believer in my Maker & Savior

I was early in school today. I went to get the CD I left last Saturday which I felt very responsible for. I only met with my groupmates forour report tomorrow in biopsychology.

Nothing much really happened today. I just alloted some of my time for the day to work and complete my service hours for the sem as required by my scholarship in Ateneo. I worked with Pathways and they asked me to arrange the books in their resource center and have them stamped too. The experience was fulfilling though tiring.

I am thankful that my parents arrived home safe and sound.

Thank you God for evrything. Forgive us our sins. Please always bless us. In Jesus' name, Amen.

I was late yesterday with the meeting I set at 9 am for our biopsyche report. I was almost an hour late yet I was only able to meet Olive and Margot. We didn’t really accomplish something. We decided we’ll just meet tomorrow morning, which is Monday.

The ANI volunteers’ ORSEM was overwhelming. There were a lot of people who came and the program was super fun. The core did a wonderful job since everyone really made their contributions. We really helped one another out.

I got home early since I felt so sleepy once more. Because I waited for my parents to leave for the province, I slept past 4 in the morning already the other day. I woke up lunch time today. I cooked for us, since we are only four who’s home.

When Kreng arrived home from the supermarket since she volunteered herself to buy the ingredients for our lunch, she was running and saying, “Ate Alot, I have something to tell you.” It’s actually just about how our cousin imitated what she said outside while talking to our neighbors.

Kreng has changed a lot. I am happy that now, she’s confident and assertive of how she expresses and carries herself. If she knows she’s right, she’ll fight for it. She’s someone so frank and straightforward that she’s not shy to talk back especially if she think she’s more right. She’s one brave girl. She is in a way like my other sister, Ate Alot. They are not afraid to talk and get out loud….not like me.

Not talking for me, is in a way positive and at the same time negative. I just know it’s more right to stay quiet and leave everything to God. I don’t want fights and all that stuff. I know that I’d be much happier and more peaceful if I feel I didn’t sin or committed any acts that would hurt other people. Actually lately, because I tried to talk a little and be loud, I didn’t realize that the words that came out of my mouth have actually hurt people. Sometimes, it’s hard actually to just express yourself and not think of what are you going to do or say first since you don’t screen your acts or words.

With all of these, I realized one thing about myself. I am probably overprotecting myself. I know it reaches out to others yet…I know not really. I just don’t understand…

Lord thank you for everything. I love you Lord, in Jesus' name , Amen.

Last night, I went home late because we had an ANI core meeting. We talked about tomorrow's big event which is the ANI volunteers' ORSEM. There's just a lot of things to do. I actually like the core now since everyone seems to be so creative (except me?..i realize i'm such a mediocre person). I actually admire them since they chose to make things the harder yet more fulfiiling way. Good thing, they seem to be influencing me and my thinking.

I got assigned to make the ANI calendar for the ORSEM kit. Since I was so tired and sleepy last night because of lack of sleep for the past few days in reviewing, I just asked my siblings to cut everything for me so I could just paste all that they did this morning. Luckily, Mom was there to help me out in having everything done.

I find it funny how Mom talks to me. I feel like she's just letting everything out and so I just encouraged her to talk. Mom is actually always like that to me. I know she knows she can talk to me about how she feels and what's on her mind and heart. We know that we can trust one another. She can just breathe out to me how bad she feels because she knows I'll understand. We both know the people, who from my siblings can we actually talk about certain things as feelings, since most of them are easily angered when they know someone in the family is hurt. They can curse, to the worst point!

Time is running fast for me this day. I woke up at 8, did some "pasting" for the ANI calendar, then went to the market with Mom (since she promised she'll help me out to paste). I was supposed to be in school at 11 (I prmised Ate Alex I'll do service hours in Pathways), but I got there at around 2 already. I didn't expect doing the calendar would take so much of my time.

In school, I went straight ahead to ANi room and surprisingly, Kuya Mike was supposed to interview me and viodeotape it for tomorrow. really, I wasn't that used to things like those. I think I did not do well on that.

I was not able to work in Pathways since I realized I'll still have to participate in an experiment I signed-up for (it's an extra points, anyway for mateo's class). Also, I will still have to look for journals for our fourth paper in experimental psychology. I think Kass has found my previous works okay, that's why she asked me to do the introduction part of our paper alone, this time. It makes me flattered yet, I know it's so much work, also!

My parents are leaving tomorrow for Isabela. Actually, ever since my brother Romel, told everyone that he dreamt of not just one in the family dying, I didn't want them to go anymore. I actually pity my family, since that is everone's dilemma, ever since Ron passed away. We are so afraid of the idea of death, coffins, and the like. But I know it would be unfair though if I actually try to get in the way so they won't leave anymore. It's more unfair to God since it's actually like saying, I don't trust Him anymore. I guess my family is so sick...okay I am sick!!!

Thank you God for this day, for everything and for everyone. May you guide Mommy and Daddy on their way to the provinve. Give them travelling mercy. Thank you God and I already entrust to you everything. I love you Lord, in Jesus' name, Amen.

I felt so tired yesterday that I just slept instead of review for my two long tests tomorrow. I think I overslept that's why I'm having headache now.

I'm so happy to receive this email from Sir Wellison Ty. I've been getting B plusses in his long tests in experimental psychology and finally I aced this fourth and final one.

HELLO!
I wish to inform everyone that the result of the fourth long exam is already posted in the files section of this yahoogroups, for your reference.

I also wish to congratulate the following students who performed
exceptionally well in this particular exam, they are:

Marj Balderas - 92% (A)
Erika Ang - 92% (A)
Liezl Torrefiel - 93% (A)
Paulo Agustin - 93% (A)
Kass Ong - 93% (A)
Kevin Leh - 94% (A)
EDMUND RUARO - a whopping 102% (A)!!!!!

I've been so stressed lately for receiving such low marks in theo and philo but this one is such a good good news for me. It just made my day.

Now, I will have to face still lots of pages to read for tomorrow's tests. I hope I get high marks too. I just know God is always there for me.

Thanks God for everything. Forgive us our sins. Guide and protect all of us. I love you Lord. In Jesus' name, Amen.

I slept quite late last night. I texted Ate Alex that I can come for the home visits in Payatas this morning. I was just so stupid of actually agreeing to go when in fact I haven't yet finished reading two long chapters for my experimental psychology long test tomorrow, I haven't done yet the poem for biopsyche and I haven't read anything yet from my reading assigments in theo and my all other subjects.

I was in school around 8 in the morning. I first photocopied stuff for ANI and posted the official list of accepted members in ANI board.

I then headed to the Pathways office to meet Ate Alex and some other people who will also be going to do home visits. We left the campus around 9 in the morning. I learned just this day that Payatas is so far from Ateneo. We had 5 long jeepney rides or so to get there.

Ate Alex was my partner in interviewing the parents and the Pathways kids. She let me talked to the participants while she talked to the parents on the one hand.

In the first place, I agreed on doing home visits because when I first experienced doing one, it was just so fulfilling. Home visits don't just expose me to the real real world but also they give me the sense of becoming more understanding of other people, and their situation. They just make me humble myself more and actually realize how blessed my family and I are. (This is despite the fact that I know it's my defense mechanism at work when I tend to compare and actually see that others are more unfortunate than I am. This world sucks!!!)

Anyway, I got to know three wonderful kids. They are Geraldine, Joy and Jocelyn. They were three shy girls in high school and I just saw myself in them when I was their age. (They were around 15, and I am 19.) I had fun talking to them and getting to know their lives.

The experience gave me new views in life, but then after we're done, I felt exhausted that my body didn't want to move anymore. It actually rained for a while so I felt so humid and so dirty. The feeling was not that good. I didn't want to think about the long ride on my way back to school and I didn't want to think of tomorrow and of the things that are to be done for school.

Afterwards I went to my high school, Quirino to give the letter of permission regarding the experiment we want to conduct among the fourth year high school students. Unfortunately, I was not able to talk to the teachers I came to look for, as well as the principal. I actually learned that we still need to get permission from the Division Office of Quezon City before we can actually conduct the experiment. It's such a hassle. I don't know how to tell Kass about this. Good thing, I was able to talk to the Pathways people and they said we can actually conduct our experiment among their participants. Yippee!!!


They are my truest friends from high school. I have other pictures but this is the onely one I have, scanned. I still have so many other friends from high school who are not in the picture. Above are Alistair, Cherielyn, Camille, Bernadine, Hebber and me.

Going back to Quirino just gave me so many memories of the past. I remembered all my friends and all my teachers. I remembered, all my successes and failures from there. I remembered how innocent and how afraid I was on the first day of school when I entered first year.  I remebered how shy I was. I remembered the friendships I formed, the laughters and tears I shared with my friends. Everything became so fresh. I realized, time is really running fast. It's as if, it's just yesterday when we all praticed for graduation every afternoon and actually marched with our parents. It seemed only yesterday when I joined the contests and actually won and sometimes lost.

Now, I see myself standing and talking to some of my past teachers. There's confidence in me but then I think I am still the shy Marjorie from this high school before. Being there just made me want to talk to all of the teachers and say hi to them, approach them and actually visit them one by one, but something in me was telling me I can't do it. Probably, I got afraid of the possibility that people might judge me. I am afraid to feel really bad. I have the confidence that I won't care no matter how others would see me, yet still I chickened out. I'll probably be the most brave person if in the future, I'll be able to really look for everyone I know in school and talk to them. Talking to people is just such a nice thing to do.

Thanks God for everything and for everyone. Forgive us our sins. I love you Lord, in Jesus' name, Amen.

I haven’t blogged for a while. There weren’t really that much that happened to me these past few days.

Last Friday, I woke up early to go to school since I thought I’ll be busy completing my service hours for the semester. I actually unofficially volunteered for the ACELT conference the whole day but since I didn’t feel a vibe with the people that I should have worked with, I decided that I won’t continue anymore. Although I planned to do service hours in other offices and though I wasn’t able to bring with me my service hour card, still I did not manage to look for an office that needed scholars’ help. I know it was so rude of me not to inform Ms.Vicky that I’ll be quitting, it’s just that I don’t think I could really help them since there were a lot of people in the Coneference. In fact, they were the ones who said that there weren’t really that much to do anyway.

I also planned to study for experimental psychology that day, but I just felt too lazy to stay in the cold and freezing library. I just went home and rested, watched TV and had merienda with Mommy and Nanang.

Yesterday, Saturday, was pretty fun. I asked Mommy to wake me up since I’ll be attending Saturday’s PEERS Phase 3.2Training this time. I had fun meeting new people from the organization. I got lucky, San-san treated us pizza since it was her birthday. I realized cream cheese doesn’t really taste that good. It tastes like mayonnaise for me.
As always, even though I only had a slice, I knew there were a lot of calories that I took in. It just made me sad since I haven’t been active for some time.

We had, mini counseling session during the training and it was a wow for me. Badz, one of the moderators acted as the patient and we were the ones who acted as counselors. He was a good actor actually. I received few positive comments about how I counsel and it just made my day. I learned that day that I will love to do counseling in the future.

Later in the day, I had a meeting with Miko about Alay ni Ignacio this time. She just asked me to do some things, and though I knew it was kinda tedious, I’ll still have to do them since I am the organization’s secretary. I can’t really complain since I my job doesn’t really require that much work as compared to the other core members who will be handling the classes on summer and will be doing lesson plans.

Miko shared about how Sabs cried during their meeting together with Abet. It was about Kuya Uri and how he was performing as the ANI principal. I don’t want to go further on this, since I don’t want to be too judgmental. All I know is that I feel for Miko, Sabs and Abet.

I just feel so tired and sleepy these past few days. This is why even though I know I have three upcoming long tests for this week, I still found time to actually sleep and watch TV. I just felt that my body needed that luxury. It happens just once in a while though. And actually, I work better under pressure. I am such a procrastinator.

I have a confession to make. Part of my grade for Cognitive Psychology this semester is to submit a paper on either behavioral modification or a research paper. I chose behavioral modification and I chose myself as my own subject. I just feel that I procrastinate and cram a lot so, I thought it would be good if I actually try to change that behavior. Unfortunately, I wasn’t doing something about it and I just plan to make things up for the paper. I just hope Miss Macapagal will not be able to read this. I’ll still try to be honest with what I am going to say in the paper, though.

Anyway, I had fun talking to Alistair and Edward last night. I just miss my high school friends so so so muchhhh.

I love Kass. She just worries a lot about our project and actuallt our future psychology subjects. But then, I still love this girl.

We planned to go to the cemetery today but Mom and Dad changed their minds. It’s been weeks since I last visited Ron there.

I was thinking this morning when I woke up if I would go to church or not. I decided I’ll just gonna study. I know something really has changed. Whereas before, every Sunday, waking up before 9 in the morning was an automatic and an involuntary response, that I didn’t have to think about going to church anymore, now Sunday became my enemy.

Sundays haunt me and make me just ask myself what’s been happening, I do have answers on my mind yet still I am not doing something about it. Sundays make me hate myself more. (Once again, I am sorry if I have to say I hate myself instead of love it). Sundays make me realize of my problems. It makes me realize of how my spiritual life is going, on how I am doing spiritually. I’ll say, I am not doing well not just spiritually but in all aspects. Sad ; (

But then despite of these, Sundays make me feel home. It makes me feel loved, cared for and it just feels good to actually see the whole family. It feels good to have lunch with everyone in the house. It feels good to actually joke around with my parents and siblings. It feels good to hear laughters in the house.

I just miss Ron. I just miss his cries, his laughters, everything about him . Dad, for the past few days has been crying in front of us and talking about Ron and how bad he feels about what happened. I know, part of him blames himself and I just want to make him realize that it’s all God’s plan.

Right now, my family just overwhelms and inspires me. They are the ones that keeps me going in the battles of this life.

I still have so many things to do. First thing, after I’m done doing computer works, I’ll take a long long and soothing bath.

Lord, thank you for this day, for everything and for everyone. Forgive me and my family of our sins. We entrust to you the future. Always bless us. I love you Lord, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

I was in a hurry when I left home for school since I only had 10 minutes to travel to catch up for the experiment I signed up for. Even though I know , I will get no incentive from going there, it's juts that I'm trying to do the things I committed to in the first place.

Right after the experiment, I headed to the theology department to get our memorial for tomorrow's debate about artificial contraception. Unfortunately, I was not able to get it since it wasn't in the envelope. I'm kinda worried about tomorrow. I'll be having 2 quizzes and the debate.

Afterwards, I went to the ACELT Office of the Ateneo to confirm of the service hours I'll be doing for Friday. Maam Vicky said I will have to go.

I went to the library next to do my paper in experimental psychology. I brought my laptop with me, so I had a hard time going from one place to another since I can't just leave it in one place.

Then, I met Nasty and Christa to discuss about tomorrow's debate.
We barely did a thing but it seems we really just have to prepare this night.

Then, I went to another experiment this time with Reianna. The experiment was fun since it's like an ESP thing. It was fast also. Still with Reianna, we went to get the letter/note my biopsychology groupmat, Chelly left for us in her locker. Then, we went to get a photocopy of the handout for biopsy since we'll be having a quiz tomorrow. I encouraged Reianna to sign-up for ANI, so because I will have to accompany her to the booth, I will have to stay there for a while to man it with Benjo.

Afterwards, I went back to the library to continue with the paper I was doing. Still, I am not finished with it at this point.

Lastly, around 5, I went to attend the PEERS phase training. I had three brief lectures about counseling. It was fun.

Then finally, I went home.
At last, I am home.
Thanks God for everything.

When I received the results for my theology and biological psychology tests, I felt pretty satisfied. I thank God for the scores that I got.

We got dismisssed early for our Philosophy class since we just had a short discusssion. I learned a lot from Sir's lesson today. It made me realize that truly, everyone is unique, that all of us have very different experiences in life. These experiences define us today and in the future. I learned that one should take into consideration where the person is coming from. His history should be taken into account to fully understand the person.

I just thought of the people specifically my relatives, who all the while are not talking to us. I thought, probably they think differently because they have experiences that are different from ours. But still, miscommunication and gossipping are just at work here that's why problems still continue.

I feel so sleepy this day, very much sleepy.

Ateneo lost over La Salle. Sad!

I had a small fight with Ate Alot this night. I just thought that she's being so defensive, that she still has to answer back my relatives' actions against us. I think it's totally wrong that she still has interest in minding them when in fact it's understandable that these people have nothing to do in life but gossip, gossip and gossip.

What happened made me realize of my being disrespectful of others' feelings. I always tend to shut people up whenever I think they're doing something wrong. I know in one point the act is right since I just want peace of mind for the person and the people around him/her and to keep him/her away from sinning. But then on another point, I am actually repressing his/her feelings.

So Ate Alot once again combatted me with the fact that I am a psychology major. I just hate it everytime she uses that argument. What's the point?

Thank you Lord for this day. Bless everyone. Take care of everybody. Forgive us all our sins. I love you Lord, in Jesus' name, Amen.

I did not think of school today. I gave myself a break and slept until 11 in the morning. My body needed rest and I just gave myself what I deserve.

Tomorrow, will be Tuesday again and the start of a hell week. I have no long tests for this week but then I will have to review for my upcoming tests the following weeks. In fact finals is also coming.

Maam Ana of the Office of Admission and Aid texted and was asking me to go to their office. I am totally clueless about what it is, but I decided I'll just go tomorrow morning. Sometimes, I just get frustrated when I come there since I still have to travel yet it's just a small thing, something not to be happy about actually, but sometimes it's actually a very very good news. I am hoping that when I come tomorrow, everything will be okay. i am really hoping that it's a positive one.

I only have one service hour...I still need 9 hours to complete before the semester ends. On Friday, I will have to get to work.

I feel full. I had a big bunch of merienda. This is what I hate about staying home. I am so much tempted of eating more than what I want to eat.

Since I decided not to go to school anymore, I planned to buy a new cellular phone today so I went to Cubao alone and canvass. When I got to bargain the 3200 phone for only 8500 pesos, I already bought it. I just gave myself a present.

Lord thank you for this day. Thank you for everything and for everyone. I love you Lord.

There are just too many things that I hate about myself.

First, I always have the tendency to hold my words back.
I hate having no confidence with what I have to say, with the words that are gonna come out  and with myself as a whole. It doesn't feel good when you have your own conscience telling you afterwards that you did not do your best and that I you could have done something else or have said something much better and more worthwhile.

As a psyche major, I diagnose myself as depressed.

I don't feel good about myself lately. I feel so tired that even though I give all my best to read my lessons, listen to my teachers, I still don't get high scores. Yes, I get pretty fair scores but I know I could do so much more better. I am so stressed thinking about how I do in this and that test and I am worried about how my final grades would appear in my class card at the end of the semester. Will I still make it to the Dean's list? I am really hoping so...

I just envy other people, that no matter how busy they are and no matter how little of their time they devote for their studies, still they get pretty high scores. I wish I am like them.

The problem with me is that I am so obsessive compulsive. I spend so much time reading and reading and taking notes that only little time is left for me to master what I have written down. I know it's a mistake but I don't know what is it with me that I can't continue without finishing the material that I have to read first, then only afterwards should I memorize everything. I am such a stupid girl...It's an irony that I want to improve my grades and I know what to do yet still I am not stepping up to solve the problem. I so much hate myslef.

Also, I hate being shy. Even though I was more shy than before, I just really like to totally get ot of my shell and be friendly with everyone, be loud at times and let my voice be heard.

I hate being so scared of expressing myself especially my emotions.
I love to say I love you to my Mommy and Daddy and to my brothers and sisters every second of the day. I can't because I am shy and that I am not used to it. I am scared of being judged that I am just joking around or something like that.

I am so scared also to talk to people who I am not in good terms with.
I would like to talk to my relatives who are actually not in good terms with the whole family, who just hate us with the reason I don't seem to understand. I would like to talk to them and say all the words I want to say. I want to know what the problem is really all about. I want to clear things out. I want to understand everything since it is so hard to move in this small world where you think some people are angry at you for a wrong reason. I want to hear them and let myself be heard. I want to cry because it doesn't fell good that we're relatives yet, we hate one another.

I also hate my being so afraid of commiting, to thing and to people. I think it's right when you think and you reason out that you are afraid to commit because you might just not be able to do it and stick to the promise you made, and you'll just feel frustrated in the end. But then, it is wrong to also say this because, when you don't commit at all, you are actually saying you're just lazy to do things because by all means you are all capable of doing things. The problem is just that you are so afraid that you won't have time to do it or rather you won't find time to do it.

I hate myself in saying and in making myself believe that I am such a spiritual person and that above everything else I prioritize God. I just hate it when the actions don't reflect the words and vice versa. I hate to say this, but it seems that my actions show that my family and my studies are more important than God. Of course I hate to know this fact. It's just so hard to live in this world. Sometimes, the world is the one dictating to you on what are the things that you are supposed to do.

Just like what I've been telling, when Ron died, I always worry about my family. Are they well, or what? Even though, I know that I should put everything in God's hands and leave it all up to him, still I worry because the world tells me to do so. This dangerous world is making my heart to keep on punding everytime someone in the family isn't home yet late at night.

The world dictates. Even though I know and most people know that money is not the most important thing, and that in the end when we die, God will not measure and look at my properties, still I study so later I  can have a good job that will make me earn and later support my family and  buy everything I want for them and for myself. I really find it hard to live in this world.

With all of thse, it's weird that I also realize that probably I am just too complicaplicated a person. That probbaly I am just overanalyzing things. That probably, I am being over critical about things, when in fact I shouldn't worry because some people who don't realize these things are probably much more comfortable in living their lives.

And so I hate my being so over critical about things.

Thank you God for this day. I love you Lord.

I slept around 2 am yesterday since my printer was not working. I had to print out our presentation for the conference.

I was so lazy to get up, my body didn't feel like moving at all, but then Mom was there again, doing her daily morning litanny.

The conference was actually fine. The people were great and I learned a lot from the sharing.

I was supposed to stay until 9pm today in school but then I just asked permission to Ate Alex so I could stay home. I just want to be with my family.

Sadly, Ateneo lost today over FEU. We're going up against La Salle for the best of three to determine which one will be the second placer. I am such a basketball fanatic! I just miss by brother who loves to play basketball.

Thank you and I love you Lord. Amen.

The whole morning, I was making the powerpoint presentation regarding ANI for tomorrow's conference. I'm kinda nervous, but then, I'm pretty confident since my partner is Edward who talks really well.

I was late in my meeting with Ate Alex in the Pathways Office. I left home 15 minutes before the meeting time and worse I still have to withdraw money from the ATM since I have nothing in my wallet and even worse, I got caught in the traffic along Aurora Blvrd.

After the meeting, I decided I would be attending the make-up session for the PEERS phase trainings. I do not regret about it since I met new people and actually share myself to others as well.

I knew I will not be able to make it in church for the youth Friday Night Gimmick today. I just hate it when I can't text people to inform that I won't be coming. Of course I have all the means to inform people but something inside makes me want not to communicate with the church people at this point in time. Something is really wrong with me..spirtually. I know!!!

Ate Icel bought a new phone. I want a new one also...

My being so worldly, of liking this and that, of buying this and buying that, makes me think of the future. This thought hinders me from getting what I really want since I am afraid that tomorrow we won't have something to eat since I gave in to the temptation of the short happiness of having something new. But then it makes me also think that if I don't buy now, I won't have it in the future, just because I want to save yet in fact, I am also slowly spending an amount or so from it.

Still...i am thinking of how I fared for my theology long exam. I am still keeping my fingers crossed.

Thank you Lord for this day. I love you.

I slept late last night. At the same time I was reviewing for my theology exam, I was also watching TV.

I woke up early and went to school early. I was supposed to be there by 730 since it's my shift in manning the ANI booth for the recruitment. So far, it's only 3 days since we've opened ANI for volunteers yet we already have 120 or so who signed up.

I think I did bad in my theo exam. I don't think I can work on and move on with my studying for this weekend since I'll just be thinking of how I fared in the exam.

I got to know today that I'll be out of the house from 8am to 9 pm this Saturday and half-day on Sunday. Together with Edward, we will be attending the PAthways NCR meeting to represent ANI.

I am so full but al least I am getting rid of carbs and trying my very best to move a lot.

I just love the stuff that Auntie Bellie sent for me.
I'm planning to buy a new cellphone but I'm still having second thoughts about it.

Thank you Lord for everything and for everyone.
I love you Lord, in Jesus' name, Amen.

I am supposed to go to school today and attend a phase training for PEERS but I don't feel like going. I missed last time's training too that's why I'm thinking of backing out of the organization. Thisis what I hate about myself, I lack so much commitment not just to things, beliefs but also to people and groups of people. I know I should do something about this. It's actually pulling down how I see myself.

I probably just stay home and study for my theology second long exam tomorrow.

They are my ANI friends. I miss some of them since they already graduated in college.
 

I am so happy I already got my grade for my expepsyche paper, which I alone did since my partner Cookie did not contribute in the write-up. Also, my groups was one of the highest in the final paper and the proposal defense.

But then, I got so amnesic awhile ago with my cognitive psycholology long test. I think I missed a lot of points.

Today is Odong's birthday, we had chicken and veggies for dinner and I am so full. I think I'm bloating again, that's why I need to go back to a heavy protein diet and an extensive exercise program for myself. I am feeling so heavy and I just hate the feeling.
I am so happy with what I am doing and contributing to ANI thsi year.
For my philosophy Christ, myteacher allowed us to watch a porn film. I didn't enjoy it.

Thanks God for everything.

I cried so terribly this morning while I was taking a bath. I probably was just in a bad mood since I felt that I lack so much sleep.Actually I feel that Mom is playing favoritism among her children. Every morning, all of us except Ate Icel would be scolded because we're waking up late, and that we have to adjust because at around 630, it should be Ate Icel taking a bath already. I just hate it also when Mom is leaving my other siblings something to eat except me.

This is why I decided that since I'll be going to school today because I have to help in recruiting volunteers for Alay Ni Ignacio, I'll just gonna study in the library whole day for tomorrow's cognitive psychology exam.

Actually, I realize that it's better to satudy in the lib than at home. I get to actually almost finish what I have to, in just few hours. I left home this morning without, feeling of anger to Mom. She's still my Mom and probably, her reason is that I understand and can understand.

Sorry mom...

I had my hair straightened...that's all.

My group for the experimental psychology class tomorrow will have our proposal defense for our experiment. I still don't know what my part is and I am kinda worried if I could speak up if ever the panel asks me a question.

I went to buy a pink formal top with my Mom and Kreng for tomorrow.
I still have a problem for our theo paper. I don't know what to do and even how to start it.

I just don't know why I suddenly stooped having an online prayer. I'm so much bothered with how my spiritual life is going. I just hate me today. I am such a lazy gal.

I emailed her and here's how it went, and her reply and my reply to her reply...hehehe:
i am too lazy, this is my way of sharing what's been happening to me and my family.
***
hi ate michelle,
i feel so stressed lately because of the long exams, readings and other school stuff to attend to like my organizations etc...anyway, since school started, i didn't teach anymore. i could have continued but i felt that my studies would be sacrificed and probably because i felt i wouldn't really get myself to love what i am doing at that time.

si ate alot, okay naman siya. i think she's desperate to get a job. minsan naaawa nga ako sa kanya, i don't know how it exactly feels. but then, i know she knows that she's more at peace when home because she's with mommy, nababantayan niya. pero, hindi naman puwede na forever ganon. i think we should all move on with what happened.

naku, mahirap na maghanap ng trabaho diyan?

about lola upeng, i think she last confronted mommy (i wasn't there) when she said she wanted to bring back the past, where all of us talk etcetera etcetera. ate alot was there and she asked kung may sama ng loob pa ba si mommy at ate alot sa kanya(since they were the only ones there). sabi ni mommy wala na, but ate alot said talagang masama loob niya. so nagalit na siya.
i just thought at that time, it is right to forgive and that we should forgive, but then at times, we should first let the person suffer the consequences of her actions, so she'll learn. i don't think she even thought that it's her mistake. i think time will only tell, but i guess for all of us, the wounds are still fresh.

i really couldn't just understand, how at her age, she still could get so sakim with material things? she's so old na, diba dapat, she's in the stage of being good and finding true happiness in life. sometimes naman, i think, she's doing it for her children and her grandchildren. she could have done things her own way, without hurting others sana. i just feel bad na rin for her, na i know she's finding peace yet she can't have it.

enough of lola.

si kreng naman, okay lang. nag-aaral din. i'll tell her to email you some time. si ate icel, ayun, sila pa rin ng boyfriend niya, going stronger. did you know that her boyfriend is tall? sa city hall pa rin siya nagtratrabaho.si daddy, okay lang naman siya. but i know it is hardest for him. what's hard is that yun memories niya of ron is yun mawawala na siya.

si kuya jojo, he sleeps once in a while sa bahay. you probably didn't know the issue also, that it was lola upeng i think who wanted kuya jojo out of the house (auntie bibing's place), and also of course si auntie bing na rin, since kuya butoy, the son of auntie bing, already arrived home from korea. well, tapos na naman yun studies niya, so okay na lang din sa kanya.

odong's birthday is still onm september 9. one more thing about him; he's having a baby. her girlfriend is i guess 5 months pregnant now. actually, he said it to me during ron's wake, but i did not believe him. then, he texted about 2 to 3 months ago, that he's really having one and that he didn't know what to do, that he couldn't sleep at night, that he didn't know how to tell my parents about it, etc. sobrang naawa ako sa kanya, i talked to him and i know he wanted to baby.

for a while, we kept it as a secret to mommy and daddy, but thank God, i guess a month ago, we finally had the courage to tell everything. of course at first they were angry, but then, siyempre, ano pa nbga ba ang magagawa nila kung hindi tanggapin na lang ang nangyari. so now, he's working and his salary goes to her girlfriend everytime for her check-ups medicine etc. he still stays in the house and the girl stays in their house pa ngayon. last last week i guess, we (Mommy, Odong, Ate ICel and I) went to the girl's house and talked to her Mom, It went fine naman.

i don't know of their exact plans, but i guess their planning to rent a house after the baby is born. the girl is also planning to work abroad after. i really wish everything will be fine and that the baby is healthy. ....hehehe.. i am actually excited to see the baby, my first pamangkin.


o sige ate michelle, next time ulit ha!
thanks for always being here. take care of yourself always.

love
marjorie

***
I was just about to send you an e-mail to see how things are going. Are you still tutoring? How many kids do you tutor now? I know that college gets harder every year. But I have every confidence in you that you will persevere. You always do. You have a good head on your shoulders.

Just like here, it seems to me that it is getting difficult to find a job. How's Alot taking it? Is she bored? Or she really does not have the time to get bored for she helps out with the housework? I am glad that at the moment she is keeping your mother company. Not just for moral support in case of another confrontation with Lola Upeng, but to also keep her from being lonely. It is good for your mother's soul.

By the way, has there been another confrontation with Lola Upeng? Some people just do not have any manners. For one, should she not be grateful to you for letting her use "your" room to live in? She is probably not paying rent either. So, she gets to live in your house rent free, and she has the audacity to want more? The nerve of some people!

I have not heard from Kreng in awhile. How is she doing? And Maricel? Is she getting married any time soon? How about Jojo? Does he still live in Project 3 during the week? And your father? Has he moved on?

My mother is supposed to visit me for my birthday next month. I cannot wait to show her around and just to spend some time with her. I will probably ask her to prepare meals for me. As you know, I do not cook.

Anyway, give my regards to everyone and a Happy Birthday to Udong. His birthday is tomorrow, right?

Love,
Me
-------------- Original message from Marjorie Balderas : --------------
hi ate michelle,
Kamusta ka na? Si kuya mark? Sorry ha, kung hindi ako nakaka-email. nasira rin kasi ang internet connection dito sa bahay.

Kami naman dito okay lang. Medyo nahihirapahan ako sa pag-aaral dahil ang dami ng readings, pero kinakaya ko naman.

Sina kreng, ate alot at ate icel okay lang din. Si ate alot, hindi pa rin nakakahanap ng trabaho. Pero, sa ngayon mabuti na rin yun para may-kasa kasama si mommy dito sa bahay kapag weekday mornings. Malungkot kasi si Mommy kapag walang kausap. Nakakatakot din, kapag iconfront na naman siya ni Lola Upeng.

huwag ka mag-alala sa amin ha. Lagi kang mag-iingat. Alagaan mo sarili mo, okay?

God bless.

Love
Marjorie