believer in my Maker & Savior

Finally, I can now use the internet home. I already have my laptop modem fixed but then my computer isn't working yet. I just hate it. I totally don't have any idea why I can't make any connection there for the dial up-networking. I am just so happy now, I don't hve to go to Mr.Tony again since I already figured out how exactly I can log-on here in my laptop.

 One more disaster that happened was that, suddenly I can't log-on into tblog. So, my password was changed and I don't know who changed it or if there was somebody who changed it or was it just the tblog. So even thoough I can add a blog, I can't because I don't have my password. Not until today. I already figured out how to do things and i actually had my former password retained. So, it has been days that I haven't been blogging.

There wasn't really anything special that happened, just the usual things. The last few days were very tiring since I have to read my books where I have exams. This coming week I'll be having my long exams in all of my psychology classes. I don't have class tomorrow for experimental psyche. I have the whole day to prepare for the exam. At least, I don't feel like I am lacking time for reviewing. I am not procrastinating this time.

Yesterday's theology long quiz was so hard. I think if not of the 50 points bonus, I'd get probably just 10 items out of 50. I wasn't sure of most of my answers. I am just praying that Father Reyes would be more considerate with our essays, especially with mine. I am glad everything is going smooth in the family at the moment. Though financially, we are having problems, God is just always there to provide.

Here is my contribution to our Philiosphy long test. We were asked to pick up anissue regarding youths today and we chose our being so physically conscious and pointed out the values that are in conflict with each other.

[i]It is very evident that the youth of today values physical appearance more than anything else. They are image conscious. Because of modernity, the youth have become what they are today whose ideas and ideals are brought about by modernity.

As time progresses, media has played a vital role in influencing the minds of youth, especially with their image. They have become so obsessed with worldly things which dictate what is attractive and what is not. The rewards that the young people of today get motivate them to conform to what the TV, the magazines and many others which tell those which are beautiful.

“Thin is beautiful,” this has become the one of the most important words that the youth are keeping in mind. There has been a great deal of increase in the number of gyms, spas, salons, skin care center, and the likes of Dr. Vicky Belo are becoming so popular nowadays. What is seen matters most. People judge people based on their overall appearance, including their body, their face, the way they dress and as a whole the way they carry themselves.

With all of these, we should ask ourselves, why. Why are the youth of today give much importance to and value physical appearance? The answer to this must also be questions. Why do they have to conform? Are they doing it for themselves or for others? Who do they really please? It is clear here that there are conflicts in the values of today’s youth that compels them to be physically conscious. The value of self-appreciation and the value of appreciation of others are in tension. There are youth who are overtly conscious of their body because to themselves they think they will feel better and prettier about themselves when they’re thin than when they’re fat or obese. However what works here as well is their desire to be appreciated by others. They think people would accept them more if they keep up to what the society thinks is beautiful and in this case, that which is right. They conform and sometimes willing to undergo changes in their lifestyle just to please others.

This then leads us to the second set of values which are in conflict with each other—the value of self-belonging and the value of social belongingness. We can take a look at the young actors and actresses in today’s limelight. Part of their lives would be constant facial, hair and body treatments. This is because all the time they need to look attractive in the public’s eye. Sometimes, they have to be perfect because others look up to them for they serve as role models. They for sure do all of these things so to belong to the realm of show business. They do these to belong to the people with the expectation that people would embrace them as their idols. This force of belonging to others might work stronger than with their value to self-belong. For some, they might be portraying their true exact image but some and actually most of the young stars of today are willing to change their image because people won’t buy them if they don’t. They won’t sell. Sometimes in doing so, they sacrifice their own happiness.

We are social beings that’s why it is just but normal to conform and do whatever is pleasing to others. But then, we are also unique individuals who have personal needs, which have to be fulfilled. We need to be happy about ourselves and sometimes, we will be happier if others like us. Perhaps, to resolve this issue of the youth, we should learn to compromise the values we have of ourselves and the values of the society that compels us to go with the flow. We should learn to balance these values. In this way, we fulfill both our personal needs and the needs of the society. [/i]

***
Dear Lord, thank you for this wonderful and happy day that you've given me and my family. Thank you for always being with us. Thank you for your faithfulness. May you forgive us all our sins Lord. I entrust to you therest of the day. May you always give us wisdom in making our decisions and just in doing simple things. I love you Lord, and I pray all of these in Jesus' name, Amen.

When I woke up this morning, I thought of just two things. I was worried of my second long exam in biological psychology and my Mom. I was worried more of my Mom. I thought of waking up Ate Alot and reminding her to watch over Mom so that she’ll have someone to talk to when she’s hearing THEM “talk.” Also I thought of talking to Kuya Bodjie, our neighbor and ask him a favor to go once in a while at the house, so that Mom will not be alone. I failed to these two things.

In school, I wasn’t focused on reviewing for my exam, since I’m worried of Mom. Unluckily, I don’t have any credits to text anyone home so that I could just simply ask whatever is it that is happening. In the afternoon, my cellphone lost its battery so I don’t have any means of knowing if someone has texted or none.

The test went fine. I answered everything but I wasn’t sure of all of my answers. I trust God with the results. I also got the result of my Cognitive Psyche first long exam and I got a B+. I was happy, but then I was also not. Again, it’s because my mind was flying, thinking of home and Mom. I got lucky that Sir Jope dismissed us around 20 minutes earlier for our Philosophy class. I didn’t know how I feel, but I really wanted to be home at the same time not, because I was afraid to face the possibility that something bad happened.

I don’t like to think that whenever I feel that way, something really happened. I would never want to be paranoid and be psychologically sick. Most of all, I don’t want to lose faith in God.

Yes, something bad happened home. I was just so thankful, that it was not as grave as I was thinking. The same incident that transpired November 1 of last year happened. I still remember the date, since that was Inang’s birthday when she was still alive. (Oh how I miss my Lola.)

I met Mom and Kreng on my way home. They were walking off to the market to buy something for dinner. They told me what happened right away.

I got hurt. My emotions automatically heightened. I knew it was a feeling of anger, of rage. I went with Mom and Kreng when they told me that THE NAME NOT WORTHY TO BE MENTIONED, boxed Mom in the face. So here’s the rest of the story, as told by them.

It was because of money again that THE NAME NOT WORTHY TO BE MENTIONED, called and confronted Mom in the room. She’s accusing Mom of getting all the money of Nanang. So, Mom answered. Since Ate A lot, Odong and Kreng were home, they actually involved themselves in the fight. If I was there, I probably would also. We just love our Mom so so so much that we wouldn’t let anyone hurt her physically, much more emotionally. I think it is logical that when the one who gave birth to you, who’s navel is actually the same as ours is hurt, we would feel the same.
I just don’t understand what is up with THE NAME NOT WORTHY TO BE MENTIONED. I actually don’t know what is with my family that she and my other relatives are so angry of. Again, this will boil down to my conclusion that they’re just so envy and insecure of us. It is probably because my parents were able to bring us to school and let Ate Icel and Ate Alot finish college, even though Dad earns just little with his driving and Mom on the other hand, just take care of us without earning any. I am not actually sure, or is it our personalities, (for me, us being so hardworking and having full of dreams) that they are angry about. But whatever it is, they are so unfair.

Things are so unfair really. The spotlight is always with the family. When the THE MEMBERS OF THE BLANK FAMILY NOT WORTHY TO BE MENTIONED TOO do something wrong, it’s okay. But when it is us, it’s totally not fine. We should be blamed. We should suffer.

We’re relatives and yet, it’s as if we’re not. We’re in the same house but we quarrel. We talk to each other at times but in ourselves, it’s fake. We pretend, that we are all in good terms to each other even though we’re not.

I could probably let what happened this day pass, but I will not forget it. Together with my dreams, it is my promise that we will be confident to stand up and face everything that will happen in the future. Whatever happens, I am here to defend my family, especially my Mom. This bad memory will go with my dreams, but it will strengthen my ambitions instead of destroy it. This is my promise.

Someday, we’ll get out of this house, live a simple life away from THEM and finally be peaceful and happy. I wouldn’t want to judge them for still I do not know what is making THEM do such things. They probably have reasons, but I am hoping they are not selfish reasons. I still wish them happiness.

My emotions now are lowered down a bit. There are still feelings of anger but I already can control them and be in the right process of thinking.

It’s actually hard to move here, but we won’t give up the fight.

Oh yeah, of course there is still a good one that happened today. Kuya Yuri asked me what position do I want to take for the ANI core. I actually said yes to being a secretariat and documentation and publications head. I wish I am right with my decision. God is simply so good.
***
Dear Lord, thank you for this wonderful day that you've given me and my family. I thank you for all the things that happened today. Lord, I know everything that we go through is a learning experience. I just pray Lord Father that in your right time, you'll heal the wounds. All in the family are hurt rigt now and may you be our comforter. May you be our guide and peace. May you instill in us trust so that we can call up unto you. Lord, please bless everyone. It is my deepest desire to give them a good life in the future and may you always bless me with everything I do so that on my way to reaching my goals, I'll still be righteous in front of you. May you teach us to forgive. I pray for the people who are in the darkness. May you give them light and wisdom so that they can do the right things. Lord, please give us a pure heart, so that we can face a brighter tomorrow. Bless the people who are always there to help us. Be with us, especially Mom, as we now go to sleep and take a rest. Always give us wisdom and lead us to the right path. We love you Lord and I pray all of these in Jesus' wonderful name, Amen.

I haven't blogged for two consecutive days. I've been reading my books and reviewing for my 2nd biopsy long tests that's why.

I went to the ANI discernment yesterday, and i just felt good. I want to be part of the ANI core and whatever happens in the future, I know it's Gods will.

So now, all I have to do is memorize stuff for tomorrow's exam. I wish I could ace it as always.

I really just couldn't understand how people could be so selfish, how they could be so demanding of material things in this world. I really don't get it why people, especially the older ones couldn't be satisfied with the things they have now at the moment and cherish the remaining days of their lives. I am really in total question why they hurt others, without taking into consideration that everyone can feel and be hurt, and cry. We all have our senses, and I just don't understand why they can't put themselves in someone else's shoes.

I wouldn't be this emotional when I don't see my Mom hurt. I know she's suffered a lot, and I won't let anybody, even my relatives, old or young to hurt my most beloved Mom, which happens to be the best Mom in this world.

I wonder how far a feeling of insecurity and envy can bring my relatives to the extent of hurting other people. I just hate their guts. All they have are their tongues. They chatter and chatter and chatter. They don't even think anymore.

I am hurt because my Mom is hurt.
Right now, I just want to be focused to where I want to bring my family. I have dreams and goals and no matter what, I'll realize them and prove to other people, especially my relatives that my family can make it. But I'll make sure, that along the way, I'll still be righteous. I'll make sure that I won't hurt others, as to my knowledge.

All I know right now is that I am full of questions. I want to get my family out of this house. It's hell here. It's hell to deal with my relatives who don't even think. I know it's bad, but I don't want to lie, especially to myself, I just hate them. I really just need to let things out. I badly want to graduate with honors, get a good job, get to the states with Uncle Mike, Auntie Bellie and Ate Michelle, stay there for good, petition everyone in the family, have a good and simple life there and most of all, to be away from the people who always judge us.

I'll make all the bad feelings into an inspiration and motivation. I know crying and fighting back would do no good.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. I love you Lord, and I lift everything to you. Our feelings, everything Lord. Please forgive us, for we have sinned. I love you Lord and I will always thank you for your faithfulness. All of these I pray in Jesus' name, Amen.

Did you know that I cannot access any Mircosoft Office Application in my computer especially Word. I am just so stupid that in my desire to speed up my computer, I actually uninstalled Microsoft Frontpage. Actually, Ate Alot warned me already that I might erase some files also, but I did not listen. I am just so stupid.

Anyway, it is my problem now to look for a Micosoft Office installer. I just thank God that I have my laptop, I can do there for a while documents. But anyhow, I am successful in speeding my computer up. But of course, I am more frustrated than happy.

I am trying to finish my biopsyche book today, so I could go on with my other readings. I should have gone to the school and study there instead. Probably, I already finished the two chapter-coverage for Tuesday's long exam.

My fault...I am stupid.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Thank you for the life of each and everyone. May you always guide us and protect us in everything that we do. May you be with everyone wherever he/she goes. I love you Lord and I ask for forgiveness for our shortcomings. I pray all of these in Jesus' name, Amen.

I was worried as always, when I left home and went to school this morning. Odong did not go home.

In school, I went to the chapel. I cried there and prayed for the family. God is just so good he listened and answered readily.

Mom already knows about Odong and that she will then be a grandmother.

I am worried on the other hand with Dad. He's starting to drink again every night. I do hope he gets over whatever is it that he's thinking. I know something is bothering him. I am really praying for him.
***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Thank you for everything. May you always forgive us our sins. I love you Lord and I pray all of these in Jesus' wonderful name, amen.

I lack sleep, as always. All this time I’ve been reviewing for my tests. The two test were over for experimental and cognitive psychology. It’s actually my fault since I always cram for everything. I just feel relieved that my teacher moved my long exam for biological psyche for next week. I am supposed to have it on Thursday, thank God at least I’ll have time to memorize all the things that I need to. God is just so good.

In school, yesterday, I was so disturbed. I was worrying all the time of Odong and his situation. His girlfriend’s sister actually is planning to confront my parents about what happened. We were also planning to tell Mom first about it since I know it was also hard for my brother. I just don’t like to happen that Marianne’s family would come over the house or even just by chance she could talk to any of my parents over the phone and tell everything. I know we should be the one to tell our parents about everything.

I am just so burdened right now. I don’t know what to do. And if ever I come upon an idea to be brave enough and tell Mom about it, I would just suddenly scare myself away and lack courage to speak up. I’m such a chicken!

I am totally disturbed. For some time, I think I need peace of mind and I am just totally clueless how to get enough of it. I think it doesn’t require anyone’s effort to have peace, it just finds the person. I am so sad about this. I know it’s actually my brain because if I just have the capability to repress everything and just get rid of thinking about these kinds of things, I could easily have peace. But then, that could never happen because I’ll always care for them and I won’t stop loving them.

I hate my computer. It's so slow, it would take me an hour to open my webpage. I need to upgrade it now but still don't have the bucks. I wish I could get my modem already so I can just use my laptop.

Bern, messaged me through friendster. She's the friend I have for the longest time. She's my best friend. She's asking my how my love life is. I wish she knows I still don't have.

Well, me and my friends are growing old now. Alma and Cherielyn already have their boyfriends. Even my guy friends, have already gone through several relationships. I guess only Bernadine and I, are the ones who never had. Probably, we really just set our priorities and I don't know with Bern but I believe in delayed gratification.

The moment I have one, I want that the guy be my first and my last, and hopefully I would also be his first and last. Sounds too ideal, but ever since, that's what I wanted. I just hope it comes true. Goodluck...to me!!!

So to that one guy who's destined for me...see you soon.

I am so glad I have theology of marriage as my subject this semester. I get to know and learn a lot of things about love and relationships.

...I still have so many readings to catch up. (this should sound I'm worried)

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you’ve given me and my family. Thank you for giving me wisdom during my exams this day. Lord, whatever happens in the future especially with regards to Odong’s situation, which involves the whole family, may you be the one to take control. May you place everything in place. Lord, I strongly pray for courage for everyone in the family so that we could face whatever problems come our way. Lord, thank you for being here. Thank you for always answering my prayers. I thank you for being here to listen. I love you Lord and I entrust to you everything because you are the God and it is your will that should be done. I love you Lord and I pray all of these in Jesus’ name, Amen.

She's my favorite cousin.
She always cares and loves.
I just feel good everytime she emails.

***
Fri, 09 Jul 2004 20:16:18 +0000

Marjorie,
How are you, my dear? How are your classes coming along? Earlier you had shared with me that you were not excited about going back to school. Do you still feel the same?

And how about the homefront? It was not too long ago that it was Ron Ron's birthday. I am sure that he was on everyone's mind that day even if no one talked about it. And I am sure that everyone was a little sadder that day. How is your mom coping? Your dad? The rest of the family?
I would love to hear from you. Write when you can. As always, wishing you were here.

Michelle

***
Then I replied...

Hi Ate Michelle,
I am doing okay. We're all still coping but definitely, we all have to move on.

I have interesting subjects this semester. I have adjusted already with my schedule. I only have classes on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. I have 3 psychology classes and a theology class on marriage and one philosophy class. I find my schedule hard though, since if I am at home, I can't really study because there are a lot of things to do home aside from the temptation to just watch TV or just sleep and rest.

It wasn't actually Ron's birthday, but his "40 days." It went just fine and a lot of people actually came.

Well, as for everyone I really just don't know how exactly each feels. Well probably it's just normal to remember him and cry at times and then ask and question WHY! It's good to go out sometimes since we're not home and we're doing other things so we forget what happened. But then. when we're in places like malls where Ron usually wanted to be at, we get sad and imagine what if THAT didn't happen.

Ate Michelle, I am sorry if I don't email you that much now. Actually, I have all the time to do but, I just don't know how to say things to people anymore (unless of course they ask). Thanks for emailing. At least at times I get to let things out and say everything that I want to say. I actually coudn't talk to anyone in the family about how I feel about the situation or about what happened since I know I should be strong for them. I really just find it hard to open up to people at this point in time since the issue will still be about Ron's death. So sad.

I don't know if it's good or bad but since Ron died, all of us get too paranoid about each other. When someone isn't home yet and it's already late, all just worry too much. In a positive way, it's nice that we all learned to care now for each other and show it through texts in cellphones. But then, it's negative in a sense that we worry too much that we think something bad happened to someone. It's as if we think that this world is not really a safe place (which I think is true) and that we are slowly losing our faith in God.

Thanks talaga Ate Michelle. I really wish I am there.
Promise, I will be someday, I know.

Huwag ka gaanong mag-alala sa amin. Okay kami.

Ikaw kamusta ka na? Si Kuya Mark at yun alaga niyong aso?
I hope you're doing okay rin.

I always include you in my prayers. God bless you.

Love
Marjorie

***
Then once more she answered..

I am so glad you wrote so soon. I was worried about you. It must be difficult to repress your feelings for you feel that you have to be strong for everyone. All I can say is that I am here for you if you just want to let it all out. Sometimes I think it is easier to confide in someone who is not in your immediate circle. Do you know what I mean?

I wish you could be here with me. I feel as though I could share so much with you. What's going on with your visa? Are you going to visit anytime soon?

Love,
Michelle

I actually just can't say abything now. All I am doing until now is read my books for the exams. It's hell!
I wish I'll get high and aced them. I know God is there.

***
Thank you Lord for this day that you've given me and my family. Thank you for eveything...just about everything. Please be with me tomorrow and give me wisdom as I take my exams. Enlighten me Lord and help me remember the things that I reveiwed and will be reviewing still. Please help me to be righteous, so I could offer everything to you. I love you Lord, and I pray these in Jesus' name, Amen.

"Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you need, what you know that breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."

– Fr. Pedro Arrupe S.J.

When I woke up at around 6 in the morning today, I was still undecided if I was gonna go to the ANI discernment. Also, I was kind of nervous for our report on our naturalistic observation in my experimental psychology class.

Everything went well in our group report. My group mates were all great. I found out today that I am in the "bright" bracket of people since I scored 112 in an IQ
test, which Sir Ty gave us during today's Saturday class. I am happy enough with my score. I just couldn’t believe how my group mate John reacted of his score. I find him kind and cool but this time, he's getting too over confident of himself that just irritated me a bit.

After class, I decided to go to the library and study there. I thought that if I was just gonna go home, I can't study since I would have to help in the preparation for Nanang's birthday celebration. I decided to study until 230 and wait till then if I was gonna go to the discernment session or not. I was able to take a nap for the Filipiniana section of the library, and then I realized that my feet were already 2:30.

No regret about it. There were a lot of learnings from the speakers who were invited. There were a lot of realizations and the time just gave me space to reflect and think about things.

Okay...I cried.

I still wasn't sure if I'll still join the core group of ANI and I was just so burdened that when it was already my turn to speak, I just burst into tears. I was just so burdened of the fact that I felt I wasn't deserving anymore of any position. I have my priorities and ANI just comes after my family, my studies and my spiritual life.

I know I did not join an organization this semester since I will have ANI. But then, I realized that there were a lot of people who are more deserving than I am to be part of the new ANI core. I guess it would be unfair if I would fill a position that is supposed to be handles by a better person who has more commitment.

No doubt about it of course. I have always loved ANI. ANI is where I belong. It helped me a lot, in everything. I gained self-confidence because of it and it gave me so many opportunities in life. It opened doors for several friendships and works where I could learn a lot from.

I would always want to serve the same organization that served me when still I was the person who dreamed of the things that I am enjoying right now. I would love to serve the people who experienced the things that I experienced in a public high school. I would want to see my fellows go into good
universities and acquire quality education despite financial constraint.

I just love doing things for people.

I didn't blog last night. Again, i got too sleepy to wait for the one using the phone
till he or she finished.

I was thinking of sharing the article by M. Scott Peck, Love on his novel (i am not sure if that's a novel or simply a book) called "A Road Less Travelled". Many things actually shocked me especially the misconceptions he
enumerated. But I will share them sometime, when I have time.

I feel so full. Pathways treated us to KFC. I got home past 10 in the evening and I am still forcing myself to write this and after to study and not to sleep right away.
Goodluck to me.

***
Lord, thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Thank you for all the blessings and also the trials that you're letting us experience. I know you have plans and that everything will fall right into place when the right time comes. I love you Lord, and as always I entrust to you my family. May you always give everyone guidance, wisdom and grace. I just adore you and love you. I pray all of these in Jesus' name, Amen.

I wasn't able to post yesterday. I got so sleepy last night that I wasn't able to wait Ate Icel finish on the phone. My eyes were just so tired they're crying out loud for some rest.

I set my phone to alarm at 12 but I wasn't able to wake up. I actually told Mom to wake me up so I could finish reading my expe psy book for Tuesday’s first long exam, but until now since I didn't wake up, I haven't finished the last chapter yet.

Yesterday night was a lot of tension. Dad and Mom scold Odong while we're having dinner because he's letting Marianne sleep over here in the house. Dad was stressing that he's making the house like a motel, which I think is true.

I still cannot put my feet on Marianne shoes. I don’t want to judge her but I really just don't like what she's doing. I know my brother has ruined her life, but she also has ruined my brother's life.

Ate Alot and I talked to odong last night outside the house. I was crying while I was talking to him. I know our parents should know about his situation already and we were just all too confused on how to deal with it. We're probably afraid of what their reactions will be, especially that of Dad's.

So, I talked to him. I told him that we're just all here and we're gonna support him no matter what. I asked him to just accept all of the words that might her that will come out of our parents' mouths.

...I still don't know. : (

So it's been a night again that the family was complete. At least we're not worrying anymore of Mom, since she's home already.

I am still not decide if I'd go for the discernment tomorrow or not.

Again, I don't know, but I totally care.

I still have lots of reading to do.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Thank you for always keeping everyone in the family safe. May you bless everyone and the people who are helping us. Bless Auntie Bellie, Uncle Mike and their whole family and the Mercado family. Bless my friends and relatives. Please forgive me for my shortcomings. Lord, I don't know but something is really lacking in my life and I know it's you. Please prepare my heart so when the right time comes everything will be in the right place. I love you Lord and I life up to you everything especially next week since I'll be having lots of exams. Give me wisdom always. I pray all of these in Jesus' name, Amen.

I feel so tired. Imagine, the moment I woke up at around 7 this morning, I never stopped working inside the house Up until now, there are still so many things to do.

I got so busy today cleaning the WHOLE house, the freezer, doing the laundry and many things more like taking care of Nanang. I even went to school because OAA texted me. I was wondering what it was so I decided to go. I only disappointed myself since it's just about the tutoring thing which I declined to do.

Probably in an hour, Ate Alot and I will head to the bus terminal to fetch Mom. I miss her so so much. (mwah mommy)

I am still worried of the tons of reading I have. I think I should not sleep to finish them all before my 3 long exams come.

I got wounded in my feet. I was scrubbing the floor when suddenly, a small portion of it was bleeding. I didn't feel hurt when I wasn't still aware I was bleeding but when I was already conscious I have wound, it really hurt.

I have a theo quiz again tomorrow. Haayyyy...
I feel tired yet I am just half satisfied with what I have accomplished so far today. I am hoping I'll still have the brains to understand what I should be reading.

***
Dear Lord, thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. I thank you for blessing each and everyone in the family and keeping everyone safe. Thanks for the traveling mercy for Mom and Dad. Thank you, thank you, thank you. May you always give me wisdom and may you teach me to use it well and righteously. I love you Lord and I entrust to you the rest of the day. I pray these in Jesus' name, Amen.

I always lack sleep. On the average, I sleep around 5-6 hours only or sometimes even less. It actually depends on the situation. The reason for this at the moment is that probably Mom and Dad is not home. Meaning, I have to do the things they should be doing like cooking at some others, which my other brothers and sisters couldn't do.

I received three of my quizzes and exam results today from theo, expepsyche and biopsyche and I was quite satisfied and very much thankful to God for them. I perfected my theo quiz though I could actually get 6/5, and I actually overperfected my expepsyche quiz. I was happy that I got 38/50 for my biopsyche, though I am not one of the highest scorers, but at least I passed by 3 points. (I realized just today that Ms. Mateo's grading system is too high.)

I really feel lazy attending my cognitive psyche class. I just need still that push that will encourage me to do advance readings and studies not just for cog but in all of my subjects.

I got dizzy with the stuff Sir Guevarra taught us in Philo. Man, it's so hard to philosophize. I think I only got to like Philo before since I easily understood the lessons (since the readings were quite easy). Now, I don't think I could ever be satisfied in reading an assigned article only once. I probably will have to repeat the text over and over again so I could get the whole picture.

Yipee! Mom is going back home tomorrow. By tomorrow night, we will be able to see her again. I love Mom so so so much, and also dad, and of course all of my siblings. They're my life, ya know.

I am just worried with Odong's issue. I still am not ready to tell Mom about him getting his girlfriend pregnant. I am worried also of Odong. I really get angry at him everytime he drinks liquor. I hate him for bringing Marianne home. I just want a dignity for him. I want him to prove to everyone that he could stand on his own and he could face the consequences of all his actions.

I hope he realizes his mistake and be anle to feel sorry fo them. I hope he thinks of the baby and stop drinking and all of his vices. May he learn to love his self first so that he could love other people and that people will love her back.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. I thank you for this very nice day. Thank you for the high results of my exams and quizzes. I thank you for keeping each and everyone in the family safe. I pray Lord that you guide Mom in her travel tomorrow. May you be the one to be with her. Bless the bus driver oh God. Give my Mom traveling mercy. Don't let anything bad happen. I also pray for my Dad. Lord, I know it is hardest for him to be remembering Ron since he has the memories of how and why he died. May you be his comforter. May you always hug him and make him feel your love and the love of his family. I pray for my siblings. Always keep them safe. May you keep them away from temptations and from sinning against you, so am I. I love you Lord and I entrust to you everything now. I pray all of these in Jesus' wonderful name, Amen.

I just truly love this. Hope you too!
I hope I can download its audio in Kazaa. (cross fingers)

***
Everybody's Free
(to wear sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97... wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Did you know that I cannot access any Mircosoft Office Application in my computer especially Word. I am just so stupid that in my desire to speed up my computer, I actually uninstalled Microsoft Frontpage. Actually, Ate Alot warned me already that I might erase some files also, but I did not listen. I am just so stupid.

Anyway, it is my problem now to look for a Micosoft Office installer. I just thank God that I have my laptop, I can do there for a while documents. But anyhow, I am successful in speeding my computer up. But of course, I am more frustrated than happy.

I am trying to finish my biopsyche book today, so I could go on with my other readings. I should have gone to the school and study there instead. Probably, I already finished the two chapter-coverage for Tuesday's long exam.

My fault...I am stupid.
***

Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Thank you for the life of each and everyone. May you always guide us and protect us in everything that we do. May you be with everyone wherever he/she goes. I love you Lord and I ask for forgiveness for our shortcomings. I pray all of these in Jesus' name, Amen.

I really hate my relatives here, especially Lola. I don't know what is up with her and she's so mad at my family. All of my relatives especially the family of Auntie Bing and Mama are all angry at us. I don't know what is it with us, that it seems we're the only people they could see to criticize and to talk about. I just feel they're so insecure. It's as if we have everything so they envy us.

Sometimes, when I hear them talking bad about us, it seems that they don't know we're just near and we're not hearing what they're saying. I don't think they have ever put their feet on others' shoes. I'm pretty sure, they wouldn’t want to be gossiped about, but it is as if they don't know how it feels. They don't even care if they're hurting others. They always think that we don't have ears to hear and eyes to see. Well, for their information that was way back then, when we were to young to comprehend what is happening in this damn house. They probably think that time doesn't pass and that we don't grow old, enough to understand and learn how to reason out and fight on what we think is right.

I don't know why they hate my Mom so much. Mom is such a hero for me, that she never ever fought back to Lola for whatever bad things she's done to her.

I know it's bad to curse, so I won't. As my defense mechanism, I just think that in everything that they're doing, they'll never be happy. They would die unpeaceful. I just pity them because they don't have our respect anymore. I just believe that respect is something that you give and not something that one asks, you gain it by your deeds. They'll never be happy, and they're grandchildren to their nth power.

I know i am angry. I just have to let this out.

Someday if they'll ever read this, may they ask for God's forgiveness for they have truly hurt people.

Anyway, enough of them. I actually don't want to give them space here in my blog. I just so hate them. I'll probably forgive them in time.

Last night, I slept late since I still waited for Ate Alot to come home and also I have to wake Dad up at 2 am. I slept when Dad left to fetch his boss Roy in Antipolo.

Oh yeah, we went to visit Ron in the morning. We cut some grasses and it was fun. I like Ron's place to be pretty. I think, that's the least I can do for him. I love and I miss you my most loved brother. You'll never be forgotten.

So, today, I woke up to do everything I can in 3 hours or so. I cooked, I cleaned, I cleaned the freezer, take a bath and fix my things.

I hope Mom's travel going back here would be safe.
Dad also will be going out of town again, may God bless and take care of him.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Please forgive me God for been praying and reading your Word for such a long time now. Lord, I am sorry but I guess I am not yet ready. I still am waiting for a pureness of my heart. I am so confused right now that at times I don't know what to do. Forgive me for forgetting to run to you whenever I feel troubled. May you forgive me if many times, I worry about things that I know only you has a hold of. I love you Lord, and may you also forgive my family for the sins that we committed. I will always thank you for their lives. Thanks for Mom and Dad. May you give them travelling mercy everytime. Please give them longer life, so I could make their dreams come true and my dreams for them to be real. Bless each one of us in the family and may you always give us wisdom. I ask for wisdom and patience and perseverance in my studies as I am having a difficulty in reading all of my assignment and my books. May you lead me always to the righteous way, as well as my whole family. I love you Lord, and thank you for the people that you're sending to help us. Thank you also for those people who hurt us, for they inspire us to strive more and live life to its fullest. I love you Lord, and I pray all of these in Jesus' name, Amen.

This is the 3rd message/email of my most admired, Pastor Kim.

***
Why are people unhappy? It's not because they don't have "things" but because they are separated from God because of the sin that they were born with and Satan who brings deception and lies only to bring destruction... the theif comes to steal kill and destroy. That's why it is Only Jesus who is the answer. The fact that Jesus is the CHrist! this is the answer to al of our probelms.. that's why God sent Christ. We need to be convicted of this and give true thanksgiving for this.

Hello all! I pray that you are found enjoying God's grace and mercy in Christ Jesus. I would love ot hear from you all and know what your prayer topics are so I can pray for you more specific... and also those that are emailing back... i would like a picture so I can also have a visual picture of who to pray for as well.. much grace and love in Christ,

Sam.

ENJOY! Gospel Letter Chapater 2, part 1

Why Can't People Meet God?

This is the most important time in your life. God made this meeting between you and me important. This is what God said to you. This is the most blessed time and from a spiritual point of view, it is a very important time. From another point of view, it is the time of spiritual battle. It is the time that determines in one moment whether you live or fall back into failure and curses. If we were to compare this to a boxing match, it would be the same as when the boxer faces the life or death moment of the fight. Therefore, the way God sees it, this meeting is an important and beautiful moment that is second to none.

Whenever I go to evangelize, I always say these words.

"God told me to come to you, so I came. I want to give to you the greatest words of blessings that you have not heard before."

With these words, I've seen many people open up the door to their hearts and turn a listening ear to me.

One time I went to the prison to evangelize. There were about 300 convicts there. This is how I relayed my joy at meeting them.

"I am going to give you a really good present today. Right here in this place, I want to introduce you to the way to meet God."

These words seem simple but they opened up the door to their hearts and accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. I did not tell them to repent but I saw many of them shed tears of repentance as they confessed their sins. I always approach those who have not yet met God and are wandering with God's great gift of relaying the true news of salvation to them.

God gives assurance to the one entrusted with the commission of relaying the gospel. The meeting between Philip and the Ethiopian eunuch which took place within God's perfect guidance and plan was changed into the most blessed opportunity.

God sent his angel to Philip and told him what would happen shortly (Acts 8:26) and the Holy Spirit himself guided Philip (Acts 8:39). Philip, led by the Holy Spirit, met the Ethiopian eunuch and through this one in a lifetime meeting, he proclaimed Jesus Christ, the eternal solution of salvation (Acts 8:35). Passing by some water, the eunuch himself wanted to receive baptism and Philip baptized him. Afterwards the two never met again (Acts 8:39).

That's why this meeting can be the important moment that may be our last meeting. In front of God, it is a very important first meeting, and in front of God it can be a very important last meeting. I always pray this way. "God, work upon me so that I can speak of the gospel. " God will give you great blessings.



What is the meaning of my life?

Many people are "just living" their lives without any clear purpose. Some people even wonder "Am I supposed to be living like this?" when their dreams don't match their reality or their married life doesn't live up to their expectations. Many people live their lives thinking, "Do I really need to live like this?" There are even some people living day to day having given up on life thinking, "This must be my destiny." Some people live very diligently without any purpose. They give it their best but they cannot escape the sense of emptiness that comes upon them one day. On top of that, this is not a simple problem they can easily open up and discuss with others.

Some people try to escape from this problem by involving themselves in religion or finding a hobby. But because this deep, hidden problem cannot be resolved, the more time passes the more desperate they become. If you ask the question "Why is the reason you are living?" to the people in the field, you will see that there are too many people looking for the meaning of life.

The solution is simpler than you think. All you have to do is meet God. The way is Jesus Christ. If you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, your status changes and you are completely set free from the forces of darkness. However, if you don't solve this problem, you will live your life without any meaning or purpose. Putting aside the nonbelievers, there are many people who go to church who are wandering without any meaning in life.

The majority of the people think that believers are people who used to go to church but now don't or people who diligently live religious lives. However, there are too many churchgoers or believers who are living without the assurance of salvation. Therefore, people wander here and there not having found the truth. They try so hard to find the answer and some sort of consolation through religious living but they don't have the strength to overcome the failure that comes upon them one day. Of course, failure can come to anyone. However, the problem is that this is the kind of failure that breaks you down completely. Suddenly, one day, your spiritual state is completely devastated. There are too many people who hear the way of salvation after their lives have come to ruin.

One person entrusted his life to a shaman. Ultimately, he realized that this just wasn't it and came to know the gospel. We have even seen how the head of a conglomerate who once moved the financial world, came to fail miserably. An artist or an athlete can gain great success in one field. However, know the fact that the more you try and do your best without knowing the gospel, serious spiritual problems will come.

Before receiving grace, the majority of the people hide these kind of problems. The more important fact is that God allows these people to have many different experiences and then attaches someone who can relay the gospel to them. Remember the fact that Philip went to the Ethiopian eunuch under the guidance of the Holy Spirit (Acts 8:26-40). Therefore, the great commission of relaying the accurate gospel by the power of the Holy Spirit is upon us.

Mankind must meet God to enjoy the greatest happiness in life. The moment you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, before you know it, your status is changed to God's child and the forces of darkness that were driving you to suffering, curses and failure crumble. Finally, you come to believe the fact "Wow, God is with me". It is at this time you can enjoy true peace and joy.

Parents work hard to raise their children well, but it doesn't always go the way they planned. In one way, perfectionist parents who try to raise their children well, may end up ruining them. Their good intentions can be burdensome for the children and end up pushing them into going astray. When your spiritual state is not at peace, the more you try to unravel it with other methods the more it will not work. People who have not met God, live in this kind of state and then come to hear the gospel. This is the start of the second meeting.

You see, I haven't been blogging these past few days, (or am I just exaggerating I missed to post 2 entries ever since I started).

I actually got very busy in reading and studying my lesson for exams and quizzes. I'm somewhat happy since I think "I’m getting started" and that was what I like ever since school started. As what I've been writing in my past entries, I hope to be able to have that spark again that would encourage me to read and take my books seriously. I still don't know if I read just by force or because I have exams and quizzes that's why I need to cram and really study, or if not I'll fail. But probably, these include the reasons and I am hoping to really be passionate about my education continuously from this day on.

I haven't been reciting in my other and almost all of my classes and this bothers me a lot. I think I really need to enroll in Speechpower to enhance my speaking skills. I don't know why I am so afraid to air whatever is it in my head. I really need the guts to speak up, like how every other of my classmates does.

What has been giving me headache also this past week is Paul. I was borrowing from him a biopsy book by Pinel and he said he has one. And so, I started texting him and asking him when and where could we possibly meet so I can already get the book. He's been replying and saying, "tomorrow," and then tomorrow came and he said again "tomorrow." And then in the EVSEM of ANI I though he already had the book and when I waited for him until 7pm, I only found out that he still did not have the book.

I know I don't have the right to be angry or something but, it just intimidates me that he actually said he has one, yet it seemed, he doesn't really have. The book that he first lent me was the book that I saw with this classmate of mine in the same subject and who happens to be an ANI volunteer also, and it was the property of Steph, who was the President of Speed last school year. (get me?!) It was Tuesday that I got in from that girl in the ANI room and then Paul texted me at night saying he needs the book back to trade it with his book. Unfortunately, I don't have class on a Wednesday, so I have to go to school on that day just to return the book.

I was pissed off with myself since I could have bought the book. I think I have done these people harm.
Anyway, I know I don't have the right to say these and share with anyone since I'm the one asking for favor and I am on the wrong side, but at least I learned from the experience.

Still, what happened this week, is that Mom and Dad worried me because they did not text last last night. I got really paranoid that I was even afraid to text or call since there were already so many bad things that were going on in my damn bullshit head. So when I was supposed to study that night, I just slept so I could get the feeling of anxiety passed off in my whole system. I woke up early and still was worried since I've been ringing both my parents' phone yet, I couldn't contact them. What made me worried is that I or even all my sisters did not receive any text from them when in fact at night they were texting us, how everything was going. I know all of us got really wirried also, not just me. Krenf and I decided to call Mom through the landline, and fortunately she was the one who answeed the phone. She said her phone is low-batt. Dad on the other hand said that he wasn't able to text , since there wasn't a signal in Banaue because the cell site got, I don't know what happened but it's probably because of the strong typhoon.

Anyway, today, I have to go to school in the afternoon since juniors have to take the guidance test. I feel so lazy to go.

***
Dear Lord, I thank you for this day that you've given me and my family. Thank you for the past days. In whatever way, I also would like to thank you for making me so love each member of my family. May you truly bless each one. Forgive us, for all the shortcomings we've done against you. May you continue to pour your love in this family. Bless Mommy in Isabela, and whatever problems she encounters there may you be the one to help her. I pray for everyone, my friends and relatives, and those people who's helping us. I pray for this nation and the world. I ask this in Jesus' name, Amen.