problem that began from Genesis chapter 3 must be resolved.

God opened up the way of salvation by sending Jesus Christ to this earth through his love and power. If you believe and accept Jesus Christ, you become God's child and God promised to eternally be with those who accept Jesus (Mt. 28:20).

"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God." (Jn. 1:12)

"...and no one can say, 'Jesus is Lord,' except by the Holy Spirit"1Cor. 12:3)

Anyone who opens up the door to their heart and accepts Jesus as their personal lord and savior can become God's child. Anyone who wants to accept Jesus into their hearts as their personal lord and savior can pray the acceptance prayer written below with a sincere heart.

"Lord Jesus, I am a sinner. I have lived according to my own will until now. But now I believe that Jesus is the Christ who died on the cross and resurrected for me. I open up the door to my heart and accept Jesus as my personal lord and savior. Come into my heart and lead me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen."



God's child can experience the mystery of Immanuel, God being with you, 24hours a day through prayer. Prayer is conversing with God. I want to introduce a short covenant prayer to you. If you pray believing that it will be answered, then God will definitely answer.



"You are the Christ, the Son of the living God"

Jesus is the Christ, the true prophet who is the way to meet God, the true priest who set us free from sin, the true king who broke down Satan. Jesus is the solution to all my life's problems.

At this time, God, the father, the son and the Holy Spirit work as Immanuel. In the name of Jesus Christ, who has all authority in heaven and on earth, break down all unbelief and the forces of darkness. May all the problems change into doors of answers. Fill my with the Holy Spirit and let this be the precious day where I gain the new strength that only God can give.

Every day, every moment lead me with the Holy Spirit. Guide me so that your will will be done in every event and place, in the midst of all my meetings. And open up the doors of the gospel so that I can testify Jesus Christ. I have found the solution through the life of Jesus; let me enjoy answers through the power of Jesus. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

There is one fact you must remember when you pray. When you come to the end of your prayer, close your prayer with the words, "In Jesus' name I pray". That is the key. God listens to our prayers and gave us the key to receiving answers, the name of Jesus Christ. God's children can pray in that name. Jesus is the one who solved all of life's problems and the Christ who rescued us who had no choice but to fall into and live in suffering, curses and destruction.

If you have accepted Jesus Christ, then the forces of darkness will feel bitter and angry over having lost a soul and persistently try to attack you. But don't be afraid. The more the forces of darkness attack those who have accepted Jesus, the more the benefit for the believers. God mobilizes his army of heaven and he himself looks after his children. God sent his horses and chariots of fire to Elisha's house and protected him (2kgs. 6:17).

If you look at John chapter 8 verse 44, it says that the devil's nickname swindler, a liar. The forces of darkness will try to deceive us every change they get but don't be deceived. Whether you are a public official or a student, always utilize the special authority that God has given you in the fields of your life. God has given the greatest treasure in the world as a gift to you. Remember the fact that you have received the greatest blessing. I bless you in the name of Jesus to always dwell in the midst of God's blessings.

I went to school early today to review for my theology 131 quiz. Unfortnately I didn't know that my professor postponed it.

I met all my Psyche teachers this time and I think they are all great. I am back to the world of psychology... fun and excitement awaits me.

Sir Jope was funny. I like him.

I am still trying to borrow one osyche book from Cy. Ate Colleen already lent me her Experimental Psyche book. Thanks to her, I will be able to save 500 plus pesos.

I went to buy dinner with Mom. I cooked fried ork and some veggies and prepared avocado juice for the family.

I've been fond of treating my feet these past few nights. I think I'll have a happy feet every night before I go to sleep.

Jasper texted me last night. It's sad I have to again tell what happened since he asked how my summer was.

I wasn't in the mood to study today. Even in school i felt so out of my mind.

Ate Icel, Ate Alot and I are gonna go to DFA tomorrow to get our passports. I hope we do get them, though we're supposed to get it yesterday.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for giving me and my family this day. Bless in whereever we go as we face another day tomorrow. I love you Lord and I entrust to you all our lives. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

I am now beginning to love studying again. I now have the passion to read books again and comprehend them with the best of my abilities. Finally I am starting to focus myself into my dreams and passion.

I find my schedule quite tiring in the afternoon, but I like it more than before since I have a whole day before the next day of class to study. At least I have time to rest and somehow help in household chores, especially since Mom will be going to Isabela.

I am getting addicted in downloading songs in Kazaa. I so love to have christian songs in my computer.

Something is wrong with the modem of my laptop. I am not in the mood to call Mr. Tony and ask what is wrong.

It's been days since Odong and I haven't been talking about his problem. Probably we're just both scared to start the conversation. I still am scared if i can start talking about it to my 3 other sisters, so we can decide on what is the best way that we can do about it.

Right now, I'm enjoying the music of Gary Valenciano. the song is, "The Warrior is a Child."

***
Dear Father, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my whole family. I thank you because I know you're right by the side of each and one uf us, protecting and taking care of us. I love you Lord because you've been faithful. I pray dear Lord, that you always give us wisdom, so that we'll think first before we do something and say anything so we could not hurt other people and sin against you. I love you Lord. Guide me with my studies. I pray for the soul of Ron-ron and Inang. All of these, I pray in the most poweful name of Jesus, Amen.

I got so excited in attending my classes todays that's why I woke up earlier as I expected.

All of my teachers seem to be cool and fun to be with as mentors. I just hope, I'll still be able to be a dean's lister this semester, even though I am gonna go through a lot more different schedule as before, in my entire college life.

Kass gave me a nice blue adidas shirt from US. Thanks Kass.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for giving me and my family this wonderful day. I love you for for being so generous and faithful. Thank you for the wisdom and strenght. May you bless everyone in the family, my classmates and teachers in school, my friends, and my relatives. Bless in in whatever we do, may we glorify you through our actions and words. I love you Lord, and I bring back all the praises and glory to You, in Jesus' almighty name, I pray, Amen.

This is my first time that I never felt so excited for the first day of school. Even in my elementary and high school days, I felt excited when the month of June comes.

There are just so many things going on in my mind. There are just too many problems to think about and face. There is the confusion.
All my emotions are mixed up that I don't know what is to think about first.
I don't know how to trust God anymore at this time.
I don't know how I can clear my mind and just leave everything to Him.
I am just so involved.

When I wake up this morning, I was still not decided if I will have my schedule fixed. There's still a slot for a Psy107 class and I can change my schedule for that subject still, yet I feel that I can actually manage my original schedule. I always think that I got my schedule for a reason. I honestly think that I have a very good schedule. I'll try on my schedule first and probably just adapt to it and adjust myself to it. I know I will be able to do it, if I want to and is determined. I am very am.

Also, I have to think of Odong. It's the family that I am worried about. What will be Mom and Dad's reaction? Where will they live? Is the baby in good condition? ...and many more other questions that is making me think like crazy.

I not excited for school tomorrow and I am worried of this feeling. I want to be enthusiastic about my srudies and be passionate about it. I know I will be focused in the next few days as I finally meet my teachers and classmates and be back in Ateneo for the school year.

This is my last day of summer. I am not hoping that later this day, I will feel alright. Really, I won't enjoy this day. I will just think of what's been happening. What happened to Ron and everything...my family?

I can't take away the thought of my family being so sinful that God is giving all of these trials. I have enjoyed all my life a family that has never experienced these kinds of problems, but I guess we are growing up and getting old and no matter how we avoid it, we would still experience these kinds of problems, or the truth about life.

No matter what, everyone of us will die, all people will die. Boys will decide to have sex and girls will be pregnant.

Probably, I have to realize that really we're getting old and I am already in this world. I am now in this big world that has so many problems. I am beggining to lose my being teenager. Really my psychology works. At least, if I am using my defense mechanisms, I am not going to be crazy.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day. I want to glorify your name because I know You are the Lord of all things you've created. I bow down to you with all my wisdom and strength. I lift everything to you and whatever happens, I know it's your will. I just pray that in the long run, it is the best that we will get. I thank you because despite all these trials, you've taught me to come to you and share my burdens and make them light for me. I love you Lord for being so faithful and always been a comforter. Always bless my family. Make them safe and guide each and everyone of us in whatever we do and whereever we go. Please give all of us wisdom, as we go to school and study. Give us wisdom in making our decision. I love you Lord and please Lord give me the strength to let my family know more about You and Jesus. Let them be saved as I am. Thank you Lord. I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.

I woke today at 6 with eight unread text messages in my cellular phone. I got so surprised since I was totally clueless who texted. I wasn't expecting a text from everyone, so I just went on and opened my inbox right away. The name that registered was RONRON. I know that the phone is with Odong now, but I still got so scared. I know that it is so, so impossible that my dead brother, 40 days now was the one who texted.

Here were the eight text messages that I received from my oldest brother Odong. As I progress in reading from one text message to another, I was starting to cry, but I needed not to show it since Mom was getting angry by then, for he can't wake Dad up to go to the market. She's waking me up, so I could go with her and Auntie Ditch.

I would type the words in whole though he texted in a short-cut way.

[i]June 13, 2004
1:56:52 a.m.
Jorie, tulungan mo naman akong magsabi kay Mommy na magkakaanak na ako. Thank you ha. Sana maunawaan niyo ko. Tulungan niyo sana ako. Siguro, hindi muna ako lalabas ng kuwarto kasi nahihiya ako sa inyo. [/i]

I thought here that it was Ate Alot who texted. I really hope she's not pregnant.

[i]1:58:29
Mahal na mahal ko kayong lahat. Sorry ha, sabihin mo na lang kay Mommy. Dito lang muna ako sa kuwarto.

2:02:51
Jorie, kaya hindi ako makatulog kasi hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihi sa inyo.

2:06:55
Jorie, sana matanggap nila Mommy itong nangyari sa akin. Gusto ko na sanang sabihin sa kanila kaya lang baka palayasin nila ako dito sa bahay. Pero okay lang sa akin yun. Hinihingi ko lang yung suporta niyo.

2:12:27
Sana matulungan niyo ako nila Ate Icel, Ate Alot, kreng at saka ni Romell. Jorie, alam mo ba na lagi akong nakahiga dito sa kuwarto. Hindi ako makatulog kakaisip kung papaano ko sasabihin kay Mommy. Mahal ko kayo.

2:14:09
Ikaw lang siguro makakaintindi sa akin kaya ikaw yung tinext ko. Sana naman matanggap nina Mommy at Daddy.

2:15:47
Salamat Jorieha! Dapat hindi ko pa sasabihin sa inyo kaso lang malalaman nio din.

2:17:31
Jorie, gisingin mo na lang ako kapag ikakabit na yung tent. Thank you. [/i]

Odong actually joked during Ron's wake that he got his girlfriend, Marianne pregnant. He said that Ron-ron will be replaced by his new baby. I actually believed him, and got a little worried, but I didn’t mind it until he texted, and finally believed that it was true.

I was crying on our way to the public market. There were just so many things that were juggling on my mind. I was thinking of Mommy and her constant complain of body ache. I was thinking of what is gonna happen later as we invited people for lunch since it’s been 40 days since Ron went away. I was thinking of Odong, of Marianne and the baby. I was thinking of the whole family. I was thinking of school and my scholarship. I was thinking of the future. I felt so burdened, and so helpless. I felt so weak against these battles of life. I felt I wanted to give up, but I simply could not because I still have my family and I so love them.

I couldn’t do anything but to cry. I know I just have to really strive and give my future niece/nephew a future—a good future that he/she deserves to have in this world.

I still don’t know how to say it to Mommy since he’s been telling Odong about getting losing his freedom when he gets Marianne pregnant. I just wonder how he felt during those time Mom is scolding Odong when the truth is she already made the girl pregnant. Much more, I don’t know if we would ever tell Dad about it.

I don’t know how I feel about the baby. I’m kinda afraid of what other people will say especially my relatives. But I guess, we shouldn’t mind them since we have our own lives to live. I guess the baby is a blessing and we should cherish for that. I really hope that the baby comes out healthy.

I am just worried if ever Odong wants Marianne home. What came to my mind is that, we’ll wait until the child is conceived before we let Mom and Dad knows about it. I think this will be too impossible since Marianne is just around. People will still see her no matter how hard we try to hide the truth. Unlike Ate Ambec who is far, we were able to know that she already has a baby boy, 3 months after the baby was born.

Anyway, I for a while, was able to forget about Odong and her baby since there were so many things to prepare for lunch. It went well and I am just so happy by the fact that many people love Ron, so so much.

Tomorrow’s the first day of school already in Ateneo. My class will still be on Tuesday but I don’t know if I am gonna go to school tomorrow and revised my schedule. I am still thinking and praying about it. It’s actually because Maam Jolly of the office of Admission and Aid advised me to for one or two of my subjects might suffer. But then, I still think that I got my schedule for a reason. Probably, God wants me to be with Mom home on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and also work on my visa to America.

This is actually the last day of summer. But actually, I never experienced and enjoyed my summer at all. I feel so tired, that I’m worried if I can do it this semester. I just know that Ron, Inang and of course guide me. My family and the people who are helping us will continue to inspire me and aspire for the best and achieve for it.

I am so sad I wasn’t able to go to church again this Sunday.
***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day. Thank you for giving us strength always. Thank you because I know that Ron ron is with you now and he’s happier there. Thank you for everything—for my family, Dad and Mom, Ate Icel, Ate Alot, Kreng and Romell. I also thank you for the baby that will be coming. Lord, please guide us and help us with the decision that each of us will make. Lord, I pray for my relatives who are saying bad things about us. I pray that you unveil to them your mighty blood be and blessed by your mercy and grace. May you teach them how to deal with people the right way always, and all of us, so that we won’t sin against You. Lord, forgive us for we know that we have sinned. We have hurt you. Please always lead us to the right way and the right path. I love you Lord. I also pray for peace on earth. Give me wisdom always. Please help me and my other siblings with our studies. We love you lord and we pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.

I was forced to wake up too early today at 6. We went to the market and bought meat and many more for tomorrow's event. I went with Autie Ditch, Mommy and Daddy.

We then headed to Himlayang Pilipino to visit Ron-ron. the weather was good. I went with the whole family and Nanang.

Nanang got so emotional again. She cried for Inang and Ron once more. I just coudn't imagine how hard it is for her, whenever she remembers memories from the past with Ron and Inang.

We were all quiet there while we lit up the candle, put the flowers and clean Ron's place there. It seemed as if, we all wanted to cry yet we were all hesitated to, for we have to show to one another that we're strong.

All out, I wanted to cry there. I just wanted to burst into tears because I remember Ron when he is still alive. I just ponder, what if he's alive now. We might be happier of course. I needed to hold back those tears for I know I have to be strong for all of them. I shouldn't be the one showing my emotions there. I don't want to invite them into crying also.

I pinapaitang kambing for lunch for the whole family. Before Dad and Mom left to go to P. Tuazon and had the washing machine fixed in the service center, Dad instructed me evrything to do. I was so happy, they're happy about the food I served them for lunch. I guess, we're all full before we all slept this afternoon.

***
Lord, I thank you for this day. I just praise you for you are faithful. I pray that you bless tomorrow's event. May you be the one to reign in each of everyone's heart as we completely let go of Ron and offer him to you. Take care of Ron-ron and I know he's happier there with you.
I pray this in Jesus' name, amen.

I went to school today because I had a meeting with Mr. Harvey Keh and the ANI core group regarding the integration of ANI to Pathways. It went just fine, but still we didn’t finalize something. There will still be a lot of meetings like these to come in the future.

Ate Alex, Abivic, Paula, Daryl, Hub and I stayed and held our meeting in Cervini Caf. There were actually several memories to cherish in that place that I wasn’t able to avoid remembering.

I headed to the Registrar’s Office afterwards to pass my high school transcript and Joy’s.

When I arrived home, I ate lunch and faced the computer and downloaded stuff in Kazaa. I had fun.

Around 3 pm, Mom, Ate Alot, Romell and I went to Cubao. Romell bought his school shoes, Mom bought some stuff for the house, and I bought some beauty products. Ate A lot didn’t buy any. We didn’t eat afterwards. We just bought a special dinner to cook for the whole family, that way we can save.

I have to wake up super duper early tomorrow to accompany Mom to the market and buy ingredients for Ron’s 40th day-death anniversary on Sunday. So I have to sleep now.

***
Lord, I thank you for this day. Always be my master, our master. Thank you for the guidance and protection, for the love and comfort. Thank you for being so faithful. Please always remind us to count our blessings. May in YOU, we find peace and LIFE. I love you Lord, and I pray this in Jesus’ name, Amen.

I miss my ANI family. Hopefully, I'll be able to see them tomorrow.

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I really don’t know what is wrong with Ate Alot. I really have hard feelings for her since she seems to be showing that she loves her boyfriend (damn Christian!) more than our family that she would hurt my Mom and Dad just to fight for the guy. I hate her because she doesn’t seem to be thinking, all that’s working on her is her heart. I’m afraid this time of what their “love” for each other is going to do with them and my family.

It actually all started when my Dad got pissed off because Ate Alot doesn’t want to eat. So my Dad thought that she couldn’t eat with out Christian, and the long sermon of Dad went, with Ate Alot hearing all of those. So, Ate Alot here got so hurt and so emotional, that she felt so “api” (the hell with her). It’s been days since I am noticing the changes in Ate A lot’s behavior. It’s as if the world is against her and Christian. What is wrong with her is that, she is so paranoid. When she thinks of something, she always supposes it as true and would not listen to anyone’s explanation anymore. She is such a close-minded person.

I think I understand Dad, with the way he acted. As a Dad, I probably would say the same things. I would get angry because, even though he’s kind, I really could not take it that he goes to the house everyday and eat. It’s actually not the act of eating, is the problem nor the food or the money, but it’s actually more on the future side of things. If I am the Dad, I am probably will be worried also of my daughter who has a boyfriend who doesn’t have work and who doesn’t even finish college.

I can see Christian’s effort of looking for a job, but I really just wish that they think first before they do something. I wish that they will have dreams for their future children. I wish they would not want their children to experience what they did experience. I hope that Ate Alot gets to think of Mommy.

With what is happening, I am actually afraid now of loving. Probably, I could not understand Ate Alot because I never had a boyfriend yet, and never truly loved yet, since there’s no person yet to love. I’m afraid that someday, a guy would ruin my passion for my family. Actually now, I feel that I am beginning to be a man-hater. I am really scared.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day. Thank you for my family. May you restore and be the one to take control of this family. Whatever happens now Lord, I know it’s already your will. I wish Lord that your will be done and may this will heal all of us and give us more life and sustenance. Lord I pray for my mother and father, my sisters and brothers, may you always guide them, and give them long life, so I could still have the chance to achieve my dreams for them. Lord, in everything I do, please don’t let me forget that it’s you who’s working. It’s only you Lord. I pray this in Jesus name, Amen.

Mom woke Ate Icel, Ate Alot and I up at around 530. We were all set by 7 and so we headed to the Department of Foreign Affairs to apply for passport. We don't have any idea on where DFa excatly is so we relied on the jeepney drivers.

It was actually sad since we got "denggoy" by several men in this ID/photo station. They made us believe that their studio was the first stop and we would do there the first step of the process in getting a passport. Unfortunately, they got fro us around 318 pesos for the the 16 pieces of passport size pictures (of me and Ate Icel, since they said that DFA won't accept our pictures for it wasn't a blow-up shot. They didn't take another picture of Ate Alot anymore), and also for the xerox. I got really angry since I really felt stupid and so ignorant. I once again proven that this world isn't safe. No matter how hard and how much you want to trust just everyone, you simply cannot, and one should really not.

Enough of the bad experience, but then actually I realized that it happened also for a reason. I learned somthing from the experience, and I guess, good or bad is it, that will be the most important thing.

We didn't expect that we would finish there early since Mom was so exaggerated about the lines that we would have to go through. She even said that we should be there at around 3 in the morning! We got lucky, we felt lazy.

Afterwards, we went to SM North. We had our lunch in Chowking and Ate Icel actually treated us. (Chow Fan wasn't that good. I wasn't satisfied with what I ate, in terms of the food and the money we spent.)

I wasn't able to straighten my hair. I will first have to get rid of ironing my hair. Probably next month, I'll be able to then. So today, I just had my hair treated with hot oil.

***
Thank you Lord for this day. May you always protect my family. Please Lord, give me wisdom always. Thanks you for everything and I give back all to you, in Jesus name, Amen.

Mom woke Ate Icel, Ate Alot and I at around 530. We were all set by 7 and so we headed to the Department of Foreign Affairs to apply for passport. We don't have any idea on where DFa excatly is so we relied on the jeepney drivers.

It was actually sad since we got "denggoy" by several men in this ID/photo station. They made us believe that their studio was the first stop and we would do there the first step of the process in getting a passport. Unfortunately, they got fro us around 318 pesos for the the 16 pieces of passport size pictures (of me and Ate Icel, since they said that DFA won't accept our pictures for it wasn't a blow-up shot. They didn't take another picture of Ate Alot anymore), and also for the xerox. I got really angry since I really felt stupid and so ignorant. I once again proven that this world isn't safe. No matter how hard and how much you want to trust just everyone, you simply cannot, and one should really not.

Enough of the bad experience, but then actually I realized that it happened also for a reason. I learned somthing from the experience, and I guess, good or bad is it, that will be the most important thing.

We didn't expect that we would finish there early since Mom was so exaggerated about the lines that we would have to go through. She even said that we should be there at around 3 in the morning! We got lucky, we felt lazy.

Afterwards, we went to SM North. We had our lunch in Chowking and Ate Icel actually treated us. (Chow Fan wasn't that good. I wasn't satisfied with what I ate, in terms of the food and the money we spent.)

I wasn't able to straighten my hair. I will first have to get rid of ironing my hair. Probably next month, I'll be able to then. So today, I just had my hair treated with hot oil.

***
Thank you Lord for this day. May you always protect my family. Please Lord, give me wisdom always. Thanks you for everything and I give back all to you, in Jesus name, Amen.

I was supposed to wake up at around 5 o’clock in the morning but I didn’t manage to since I felt so sleepy and so tired. Besides, Ate Alot just finished taking a bath at around 7 already. I took a bath for five minutes since Ate Icel was next in line. We went to City Hall to get an NBI clearance for use tomorrow as we apply for a passport.

It was like hell there in City Hall. There were so many people as early as around 8 in the morning lining up to get an NBI clearance also. I just realized how poor the Philippines is. With the different kinds of people that I saw, I know all of them are dreaming of good lives for their families. All of them would choose to line-up there and get all the requirements so to have a job, low or high paying.

We were able to finish early since they saw Ate Icel on her uniform. Again, I saw how unfair this world is, and how the ones that don’t have the access to offices and “big people,” would line up and wait because they don’t have “back-ups.” I’m sort of feeling so conscientious about it.

We were supposed to get our clearances at 1030, but since it was still 930, we asked Ate Icel to get ours, so we could leave the City Hall then. Actually, Ate Alot and I argued. She first joked on me that she was pregnant, but of course I didn’t believe her. However, I still felt nervous about what she said, I was imagining things and asking myself, what if that was true, what is gonna happen.? She insists on asking me, what would I do if she is really is pregnant and with no second thoughts, I answered that I’ll pull her down the stairs to get rid of the baby. (I’m so bad, I know!!! Forgive me Lord!) The first thing that came to my mind that time was the life that they would face (Ate Alot and Kuya Christian) if they establish their own family, with Ate A lot having no job and Kuya Christian too. I just think they don’t have the right to even have sex (for Go’d sake, Ate Alot should think of the family first, especially Mommy.) We also argued about having sex, as I asked her if she already had sex with his boyfriend that’s why she’s worrying. She joked (I don’t know if she’s joking or no), that they had but after a while she said she’s just fooling around. In the end, we sort of form hard feelings for each other, so I decided not to go with them in Greenhills.

So, I went to RTC instead to get my last salary. Mrs. Kim is very kind that she gave me 20 hours for the conference. I got 3 thousand plus, as my last salary. I bought a mouse for the computer and went to Rustan’s to buy Mom BluSkies crackers, as I promised her. I also dropped by the National Bookstore to buy my other school supplies.

I deposited 1500 in my BPI account, for I might spend all of my salary if I didn’t. At home, I cleaned the room and changed the locations of the beds again. I felt happy about what I did.

***
Lord, I thank you for this day. Please bless my whole family, always and forever. Please take good care of my Mommy, please don’t let her feel tired. Be with my Daddy Lord Father for he is out of town. Please do guide him as he drives from provinces to provinces. I pray Lord that you’ll be with him always. As he sleeps Lord God, comfort him and give him peace. Show him that Ron-ron is happy with you now. For my brothers ans sisters, and Nanang, be with them also as they go out of the house. Guide them in whatever they are gonna do. I thank you Lord for their lives. Please Lord God, give me time to give them a very good life. Help me and give me the courage to bring them to you and share the good news. I love you Lord. I pray this in the most almighty name of your son Jesus, who dies for us on the cross and cleansed all of our sins.

Here is Pastor Samuel Kim's email for all of those who attended the RTC conference. I'm really so blessed by him.

Subject: Greetings in CHrist Jesus all of my brothers and sisters in the Philippines.
Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 23:58:47 -0700

Greetings to you in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

I was so blessed to read all of your letters and thankful to God with the work that he did through the power of the gospel. I praise and pray that it would only continue in your lives. That continously enjoy the blessings that we all have in Christ that you would continue to uncover them and enjoy your identity as children of God... May you richly enjoy God's love for you and as you fully dive into that and enjoy it naturally you will love God and naturally you will be healed by that power... naturally you will share that power with others as you have those evidences in your own lives.

I wish that I could have stayed longer and I will be praying for you always and if God opens the doors again I would love to come back... but until then we can correspond via email and I will send you some materials.. if you would like... to read.. attached with this email is the first part of the gospel letter... in a book form.. I hope that you will be blessed by that...

I will also send, my prayer topics please send me yours.. i would love to hear how you are doing and what you are struggling with so I can pray for you more specifically...

I also recorded all the messages.. if you woud like a copy of all 10 lectures... I will be sending one copy to the samonim.. and somehow if she can make copies... of it... so you can enjoy the messages that God gave us through the conference...

ALso if you can email me a picture of who you are so I can put a face with the emails... and prayers...

Keep in touch
IN Christ,
Pastor Sam

The Gospel Letter

"Why doesn't mankind have happiness?" (Part 1)



"Why doesn't mankind have happiness?"

"Why am I not happy?"

This is the theme you and I will be sharing in this first meeting. If you ask this question to people who don't believe in Jesus, there are those who confidently answer, "I'm happy". But if you look carefully, you can see that this is not so. The majority of the people are hiding the fact that they are not happy. The more serious problem is the fact that among the people who go to church there are those who complain that they are not happy. Concerning this problem, the ones we call "old time believers" are not an exception.

What is true happiness?

We can find the clear answer to this question in the Bible.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (Jn. 14:27)



"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

(Mt. 11:28)

The bible tells us that true happiness is the true peace and rest that mankind can enjoy when they dwell in God. The person who has true peace, that is the person who has the peace that comes from the gospel, is so peaceful that everyone can tell just by looking at them. The person who is at peace because of the gospel, doesn't cause problems. Moreover, when problems come, they are not shaken but rather they enjoy the mystery of Immanuel in the midst of the problem. The person who is at peace because of the gospel, has victory in human relations as well. He always lifts up and encourages others. The person who is at peace because of the gospel does his work with wisdom given by the Holy Spirit. Therefore, they definitely have something that is different from others. The decisive evidence /factor is the fact that they are enjoy so much peace that nonbelievers look at them and know that God is with them. Then doors of evangelism naturally open for these people.

That's why I pray to relay the mystery of this peace to many people. So I always testify the Christ I have met to the nonbelievers who still have not heard this gospel or the new believers who are just beginning their Christian lives.

"Christ saved a great sinner like me. I had no choice but to wander in failure and face complete destruction but God rescued me. After meeting God through Christ, I began to have true happiness. Each time a hardship came, I thought about God's grace that saved me from sin and I said to myself, " I am God's child. " In the past, I did not forgive others, but now I can say from my heart, " That person is also someone that Jesus bought with his blood" and I can love them too.

I believe that giving your testimony is the most specific and quickest method to express God's grace. Surprisingly, giving your testimony is a good channel for relaying what's on your heart. Whenever I give my testimony, I always testify about my shortcomings and my mistakes. In doing this, I saw many people finding a common ground with me. After giving my testimony, I always ask, " Do you have true happiness?"

"What are you happy about?"

I could see the doors of he gospel opening with this question. I saw many people open their hearts through sincere testimony. That's why I can honestly testify that though I'm lacking and weak, I'm able to enjoy peace even now because of God's grace and the gospel of Christ. I try not to use a lot of words, eloquent speech or lengthy explanations. What's more important is to honestly and truthfully relay God's grace that in my heart.

My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirits' power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power (1Cor. 2:4-5)

As we live, there are times when we face many difficulties such as family crises, financial problems, problems with our children, crisis in our faith, etc... Everyone has their ups and downs. There are also people who are hit rock bottom and have great scars in their hearts because of the problems of their past. And there are people who are living their lives with the burden of sin. However, God saved us through Christ and called us as his children. And that's not all. To fulfill the covenant of world evangelization, he called us as evangelists. We are witnesses of this. **

The historic evangelist Paul cried out and prayed in Rom. 7:24 " What a wretched man I am! Who can rescue me from this body of death?". If you look at Paul's tearful confession, he looks like someone who has lost all hope.

"For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing" (Rom. 7:19)

"For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members." (Rom. 7:22-23)

However, Paul praised the God who saved someone like him. He was so moved by the fact that he had become a child of God because of Jesus Christ and he confessed in tears that he had no choice but to give thanks for God's grace . The mystery of enjoying this peace his entire life is clearly evident in the letters he sent to his followers who he considered more precious than his own life.

"Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." (Rom. 7:25)

"I die everyday- I mean that, brothers-just as surely as I glory over you in Christ Jesus our Lord." (1Cor. 15:31)

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-of whom I am the worst. "(1Tim. 1:15)

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death." (Phil. 1:20)

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Phil. 4:13)

After accepting Jesus Christ, Fanny Jane Crosby, who was blind, experienced God's great grace and changed her lifelong prayer topic. "God, Dont open my eyes. In this blind state I want to look only to you." Throughout her life, she wrote over 8000 hymns of praise and led many souls to God.

Honestly speaking, there were times in my life that were not peaceful even after believing in Jesus. But by God's grace, I always had peace.



A few things to watch out for before we begin.

It doesn't matter whether you are a new believer, the bible study leader or even a pastor. It's alright if you read this book even if you haven't accepted Jesus yet. God will absolutely lead you into the blessing of peace because this book is a blessed gift given to you.

The people who are reading this book want to enjoy the abundant blessings hidden within Christ and live a correct Christian life. They want to realistically enjoy prayer and have victory in every aspect of their lives within the covenant of evangelism, missions and world evangelization.

Then you must absolutely remember the following things. they are some brief question and answers concerning some things that Christians are not realistically enjoying or have misconceptions about. Before beginning the first meeting, examine yourself and keep in mind these points when you relay the word to others.

With what motive am I beginning?

You must understand that realistically, this sways everything. If you think, "If I add this program, then my church will grow" then ultimately you have no choice but to crumble. If you think, "I'm going to have success by my own strength." then, you will face situations where your limitations are evident. In every circumstance, never forget to go back to your true motive. Begin with the motive of standing before God, giving glory to God, uncovering God's plan, and with a heart for proclaiming the gospel. This is very important because it is the way for us who are incomplete to become strengthened by God's power.

What is salvation?

Salvation doesn't simply mean that we believe in Jesus and everything will go well for us. And we should not attach our difficult problem suddenly being solved one day as proof of salvation either. But the majority of the people consider this the standard of salvation. This is also the mistake that many ministers easily make after salvation as well. We should not put the point of salvation on our problems being solved instantly or on having our diseases healed. Salvation is much more valuable than that.

As it says in Phil. 1:6, salvation is God bringing us "to completion until the day of Christ Jesus". God will never abandon his people who he rescued from death; he himself will bring them to completion. This is salvation.

Therefore, to "just cry out to Jesus and everything will work" is an incorrect statement. Of course, it is natural and rightful that things should work in Christ's name. But if it doesn't, does that mean Christ's power is lacking? No. If things unconditionally worked in his name then that means that the members of the early church who faced persecution or David, Joseph and Daniel who were placed in extreme circumstances did not have correct faith. " As a saved child of God, everything should go well and your christian life should be going well." If you put the point on "going well" then that means that the members of the early church who did not receive answers to their prayers and shed their blood as martyrs were failures.

Salvation is the Lord saving us from darkness and leading us to completion to his eternal kingdom. So there will be times of difficulties and times when things go well. It was the same for Paul. If you truly are a saved child of God, then the days that unfold before you will be beautiful and precious, regardless of whether problems or crises are blocking your path or not.

What kind of lifestyle must the saved believer live?

The correct lifestyle of the Christian is to shine the light to the souls of the people in this world because they are living under the authority of the forces of darkness. This is not simply doing good deeds. The life that shines the light of Christ, the light of life to the people living in darkness is the life that God is most pleased with. This is the mystery of salvation.

Even people who are worried because prayer is not going well have no need to become discouraged. There are two reasons why God does not answer. Either the time schedule for answers has not come yet. Or he desires to answer with something better. Let's say that you just prayed for 10 billion dollars. God will not give it if he knows you can't handle it. Or he may simply delay the answer to give you something greater. Don't reduce prayer into simply begging for blessings.

Salvation is Immanuel

How much you enjoy this blessing through prayer sways everything. It is the same for proclaiming the gospel. How much you enjoy the blessing of Immanuel through prayer is everything concerning your christian life.

Don't make a distinction (don't separate) between work and prayer. Especially students should not separate their studies from their prayers in their thinking. This order must not be switched either. This means that we should not be praying for the sake of doing well in our studies. We should pray in our everyday lives and with the strength we gain from prayer, we should study.

We need to be able to concentrate on prayer to be able to concentrate on everything else as well. If you can concentrate on prayer, then you can concentrate on your studies. If you can concentrate on prayer, then you can concentrate on your business too. When you concentrate on prayer, you have the strength to transcend nonbelievers. This is the very first thing that must take place. Daily enjoying this mystery in your life is Christian living. It is the blessing you can enjoy regardless of other people.

The Things That Christians Worry About the Most

Not only new believers but even believers who go to church have worries and areas of their lives where they are shaking without assurance. Even though the individual may not even be aware of this, it is something that must be solved because your spiritual state is craving the answer.

Have I really received salvation?

The majority of laypeople are shaking because they wonder, "Am I really a saved child of God"? This means that they are seriously worried about their assurance of salvation. The next area that the majority of Christians are ignorant of is the content of salvation. Because they don't know this mystery, they don't have this assurance.

The more a child of God lives their Christian life the more assurance they should gain; "God is with me!". Regardless of whether it is something big or small, you must enjoy the blessing of Immanuel.

There are times where I am very tired because of keeping up with a tight conference schedule. During those times, I pray as I exercise in the morning. "God, give me health today. Give me new strength so that I will not grow weary. " But amazingly, God gives strength to start the day with a light heart. "Wow! God is with me and he answers my prayers." Even though it is just a little answer, I daily experience such joy that it makes me feel like flying. Realistically, churchgoers are shaking because they do not have assurance of salvation and they are not realistically enjoying God's blessings. This is the greatest worry.

Therefore, I gave the answer to this in the field through the Gospel Letter and I helped the believers realistically experience this through Wednesday and Friday night services. Amazingly, many believers began to receive grace and such great spiritual change took place that we had to increase our early morning services to two sessions. Believers fill the sanctuary and began to cry out to the Lord in prayer. The early morning services began to look like revival meetings. The believers had begun to receive strength from prayer. This is the mystery to being ultimately victorious.

We must enter into God's blessings. If we do not enjoy the assurance of salvation, God's blessings, and the mystery of prayer, ultimately we will wander. What is even more serious is the fact that even after having received salvation, you don't even know you've are saved. Works take place even if you simply help them to confirm this. If you begin to pray just a little bit in this state then you will experience God's blessings. You must confirm this in the field.

Why isn't prayer working for me?

But prayer is not that difficult. If you are enjoying the mystery of Immanuel through God's word, prayer takes place on its own. You must have the answer concerning this. Not having correct prayer take place in their lives, if a person does not have their spiritual problem resolved, then they will most definitely fall into unhealthy mysticism. Mysticism itself is not a bad thing. God himself is mystical and Christianity is mystical. The most important reason people fall into unhealthy mysticism is because they struggle to resolve their spiritual problem. In other words they are trying so hard to be good believers that they fall into unhealthy mysticism. To those lost in unhealthy mysticism, you must give messages of healing from this perspective.

Why cant' I have the continuation of grace in my life?

The majority of Christians cannot overcome the problems of their present reality. They may look like they are receiving grace in the sanctuary but they stumble when they go back to their fields. When I say "field", I don't simply mean outside. They are not enjoying God's blessings in their lifestyle. They receive so much grace and then lose in the field of their workplace. They receive so much grace and then lose in the field of the church. Living a life of having victory in the field with spiritual power is the true form of the Christian.

Why can't I escape from the problems of my past?

Many believers are not able to escape from their past. You must help them to come out of their past problems. Especially help them to escape from their thoughts of the past. As you read this book, you will gain the sure answer concerning this area.

Why can't I receive the guidance of the Holy Spirit?

Christians who should be living their lives following the guidance of the Holy Spirit are not receiving his guidance. Therefore, they have no choice but to live self-centered lives. Instead of living a God-centered, gospel-centered life, they are living lives that are not gospel-centered.

Not only Christians but everyone has these five problems. Among believers, there are some that are aware of these problems, some that are don't know and others that are misguided. You must have the definite answer to this. If the pastor were to proclaim the answer to this problem from the pulpit, the light in the eyes of the congregation will definitely be different. If you have the correct motives, then God will bless the church member, pastor, believer that has the gospel. But if you are wrong from the start, you will continue to go in the wrong direction. It may seem as if things are going well but things will repeatedly go wrong. The start must be the gospel; the start must be life. The start must be salvation.

Here's the second of my English 12 journals. Actually, I am not in the mood to share what happened this day. I'm sorry...


[u]On Being Female[/u]

I have no doubt about it. I’m certain about my gender. I am grateful I don’t have to go through the stage of confusion because since then, I am already fond of the fact that I am a woman and not the other way around. However, I realize that being a woman is not an easy job. It entails a lot of work—and I literally mean work.

They say that this is a man’s world and I am slowly realizing this as true. No matter how hard I try to affirm that all are equal and make myself believe that men and women alike have the same rights and responsibilities I always end up just fooling myself.

Let me start with my family. We are four girls and I still have three other brothers. But then, when it comes to the division of the household chores, it is as if my parents only have four children and that would be all the four of us, only their daughters. My brothers don’t always get to do any household chores. They are not assigned to wash the dishes, do the laundry and clean the house. They will never work unless my parents nag and tell them to do some things.

True, that this might be due to the way our parents brought us up. Biological tendencies might also be another argument—that my brothers might just be naturally lazy or something of that sort. However, I could not hidden the fact that this might also be due to the traditional perception that girls should do all the domestic chores at home and men should always stay out and do those heavy work. Probably, one main reason still of this inequality is the nature of work.

Men and women might just be greatly socialized and influenced by their environment or culture that gender roles are biased. It is as if the moment one is born, his or her gender would determine how his or her fate would be like in the future. If one is born female, she automatically will be dressed in pink, and later on in life, she’ll be the one bearing all the children, cooking for the family, doing all the budgeting and taking care of the kids. On the other hand, if one is born male, he will be dressed in blue, will have guns and balls as toys and when he grows up, he’ll be asked to do the carpentry work and later on establish a family and provide for them. Sad, but most of us have this tendency to create gender stereotypes about gender roles. This is despite that fact that compared than before, women in society and their roles as to what they could and could not do has greatly changed and improved.

I am very much delighted of seeing much empowered women who could make a difference, not to try to prove something about being a woman versus being a man, but to prove something for themselves. I admire those who are fighting for their rights in the society for there are still limitations and persecutions that being a woman necessitates.

With all of these, I am wondering if I want a girl or a boy for a child. As I said, I always enjoy being female yet I am worried of the much bigger responsibilities and hardships if ever I’ll have a girl. She will have to go through the painful disminorrhea every menstruation period every month, aside from the painful laboring later on if she’ll have her own family, as I hear because I asked from the adults of their painful experiences in laboring. But of course, I’d rather have a boy and a girl.

Even though this society strives for equality between men and women, I guess it would never happen because culturally and historically, males and females already have their designated roles. They may strive for changes and they might happen but the nature of work between them will always be differentiated. There are really just things that women can do that men cannot, and there are also those that men can do while women cannot.

There were many things that changed ever since we lost Ron in the house;
First, it’s sad home.
Second, people often cry.
Third, almost all are scared.
Fourth, Dad minimized his drinking.
Fifth, Mom always feels alone(ly)
Sixth, we feel incomplete.
Seventh, we can’t sleep alone at night.
Eight, no one opens the TV every morning.
Ninth, no one watches cartoons anymore.
Tenth, no one wakes up early in the morning anymore and asks Mom what is prepared for breakfast.
Eleventh, we don’t have to think of what to cook for all the 3 meals anymore, any can do.
Twelfth, we rarely go to Aling Huling’s Store now.
Thirteenth, we will not look after someone now in the playground.
Fourteenth, we sometimes hide our feelings of grief.
Fifteenth, we are always worried of each other.
Sixteenth, we text each other too often.
Seventeenth, we monitor each other always.
Eighteenth, it’s hard to laugh at times.
Nineteenth, it’s sad home.
Twentieth, it’s sad home.
…that tells all, but the list goes on.

***
I went to Cubao with Kreng today. I wasn’t able to go to church, since I woke up late. Again, it’s raining all day. I bought sandals from Confetti, a black brassiere from Avon and some school supplies from National. We had some of our pictures taken in Tronix at AliMall, and I kinda like the shots.

Home…it’s sad. Sometimes, because of Ron-ron’s death, I feel too restricted on how I would act in and out of the house, especially in dealing with the other mebers of the family. I feel too limited with the things I can do, the words I can say and the feelings I can show. Just like now, Mom and I argued about money. It’s not that I’m being too selfish, but I feel that I’ve given a lot. I save and then and I will realize at one point that I lost all of it because I give and give to Mom, whenever she needs some. This time, I really want to have something for the FUTURE. I just don’t care now whatever they think of me. I don’t want to explain anymore to anyone. I just feel that it’s too much for me to do that. I just feel guilty of how Mom reacted over a thousand pesos.

I also feel that I don’t know Ate Alot anymore. I hate her because she has graduated yet she seems not to have dreams of having a good life in the future. She seems of happy with the way our life is going. She’s such a bomb and I hate her for that. Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend who isn’t rich, to support her and give her a good good family life. I would just like to tell her that love is not everything in this WORLD, in order to survive. Though we may say that it’s the most important thing, I still don’t think so that it’s everything. People still need money to live and sometimes to love, and to keep you going. Ate A lot is so damn in love with her boyfriend. Nothing is wrong with that but I don’t think they’re using their heads!...and this is bullshit. I just really hope that they dream for the future, especially their children to be. It’s just so stupid, that when someone wants to get rich because you’re poor all your life, you would not do something, or just sit around at home and sometimes clean the house. So so so stupid.

Today is such a hate day!

It's raining all day long and though it's a Saturday, I wasn't excited to go out. It's really a hassle to bring an umbrella and commute. But then, I still went to Greenhills with my three other beautiful sisters. We just went to buy some shirts, bags, ponytails and looked at phones also.

It's been a month now that Ron is dead. It's been a month since he got drowned in Hundred Islands in Alaminos, Pangasinan. It's been a month since Dad called and told us that Ron is already gone. It's been a month since I touched his flesh and served him food, and hugged him.

I remember the day before, it was Kathylyn's birthday. I saw him sad that day. It was so unsual that he gave me a piece of maja blanca that he wasn't able to eat, I did not accept him. He amused me when I heard somebody said that he bought his own softdrinks, when in fact he's in a birthday party. Then that night, I knew he's full, but then he still asked for his dinner. I cooked ampalaya con carne and since he doesn't eat ampalaya, I just gave him rice with the broth, the meat and the egg. Before he slept, i even hugged him and actually joked that I will be sleeping with Mommy while he's gone...but I never thought that he'll be gone forever. I never thought, that it was the last night that I'll see him alive. I didn't imagine that he'll be leaving us already. He never even said goodbye, and I never even had the chance to say goodbye and say sorry for the bad things I've done to him. He never gave me the chance to make it up to him.

I've been strict with Ron-ron, but I never regret that since what I want is just for his own good also. But then, because of my being strict, that sometimes I want him to be like me, I realized that he never enjoyed childhood life with me. I was his Ate who scolded him when he put his toys somewhere and anywhere else in the house. I was his Ate who scolded him in the mall when he spends a lot in playing basketball and some other games in Worls of Fun. I was his Ate who wasn't patient in tutoring him when his periodical exams in school were coming. But then, all of this was because, I was his Ate who loves him and cares for him. I was his Ate who had so many dreams for him.

So Ron-ron, whereever you are right now, I want you to know that I am so so so so sorry for not allowing you to install your computer games here in the computer. I am so sorry for not allowing you to watch wrestling. Please forgive me if I never really showed you how much I love and I care for you.

I thank you Ron-ron for the ten years of your life that you shared with us. I thank you for your cries and laughter. I thank you for the times when you hold my hand and accompany me in the market to but the ingredients for our dinner. Ron, thanks for all.

Ron, just please be an angel for us. May you be God's gist to the family especially Mommy. May you alwus guide us and protect us. And whenever you feel lonely (I know you won't since you're happy there in heaven now with Inang)..just please don't call Mommy or Daddy, Ate Icel, Ate Alot, Odong, Kreng, Rommel and me to be with you...not for now. Ron, what I'm glad about is that you'll never anymore experience the hardships of this wprld. You'll not get wounded anymore. you'll never be harmed there, for you're with God already. Please Ron, protect us. Give me time and chance to give Mommy, Daddy and the six of us a good life here on earth, though I know this is just too worldly. guide me so, I can bring them to God...let me introduce them to Jesus.

....I love you, so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much. We love you too much. I really really really miss you. No words can express, how much I long for you...

Someday...I'll make it up to you, I promise that Ron.

This is the first of a series of 5 ournal entries for my English 12 class last semester.

[u]My Spiritual Journey[/u]

I was always concerned with my religion, more specifically with my relationship with God. Even when I was a kid, it mattered that I should go to church and pray. My spirituality was a big issue for I attribute a lot of things that was happening to me to the way I live my life and spend my time.

I grew up in a family who doesn’t go to church every Sunday. There was no single time that we all dressed up and headed to St. Joseph’s Church, which was actually just a walking distance from home. As I age, I just learned to accept that my parents weren’t really religious. They weren’t really particular about church attendance and how important it was to receive communion and confess or generally celebrate mass with the whole church.

My mother would always reason out that it is one’s actions that matter. I know she’s certainly right about that and I have no doubt that she’s a good person even though she doesn’t go to church. She serves a lot and more that anything else, she doesn’t keep grudges against people. She’s a very forgiving person.

However, no matter what she said my sisters and I still went to church together. We were in the church for Simbang Gabi, Palaspas and all the other Catholic celebrations in church. Yet there came a point when I asked for the purpose as to why I was doing all of those things. I was maturing then and I just felt that I needed to reestablish things and find some sense and direction and meaning to them. Unfortunately, I didn’t find any answer to my questions until this one important incident happened.

One Sunday, my cousin who was a Born-Again Christian invited me to attend service to her church. The church was actually just a few steps away from St. Joseph and so I went with her and tried. The feeling was actually weird the moment I stepped into the sanctuary. I knew I was in the right place and I liked it. It was very overwhelming and I felt peace inside. There were people rejoicing, praising and worshipping with the loudest of their voices without thinking of what the people around them might say. There were no apprehensions and they just closed their eyes and sincerely talked to God.

The scenes I saw perfectly answered the questions I had inside of me. I knew it was God who revealed Himself and personally answered those questions. He invited me to His new house and I felt welcomed that’s why I chose to stay, for there I found purpose and meaning to the things I was doing. I was eventually converted from being a Catholic to being a Born-Again Christian by my own and independent choice. I of course consulted my family about my conversion and they didn’t have anything against it. That made me much happier and even more complete as an individual.

Although it was hard to be around in a family with different beliefs in religion, I still tried to maintain the relationship as what we had before and I knew that in myself I’ve changed in dealing with things. I knew I was a better person and for me this was the most important thing. I can personally talk to God, worship and praise Him and read his Word and through this, I was able to know Him better and his Son Jesus.

I have no regrets about my past experiences when I was still a Catholic for they will always remind me of memories that as well shaped who I am today. I will never forget those times I had my first communion and also to be part of the commentator team. These and several others combined with my being active in my new church today and for being baptized again would be part of my spirituality and my rich religious endeavor.

There would be times that my faith would be shaken because of the things around me that are happening, but I strongly believe that God will always be there to guide me and catch me ever I stumble and fall. He’s just there, with arms wide open not just for me but also for everyone.

I got 415 as my random number, this semester. I was kinda worried about the teachers and the schedule I am gonna get, but I know God is good. I was early in school since I thought, the line will be long in OAA. I saw many faces, but not my crush.

I was with Cindy, and we talked. I told her about Ron, and shared opinions about death and family. The talk was kinda emotional.

Regcom '04 was good this semester. Registration was fast and it was a miracle that the line in cashier wasn't long. My only have classes on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. I haven't experienced this schedule yet, so I'm sort of nervous about it. (God is my driver through Jesus.)

Here's my schedule

Tuesdays/Thursdays
9:00 - 10:30 Theo 131 - Reyes
10:30-12:00 Psy105.1- Ty
12:00-1:30 Psy106 - Mateo
1:30 - 3:00 Psy107 - Macapagal
4:30 - 6:00 Ph101 - Guevarra

Saturdays
8:30-12:30 Psy105.2- Ty

My goal...to be a DEAN'S LISTER. (May God allow)
I still don't know what to do on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

I can't express how I feel. I just hope that today will be the start. I've been so spiritually down and dry for the past months, or probably a year now, and I am yearning for that spark again. Lord, I want to offer my life to you...again. So i sing...

[u]I OFFER MY LIFE[/u]

All that I am, all that I am
I lay them down before You, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaim
The joy and the pain
I’m making them Yours

Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I’ve been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life

Things in the past
Things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes
All of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You

What can we give that You have not given
And what do we have that is not already Yours
All we possess are these lives we’re living
And that’s what we give to You Lord

***
Tomorrow is reg day. I don't worry anymore on the schedule and the teachers I'll be getting. I know that God will be the driver of my life now, not me, not anyone else. I love you Lord! I entrust everything to you, especially my family.

I’m happy today because, I did not feel sleepy while Pastor Sam was having his message. But then, it also saddened me, that I was not able to get his message the past two days. He’s really good and cute also!

Joy had her testimony before all of us, teachers in RTC. I got shocked by her life story, and was touched by it. I felt so sorry for her yet also proud about how she dealt with life. I hope we’ll get closer. So this is the first confession, for the day.

Second was Normie. I felt sad for her. I don’t know what and how would I feel if I was in her situation. What happened to her was the last thing that I don’t want to happen to me, nor to any of my sisters. Oh, shit..I feel terrible. I want to comfort her, and make her feel that people are here, especially me. (I love you Normie!)

Then lastly was Daryl. He wanted to go with me in commuting home right after the ANI meeting and we were arguing actually if to ride a tryke in going to Katipinan or we’ll walk. But on our way, he said he was hungry so we ate (though, I did not like, I agreed for pakikisama’s sake, but no regrets about it. I just don’t like to eat…rice!)
We ate at Mang Bok’s in front of the Blue Eagle Gym. Then, there goes the opening up. He shared his love life and her family life. I kind of admired him for being so strong, but then I felt

To all the three, Joy, Normie and Daryl, I all admire each of you for being so strong and firm in dealing with life. I’ll always be praying for you. I just feel that you have bitterness in your heart that I can’t say, but I wish that you take those out and have them released to free yourselves from grudges and hard feelings. I wish all of you peace of mind and happiness. I love you all.

I feel sleepy the whole day. I slept at around 1 a.m. and woke up at 530. I arrived early in school and was expecting a long line to the covered courts but to my surprise, it’s the opposite. I lined up for around 30 minutes, and I was totally clueless that I was included in the HOLD ORDER’S LIST. I got really nervous since I couldn’t think of anything that I’ve done against anyone, or in any of my classes and teachers. I got relieved only when I found out that they held me since my high school was still not able to send Ateneo my transcript! (Sigh!)

I saw some friends again in campus, and a crush. (hihi..) We were both in the same line of the people who’s in the hold order’s list. (oh well…)

Pastor Sam was an interesting speaker, I know with his likes, I shouldn’t get bored or sleepy, but I nearly closed my eyes totally and rest. Probably, I really just lack sleep.

I feel bad. I think, I’ve eaten a lot today! (bad me!!!)