believer in my Maker & Savior

These past few days have been very stressful for me since I was all the time thinking of my grades and how I did last semester. I really think I did bad in most of my subjects including theology, philosophy and biopsychology.  It’s so stressful to be thinking of how low my QPI has flunked from that of an average that even made to the Dean’s List. I know that grades are not really that important but then we cannot deny sometimes that figures or numbers do define people. I know that I’ll upset myself because I failed to maintain what I want to get but even more I’ll upset myself because I’ll be frustrating others too, like my family most especially my parents and probably Mr. Mercado and Maam Jolly of the Office of Admission and Aid, and probably my friends from school who always believed in me and what I can do.

Tomorrow will be the judgment day and I feel so anxious and so nervous. I don’t know how I am to react if I get low letter grades. I feel so bad now, especially because I’m feeling this way, when in fact others might be happy already with low grades as long as they pass. In trying to examine myself and tracing the reason why I’m feeling this way, I just think that it’s all because of the fear of others accepting this negatively. But then, I know that these people wouldn’t really say bad things about me but I know they will be more accepting and understanding and will actually say it’s okay and that I can still do better next time. Probably, it’s just my problem about getting used at being in the Dean’s List.

It’s always been my problem to adapt to something new that has happened or there will be changes that can occur. It’s hard when you’re not even ready when something is to happen because it will be much harder to accept it…especially death.

I don’t want to think that I’m feeling spiritually down because of my youngest brother’s death but it really seemed like it. It hurts me everytime I remember Ron and the things I’ve done with him that probably I could be doing with him at this point in time. It hurts me when I feel that I caused him so much pain and I was sometimes harsh in treating him when he had his tantrums. It hurts me when I realize that I was never been so understanding of him. It hurts me when I think of my dreams for him and our little promises that he’ll do great in grade 6 and join Gabay so he could study in Ateneo High School. When I remember how Mom would actually remind me that I’ll be the one to send Ron to College, it hurts and it’s just so painful when it could never happen anymore. It did not make me happy just because one load of an obligation had been taken out of my shoulder.

Months have passed yet it still hurts. Though I can say I already accepted it and that it’s God’s will it will still come to me that everythings’ really an accident and that it is someone else’s fault. Life is just so so unfair. It hurts me when I see movies whose characters are drowning. I hate seeing bodies of water sometimes because they remind me of the difficulties Ron experienced under the water. If I could just have one wish now probably it would be to change Ron’s fate. I really don’t want any member of my family or even my loved ones to be feeling pain…that’s why before I go to sleep I always pray to God that if something bad is gonna happen to any of the member of my family, I would like to experience them rather than them experiencing these bad things. 

But then, sometimes I feel that not letting my loved ones experience pain would be much harder and it will be a burden for me to comfort them when times come that I could not attend to them and experience for them the pain and all the hardships in life. This is not masochism I guess but it’s just that it’s really just painful when you see your loved one’s hurting and not coping. But then I feel sometimes too that probably I don’t really love my family because sacrifice is not love and love is not all about sacrifice.

Now I know how Mom feels when she think she’s been doing everything inside the house yet receiving no appreciation and complements and actually no thank yous and I love yous and when no one’s worrying about how you feel. Mo has really really really sacrificed a lot for this family yet she has taught my brothers that it’s okay not to work and help in the household chores. She’s taught us that it’s just okay to watch even though there are people in the family who needs help in cooking or doing the laundry.  Now that Mommyis not home, i'm feeling the same way when i don't let my siblings help me sometimes with the household work.

I am a very confused person.
Lord thanks for everything and forgive me for evrything.

At last, first semester is over. I've been waiting for this day even before the semester started. Junior year is really hard. I just cannot imagine how harder second semester would be and also my last two semesters for my senior year.

The past few days have been draining. Really been draining…school was really draining and drying.

October 8. Friday. I went to school even though I was supposed to stay home to attend the review session Miss Mateo was gonna hold for our biological psychology. I found Miss Mateo so kind and so sweet and so patient and so passionate about what she was doing. I really like her personality but I still found myself unlucky that I was able to get her as my teacher in a so-technical subject as biopsy who gave us 8 exams, so many quizzes and many projects for the semester for her subject. This is because I learned from Kass that they only had 2 long exams and they did not even have finals. But then, there was still a good side about having too many requirements. I knew that I worked hard and actually learned from the course. Biological psychology was the first book that I was able to read from cover to cover (that also I was able to take notes from). Later in the afternoon, I fetched Jackie in the 3^rd floor of the library since she invited me for a merienda treat. It was fun being with her. She let me see her plants up in the SEC building and I really loved the pots with the different colored plastics in them. Jackie is such a friend. I knew she wanted to share so many things with me yet I know there were still apprehensions. I knew there were too many fears in her heart and there were some she actually already let out. 

October  9. Saturday. I remember, I did not sleep since Kass assigned me to do the powerpoint presentation for our experimental psychology laborator y final paper. I downloaded mIrc and hid it from the computer because I didn't want Kreng to be chatting and be addictive to it. (I got addicted to it when I was in high school and it was not productive at all). I decided to chat because I just feel like chatting, that's just it. I got sick the next day because I didn't have sleep yet I took a bath, that early morning. The presentation went well and I was hoping that our group would actually receive the best experiment award for our class. (I'm keeping my fingers crossed). Later in the day, I felt bad since i could not set my mood to study for the finals week. (As always)

October  10. Sunday. I woke up late and later in the morning I found myself almost crying in pain because of dysminorrhea (not sure if I spelled it right?!). It's really hard to deal with a monthly visitor like menstruation. It seemed that my threshold of pain was being tested these past few days (also my toothache). My high school friends arrived and visited me but then because I was really in pain, I asked Mom to tell a lie and say that I was actually sleeping. I was glad Naika was there to “entertain” them. Well, both of us actually were the ones that they were looking for so, it's not so much of a burden for me not to face them at that time. We decided to visit Ron at the cemetery since it's been weeks that we were not able to do so. It's so much fun to be with the family there, at least we feel that we're still with Ron. The funny thing is that we were able to find a small store inside the cemetery so we were able to buy some food for merienda. Really fun!!! We drank coke in plastic containers and straw. I was not able to go to church again even though I feel that I have too since I needed to really pray for the finals week. But then, I really didn't want to force myself. I felt bad once more. I barely studied for Monday's final tests in theology and cognitive psychology. I didn't know what was with me. I just hate feeling so lazy when I should not and was not allowed to feel so …but I can’t really force my own body. As II learned in philosophy, we are limited because of our bodies…but then it’s just again one defense mechanism.

October 11.Monday. Haha…not a funny day at all. I was very scared because I knew I haven’t mastered the coverage for theology finals. I knew I have to do well in the finals because my class standing was a D. I just hated the feeling of worriness because there was a big possibility that I was gonna fail the course. But then, I found the test not as hard as I thought it would be, but the thing was I also had this same kind of feeling towards his past long exams and still I found my scores really struggling to reach even a C. I was just hoping that this time my answers were right and that Father Reyes will be so much considerate in grading the subjective part of the exam. After the theology finals, I convinced Christa to take the optional cognitive psychology finals with me in the psychology department. The finals was a win-win thing for us, because it’s cancel the lowest grading system for this subject. I found the test hard and I was just hoping I would still cancel my score for the last long test. I really sucked during that last long test. I only got a C+ and it actually deviated from the B plusses I’ve been getting for all of my long tests. I was hoping that at least I can get a b for this one.

October  12. Tuesday. I still didn’t feel very much reviewed for my experimental psychology finals, much more with the optional biological psychology pre-final exam. I felt I did not do well in both tests and I hate the feeling of not being able to pull it all off well. You probably know the feeling when you think you could get a much better grade just if you studied well for it because you have all the time in this world to study. What made my day was the grade I received in my cognitive psychology paper regarding procrastination. I can’t believe it that I still got an A even though all that were written in the paper were all lies and that I rushed the paper in a day. I remember that Thursday afternoon when I was really worried about not finishing the paper. I also had a long test in biological psychology that day and so I just brought with me my laptop so I could at least finish my final paper. I was able to reach 14 pages (double spaced) for all the content including appendices and references so I was quite contented with the story I all made up.  (I’ll be sharing the paper in my next blogs…funny that it was a crammed paper about overcoming procrastination…really an irony.) That day I only had 20 bucks in my pocket and was not after all worried because there were 3 ATM machines in school and I could just withdraw money anytime I wanted. The twist was that, 20 bucks would not be enough to pay for printing my paper in school and all the 3 machines were not dispensing money probably because the line//switch to my bank was off. So glad my Rhea, my former blockmate was in the tambayan so I was able to borrow an amount from her. I’ve been going back in forth in the department to check if my paper was well written and to find out it was not was hard since I would still have to print again some pages. I didn’t have a choice but to go to the ANI room and look for people whom I could borrow some money from. Luckily, there was one kind Jacky in the room who let me borrow 21 pesos. Going back with my paper, I felt so conscientious about the grade I received since there were some who really performed an experiment, did extensive surveys research and really went through a modification program with themselves or with their pets and yet there were not able to get high marks. It’s an irony that what made my day, also made me feel bad…am I bad? My answer is YES, since I could not answer I am good.

October  13. Wednesday. This is an oh-my-God day or probably more correct to say judgment day. I just thanked God that I was able to still rush the synthesis that I was supposed to memorize for philosophy finals. I didn’t know if I did well in the finals. I had the chance to see my grade since Sir Jope posted the results in his pigeonhole I didn’t want to. Yeah right…I was running away from the truth, but it’s just that I just want my class card instead. I’m negative about it though but to get over with the orals was such a BIG BIG relief.

October  14. Thursday. Mom left for the rpovince and tomorrow Dad will be leaving for Baguio. I left the house super early since I was supposed to be in olive’s place before 6 in the morning. It was funny how so forgetful Olive can get. Margot, Ana and I were already in the car waiting for her but to find out that she was not in her unit in the 9^th floor of Prince David really sucked. Margot was forced to fetch her in the 16^th floor and funny that she was still sleeping. Luckily, we still arrived in Sta. Elena High School early. Our report went well and the high school students were really behaved and were respectful. (Oh..how I miss my high school days). Margot drove us back in Ateneo and with Kimy and Ana, I ate brunch in the cafeteria. I feel bad I was not able to finish the food I bought. I let Kimy finish it though. After, we went to the library to study for our biological psychology finals. This is actually my last day for the sem and biopsy was my last final exa,. The test was pretty easy. At the back of the testing room, I caught some people cheating including Iselle…so sad they still have to cheat.

October 15. Friday. I was not expecting that Chicks and I will be in the same jeepney going to the City Hall. I didn’t know where he was going and I didn’t know either where I was going. Unluckily, we didn’t really see each other face to face since he was seated in front. But it just made my day. I got so adventurous looking for BPI west Avenue to purchase a non-immigrant US visa application form. I got proud of myself when I found that branch of the bank and still found my way home. I treated myself with a cute cellphone casing.

October  16. Saturday.  I feel tired. Ate Alot left home with some clothes and we don't know where she went. She put off a fight with my sister and I'm really worried about her. (I hope my parents are around...) In times like these..I become so speechless. I just don’t feel like saying anything since it involves the family.

October  17. Sunday. I just have too much to worry inside the house since both of my parents were not around. Ate A lot was still not home and her boyfriend Kuya Christian said that he’ll be seeing her still 2 in the afternoon. I learned that my sister went to Antipolo to sleep with a girl friend. Alma passed by and we just watched until Dad arrived home and also Ate A lot. Really, finding everyone in the family home just makes me happy….thank God. But still I was not able to go to church. I just miss all my friends from church.

October  18. Monday. I had some cleaning done in the house. It was Cherielyn’s birthday and so my high school friends went by so we could all go in her place all at once. I really miss their company and to have them in the house every time just makes me feel happy and always smiling. We went in Bernadine’s house and waited for Cherielyn there. We had some black forest cake from Goldilocks. Alma and Cherielyn passed by the house to eat some rice meal for dinner. I think they liked the chop suey that I cooked.

October  19. Tuesday. I was able to schedule my interview for US tourist visa application form on December 13. I felt kinda excited. During this span of time, I really want to examine myself and examine my intentions. I wish I’ll really pass the interview. I just lift everything to God now. (booking number L130830331B)

October  20. Wednesday. I stayed home and cleaned and cooked and did the laundry. I felt I was like a superwoman who can do all these stuff, all in one day. It’s a nice feeling. It’s like a total body workout for me.

October  21. Thursday. I cleaned once more and really perspire myself and did just anything inside the house. Ate Joy went but then instead of holding a bible study, we just had a prayer time. She also answered some of my questions regarding how I’m feeling and my thoughts about church, religion and spirituality. Late in the night, Alma came over and  brought be many bananas. (I hate bananas, but of course I still thanked her.) We watched all night long and did some crazy stuff. She’s such a brave girl and still went home even though it’s still 1 in the morning.

October 22. Friday. I went with Ate A lot in Divisoria. She asked me to accompany her buy some cloth for her uniform. We also bought a memorial tent for the coming celebration of the souls. I miss Ron, I terribly do miss my brother. There was never a night before I go to sleep that I did not think of him. There were still questions in me that remain unanswered.

Today. October 23. Saturday. I slept late last night to post these entries here in my blog and I was quite disappointed when I found out the the tblog site was down. I just checked my mail, opened my friendster account and chatted. I woke up lunch time and now I am still sleepy and my body feels like lying down. My whole body feels so tired probably because of all the walking we did yesterday in Divisoria and Cubao. I was happy when my siblings all praised the viand I cooked for them for dinner yesterday…they said my afritada was good. It made my day.

..be back here after finals.
i'll do my best for this last chance for me...
i just know God is there

Ron...forgive me
Lord...forgive me
To the ones I hurt...forgive me
...for I have sinned

busy
need sleep
tired
unhappy yet happy
dizzy
need money
unhappy yet happy