believer in my Maker & Savior

I didn’t do anything over the weekend. I feel so sad that what I planned didn’t work out right. I didn’t get to do anything at all as planned.

For the past three days I’ve been struggling to read my psychological testing book. Also, I haven’t started yet with the experiential learning paper for industrial psychology due on Tuesday. Still, I wasn’t able to do my resume for my application for the placement office representative and the one for the scholarship stipend award. I really suck…

Mom left for Isabela last Saturday with Nanang and Auntie Mimay. It’s sad that she was not able to visit Ron in the memorial park. I think, she last visited him on October, before she left for Isabela that month for the harvest.

Today is a special day, a very special one. Ron-ron, is supposed to turn 11 years old today, if he didn’t die. We’re supposed to be celebrating today. There’s supposed to be a party today. I hope, I can wish him today, “Ron, may you have a longer life.”

It would be unfair to Ron if I say everything has changed the day he died. We’re lonelier today. We feel so incomplete. My family could have been happier if he’s with us today and laughing with us. It would be much more okay if we hear him crying now or complaining about the food that we serve him. It would be much okay if he’s here to celebrate his birthday.

Today, the family went to the memorial park. We bought small balloons and flowers. It feels sad over there. But I’m glad we could still greet him a happy birthday. We can still sing happy birthday to him and wish things for him.

We decided to cook pasta for his birthday today. We know if he’s alive today, he’d be having a small party and he’d be inviting his friends in the neighborhood. He’d be asking us to cook spaghetti and not something else. Kuya Christian also bought a roll of cake. On his birthdays, he would always have cakes. We were not able to give him party every year, but we would always prepare special food even just for a small family gathering.

I saw Dad was so sad today and he seems to be so disturbed. He didn’t pay attention to the things that we said awhile ago and he didn’t know that we were telling him something. When I asked him, he said that he was thinking of Ron-ron and that while on the car, Ron-ron was talking to him and calling his name and saying that he’s okay wherever he is and that he’s happy. I really feel bad for Dad. I know in one way or another he’s blaming himself for what happened. But I am just so glad for this family because never did we make him feel guilty nor did we blame him for the accident.

I feel bad, I was not able to go to church today.

Tomorrow, I will have to work harder because I have deadlines to meet for school. Im hoping I wont feel lazy to read and study.

Lord, thank you for thi special day. May you give each one in the family the strength to live each day withour Ron. We love you Lord and may you reamin faithful and forgive us our shortcomings. In Jesus' name, we pray Amen.

I feel tired from yesterday and today. For this week, I have four papers due for four different subjects.

I had series of four cognitive and intelligence tests yesterday for my psychological testing class and it was just so exhausting. Right after my four-hour laboratory class, I had two films to watch. After class, I also had to go to the Census so I could get an authenticated birth certificate.

Today, I had my guidance interview with Ms. Ailen Jimenez. It was fun yet the only thing was that it brought back sad memories. I had a yummy lunch today with Kass. This is the first time that I felt satisfied with school food...thanks to Ama Mall.

I ought to work on now with my paper due tomorow. Good luck to me.
Thanks God for everything. I love you Lord.

I have been getting lazy to open the computer lately so I just made my daily blogs in my laptop. 

Thursday, October 28, 2004
     The usual things happened. Sometimes, I just feel so tired thinking of things and making myself busy. I think of the same things over and over again and yet I don’t seem to get tired of them. I know it sucks when you have problems and you just think of them and you don’t do something about them.
     I was so glad that Cherielyn, Kurt and Alma came. Cherielyn brought her badminton set and we alternated on playing on the street even though it’s already late. Then, we watched “For Love or Money Three” until 11 in the evening.
     I just feel that everytime they come, I am in a different world. I thank them for making me do other things aside from studying and moving around the house just doing anything or simply watching. My high school friends are really the ones that I would treasure the most. I know that they will always be there no matter what. Thank you God for them.

Friday, October 29, 2004

     It’s my registration day for the second semester of this school year. I didn’t have to wake up early because I already had my registration form “OAA stamped” yesterday. (Niko was so generous). Registration days always make me feel blessed because I don’t have to bring money for tuition to be enrolled. All I need to bring is my ID, my registration form and myself. I don’t even have to line up for long hours in the cashier because there’s a separate line for scholars. I feel thankful especially to God for making me experience the things that before were just my wildest dreams. I will always thank God for bringing generous people like Mr. Mercado who have hearts so compassionate to the needy. Sometimes, it’s incomprehensible and so much overwhelming to deserve the blessings I am receiving.

     My random number for registration was 275. Actually, I was already lucky with this number since before I was getting random numbers as 300 or 400 plus. But then, I still wasn’t able to get all the classes I wanted. The history class that I wanted was already closed when it was already my turn to enlist. I had no choice but to get an MWF class. There were some history classes of the same schedule as I wanted but then I heard from the others the teachers from those classes were not that good and actually were not fair in giving grades. And so, I have to go to school 5 days every week again each time. Here’s my schedule for this semester.
Mondays: 830-1230 - Psy 109.2 Psychological Testing Laboratory

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp; 1230-130 - History 165 Rizal and the Emergence of Philippine Nation

Tuesdays/Thursdays – 12-130 – Psy109.1 Psychological testing Lecture

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;  3-430    & nbsp;    - Psy108 Social psychology

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;  430-6    & nbsp;    - Ph102 Philosophy of Human Person II

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;  6-730    & nbsp;    - Psy 110 Industrial Organizational Psychology

I met some of my friends in school and I had short chats with them. We were all feeling excited to finish the semester because by next school year, we will already be in our fourth and final year in college.
I really pray that God will be there to guide me all the way.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

   It’s my last day to work for the OAA as their registration committee for this semester. The six days I’ve been with new friends were really fun. Niko, Ate Eng, Kuya Rusty, Paola, Kathy, Gerd and Kristine were my newfound OAA co-scholars. Niko was really funny and he just kept all of us laughing most of the time. He was so accommodating and I just felt that he was so kind and such a really nice person. All of them were great.

   The past six days have also been fattening. We were provided 3 free meals each day and then all we have to do is actually sit the whole day and wait for scholars who would approach us. So everytime I got home, I felt the need to move around and move a lot so to burn calories.

   I almost forgot that I promised my brothers Odong and Romell that I would prepare them sandwiches that they would bring to the memorial park. So I needed to buy loaves of tasty bread and some ingredients for my own-home made tuna spread. I really had fun doing the buying and preparing of the sandwiches. I can say that my secret that’s why I enjoy everything I do is that I do everything with love. That’s I realized when it comes to things like cooking. The meal would taste really good when in the first place you want to cook and you do it with love because you’re preparing it for the people you love.

   I went with Dad to bring all the guys in Himlayang Pilipino for an overnight stay in Ron-ron and Inang’s graves. We waited for the tent we bought to be arranged before we left and we made sure that everything will be alright and that all of them would behave. 

    On our way home I just hate the silence inside the Revo. I knew that Dad was also thinking about Ron. It just hurts that from this point forward, everytime this season of the “dead” comes, we will be going to the memorial park and visiting him.

   I never really expected that Ron would pass away just after 5 months when Inang, my beloved grandmother died. It just hurtsSunday, October 31, 2004

   I did not have enough sleep because I was thinking of the boys (my brothers and their friends) most of time who were already in the cemetery. It’s just that I didn’t trust them when it comes to behaving well since Odong and Romell were with their barkada. I was just glad that Marianne, Odong girlfriend was replying with my texts once in a while so to make sure that they were still doing good there. 

    Also, I had to wake up early because I needed to buy the ingredients for the menu I will be preparing and cooking to be brought to the memorial park. I went with Ate A lot and we decided that we would bring spaghetti, adobo, igado and rice in Himlayan for all of us including the ones who were already there.

     I got so tired since I was the only one in the house who can cook. I prepared all the food and I was surprised that I actually made a lot of spaghetti. That’s the problem with me sometimes. I always have the tendency to cook more.
     Anyway though, I think they all liked how the spaghetti tasted so everything I cooked was eaten. I was just worried because if ever we have a lot of leftovers, the food might be wasted since our refrigerator was not working
     Just like the yesterday, going to the memorial park did not at all make me happy. I hate the fact that I’m visiting my youngest brother…now dead. I knew that all of my siblings felt the same way. We were having fun yet since there were a lot of us staying late with Ron and Inang in the place but our hearts were still grieving.
     Too bad that Dad was drunk so we left the place early at around 830 in the evening.

Monday, November 1, 2004

     I had a hangover from yesterday. I felt so tired and so exhausted from doing all the work inside the house and the memorial park. I just felt the need to really rest so the whole day, I just watched TV.
     I felt bad after the end of the day because Ate A lot and Ate Icel fought over the laundry place.

     Dad asked me to clean the car. I cleaned it with Ate Alot and Kuya Christian though.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

     Ate Alot washed some of the clothes yesterday and said that she’ll be continue washing today but she left home. I could not do something about it since I didn’t want Mom to be doing the laundry as soon as she arrived here in Manila. And so, I had no choice but to wash all the remaining dirty clothes, after all there’s just a basket of them.
     In the middle of what I am doing, I did not expect that Alma would arrive and would come to visit. She said that she has nothing to do at home so she decided to pass by. She actually wanted me to come with her so I could make her a new friendster account. I did come with her at the nearest computer shop after I finished washing clothes. She actually helped me hang the wet clothes.
     I got to know from Mom this morning that she would be leaving the province still on Thursday and that only Auntie Mimay and Auntie Ditch would arrive home this night. I just miss Mom.
     I was not excited to attend school tomorrow. I am not yet in the right condition to attend classes, meet my teachers and face a lot of readings for the semester. 

Wednesday, November 3, 2004
     Classes began. I only had a class for this day and that is History 165. I only had class for 10 minutes since Miss Habana, just checked attendance. There were a lot of familiar people from the class but I only have Jess and Christa as my blockmates from the same class.
     I found my teacher interesting…but I’d always hate going to just one class every Wednesday and Friday.
     I met with Rhea and some other SocSci people from their tambayan and had some little chat with them.
     I headed to AliMall afterwards and brought some stuff for vanity and some school stuff.
     Later in the evening, Auntie Mimay and Auntie Ditch arrive home from Isabela.

Auntie Mimay is such a cool person. She took care of us when we were still small kids in the province and now that she’s here, I want her to enjoy her stay. I know that it’s hard for someone her age (70+) to be away from her family.

Thursday, November 4, 2004
     I was still not in the condition to go to school. I still feel lazy. I had class from 12-730 in the evening and it was just so tiring.
     I met all of my teachers today and they were all really interesting, also the courses but except for this one subject I would always dread to take, Philosophy.
     I could have made it to the Dean’s List last sem if not of my grades in Philo and Theo. They just make me feel sick.
     I got home late because we had our ANI meeting. I was starting to hate the late dismissal of our meetings. It’s hard for my situation since I only commute.

     I got home really late so I did not get to pick Mom up with the family in the bus station. But all the more, I am just so so so so happy that she got home safe and sound. 
    Thank you Lord. 

Friday, November 5, 2005
     I had an agreement with Mom that right after my class for today, I would come with her to pay  the Meralco bill in Cubao. We met with Kreng already in SM and we just window-shopped.
     I bought some pillows for the living room since I found them cheap. We also finally were able to buy a mini-Christmas tree to decorate in the house.
     I didn’t know why I was spending too much…but this is just me.

Saturday, November 6, 2004
     I was late in the ANI admin team-building seminar so I decided that I would go to the library first so I could photocopy all the stuff that I was supposed to.
     I met Kass in the library and she asked me to borrow a book for our report. I really found her being so OC that much exaggerated because our report on industrial organization will still be on January next year and I even doubt it the groups before us are starting with their stuff already. But then, it’ still a good thing to be groupmates with Kass. She just teaches me to be like her…sometimes and I am hoping at all times.

Sunday, November 7, 2004

My battle on spiritual life is still continuing.

Again I did not go to church.

I had time and I wanted to but I knew that I’d be sinning if I go. I knew I would not like the feeling and I just hate feeling that way. I sucked.

Monday, November 8, 2004

     It’s our first lab meeting and I was happy that I got a seat in front.

     From my experience of lab sessions, they were all actually long but I found them not boring since I could just seat there for many hours and still don’t get bored. I love lab sessions. I am just afraid for the lab this sem because we would be devising psychological tests for the subjects of our choice. It’s pretty interesting and exciting though.

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

     I got to know Kass a bit better in an interview I had with her. It’s actually a requiremt for my psyche testing class. Let me share it to you.

Life History Questions(LHQ)

Interviewee: Kassandra Iris Ong
Interviewer: What is the nickname you prefer? Why?
Interviewee: A lot of people call me Kass. My full name is Kassandra Iris and since everyone has this tendency to become lazy, they always like to shorten names so they call me Kass. Of course I got used also to be called Kass by my parents at home when I was a little kid, so when I went out of the house and when people asked for my name, I simply said Kass. Without my permission though, others call me Kassy. 

Interviewer: Describe your ethnic background and religious orientation?

Interviewee: I am pure Chinese since both of my parents are Chinese and so are their parents. As for my religious orientation, I am a Born-Again Christian.

Interviewer: Do you have the same religion as your parents? If not, please explain, why?

Interviewee: I grew up going to church with my mother who is a Born-Again Christian. My father on the other hand is a baptized Catholic. I followed my mother’s religion because when I was a little kid she would always bring me with her to the church and so later on I decided to be baptized as a Born-Again Christian.

Interviewer: Describe your parents. Who do you resemble the most and in what way?

Interviewee: My father is hardworking and when it comes to work and even to small things, I can say that he’s OC. He is very patient. My mother on the other hand is someone whom I can say is vain and a fashionista. She gives a lot of importance to grooming and health. However, she is a bit impatient and has a really bad temper. With whom I resemble the most, I’d say both of them. I probably got my being OC to my Dad but I think I inherited my being ill-tempered to my Mom.

Interviewer: Describe your siblings. Who is most close to you? Whom are you not close to?

Interviewee: I only have one and his name is Franz. To describe him would be too easy because he’s my complete opposite. We don’t have a lot of things in common and we argue a lot because he doesn’t want to be scolded or at least listen when I advise him to study. We’re different in ways like, he’s eloquent and spontaneous and is even a part of their school debate team, while I don’t really talk that well. I can say we’re not that close, probably because we don’t share the same interests. There’s nothing much that I can do because as I said he wants to live his own life and do things his way so there’s no point approaching him at times. Besides, I actually don’t see myself as a nurturing sister. 

Interviewer: What is your current life situation? With whom are you living with currently? What is your daily routine?

Interviewee: I am currently living with both of my parents. My daily life revolves around school studying and sometimes attending organization meetings for RegCom. On Saturdays, I sometimes have ballet lessons and on Sundays I teach Sunday school on church.

Interviewer: What are your present concerns? Be specific. Specify major and minor concerns

Interviewee: I am most worried or I think of my future a lot especially after I graduate in college. In one-year time, I know I’ll be finishing college (I pray that God permits) and I can’t help but to ask myself what would I do after. Also, included in my major concerns is our family business as well as my spiritual life. With our family business, I am looking forward to be handling it in the future and assuring that it sustains. On the other hand, I always thought that God should always have a place in my heart and so my spiritual life matters. Among my minor concerns are my health and my grades in school. I am always afraid to get sick so I take care of my body and watch the foods I’m eating. My grades I can say are also important since they would reflect my effort and I always wanted that I get what I worked for. At the moment, I am hoping that I have the skills to manage my time better.

Interviewer: Do you have a significant other? How did you get to meet him? How does he influence your life?

Interviewee: I don’t.  I just can’t take it that my studies would be distracted if I do get a boyfriend. Right now I can say that I have no time for boys. My thinking always goes that the right time will come and that there are still many boys out there. Having a relationship with the opposite sex is really not one of my priorities now.

Interviewer: Describe any recurring dreams/daydreams.

Interviewee: I am not sure but if I try to recall all I could remember is that I always dream of things that are school related. I don’t really remember the exact details or any instance of my dreams but I’d say it really just revolves around academics. With my daydreams, I usually think about the recent past, especially the significant experiences I had. I can practically daydream of a happy conversation with a friend yesterday or the other day.

Interviewer: Who are the men/women past or present do you admire the most? Who do you admire or consider as an ideal role model?

Interviewee: I admire my Dad because I really see how hardworking he is and I know that he’s doing everything for his family, for us. Just like my Dad, my uncle who happens to be my Dad’s brother in law, also inspires me. This uncle of mine really started from scratch. He was really poor before yet now he already owns a big company. When it comes to women on the other hand, I admire those who are in the corporate world like the Yuchengco sisters. I like women who are powerful in society because for me they are opening doors for women to be like them. I just hate the patriarchal society we have.

Interviewer: What events/experiences have given you the greatest joy? Greatest sorrow?

Interviewee: I was happiest when I went to United States last summer. I just felt so blessed because I really did not expect that my Tita would pay for all of my expenses including the trip fare. I was actually expecting that after my 2000 visit in US, I’d be back only after 10 years. I was wrong so going there just after two years brought me so much joy and excitement. Also, making it to the Dean’s List everytime makes me happy because that way I see the fruits of my labor. It just makes me proud because I know it’s not some sort of a “chamba” since I did not cheat or anything of that sort, but I really worked hard for it. With my greatest sorrow, I’d say that they are the times when my parents fought. It’s so hard for a daughter or for any child to see their parents fighting and arguing against each other since it really hurts. Also, though I know it sounds weird but I really felt so afraid when I heard the news about the Chinese kids being kidnapped. I was scared that if I get kidnapped, my parents wouldn’t be able to produce the money for ransom. I probably just got so paranoid at that time.

Interviewer: What occupation would interest you the most if you could be whatever you wanted?

Interviewee: I always imagined myself as an executive in a big company or it would be better if I’d be the executive of my own company. I want to work with a multi-national company that deals with China or the Chinese so I can use my ability to speak Chinese.

Interviewer: What would you like to change about yourself?

Interviewee: I would always thank God for what he’s given me but I will not deny that there are really things about me that I would like to change. Physically, I want to have longer and leaner legs. I’m proud that I am Chinese but then I prefer to have a line above my eyes so it’ll be easier to put on a make-up. It’s actually because I learned from my Mom that a woman looks naked without make-up. Also, I want to be thinner and taller or to have a model-like body. I also wish to have a more manageable hair. With my attitude, I really wish that I am more patient and that I can control my temper at all times. I also want to be more compassionate because I am more of a thinking or a head kind of person.

Interviewer: What is it about yourself that you exceptionally like?

Interviewee: I am proud that I can control some things about myself like my eating habits and my daily routines. I can really stick to a strict diet. Unlike other people I know, I can also force myself not to watch TV the whole day and just do some school work and I am happy I possess this attitude. I also like the way I prioritize things and as a whole the way I organize my life. I feel that I also should be proud that I am responsible daughter and student. My being OC works for me actually in a positive way because this characteristic just helps my life become more organized and well planned.

Interviewer: What would you like to be said of you when you pass away?

Interviewee: I want people to say that I actually left a legacy, something that is of great use to the future generation. It might be a book that I myself authored.

Interviewer: Give a title to your life according to how you lived it and how you want it to be.

Interviewee: The OC. As I said, that is my most dominant characteristic and I am proud that it works for me all the time in a positive way. I can say that I really lived my life as an OC person and this has made my life more planned and one that has a vision and a direction. This attitude really works to my advantage because I really do things more properly and the way I want them to be. Probably, if someone would make me choose between being OC and not, I would prefer being one. I would not like not to be OC, though it may sound weird since most people look at it in a negative way. 

Wednesday, November 10, 2004
     I have to wait for long hours because my meeting for  PEERS was still at 430 and my class ended at 130.

     The GA was pretty exciting though because I got to meet my co-committees and co-teammates. Really cool.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

     I love Kris for letting me borrow (with Jess and Nasty) her two psychology books namely Social Psyche and Psychological testing. Both of them cost a total of 2300 pesos and I really need to save money so I had them photocopied.
     I got my check for the OAA work I did during the registration period. So happy even though it’s just a thousand plus pesos check.
     Thanks Lord.

Friday, November 12, 2004
     I got the books from the Xerox center in Aurora only to know that the Xerox guy actually got a page out from the Social Psychology book of Kris. Good thing I was honest with Jess and she just helped me deal with the situation. We got the books later in the afternoon and we spent 1000 for both the books. I guess it was cheap enough and we really saved a lot of money. 
    I  encashed the check so I had money to pay for the photocopied books.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

I got lazy in studying that’s why I just stayed home and watched movie.

Alma, Che and Kurt came by the house late in the evening and we just had some little talks.

I got to talk to Brian over the phone, a new friend from La Salle whom I met in the chatroom…pretty interesting guy. I found myself telling stories to him and him to telling stories to me…it rarely happens with my conversations with guys. He’s probably a true friend material.

Sunday, November 14, 2004I did not go to church..period. But in deciding, I went through a difficult battle. Believe me. Forgive me Lord.

Monday, November 15, 2005

   No classes. It’s Ramadan, and President Arroyo declared it as a non-working Philippine holiday. But even though, it was supposed to be a holiday, still I got to go to school because we are scheduled to clean the ANI room and Pathways Resource Center. It went well though and I got to enjoy cleaning all the stuff in there. At least, we gave our room a homey ambiance.

    Ali, Alma, Che and I went to visit Hebber later in the afternoon. We were really just worried about him. He stopped school and right now he just stays in their house. I don’t want to say I pity him but I really feel sad about his situation. He’s got so many repressed feelings and I really just wanted to be there for him.  I love you Hebs.

    Lord, help Hebber…at all times.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004
    It’s Mommy’s 52^nd birthday. I was not able to buy her a present but I guess she’s pretty much happy with my greetings and my whole family’s. I love Mommy…so so much.
   Lord, I thank you for Mommy’s life. May you always give her strength and give her the wisdom so she’d know what to do in every situation that she faces. Lord, make her feel that we love her so so much and that you love her. Be with her at all times and don’t let her be hurt. Lord, reserve all the sufferings that she’s bound to experience and let me suffer and experience them instead. Forgive her for all of her sins. I thank you Lord and I love you.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I got to do a lot of things today.

1.    & nbsp;  school visits for ANI (I went with Sabs, Abivic, Benjoe, Ria and another volunteer in JP laurel High Sschool)

2.    & nbsp;  met Celine for our PEERS PR Committee meeting

3.    & nbsp;  ate with Patty

4.    & nbsp;  reserved Faura AVR for our Social Psychology presentation on January 11, 2005

5.    & nbsp;  scheduled my scholar’s guidance interview

6.    & nbsp;  went to ACESS and tried to apply for a practicum job while in school

7.    & nbsp;  bought a new bag (black and transparent)

Thanks for all of these Lord.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Abivic asked me a big favor to go with the volunteers for the school visits in Quirino High School. Again I have to wake up early.

   I met the guy in Jollibee Aurora and from there we just walked going to Quirino. I felt nervous actually because I know that I’ll be meeting most of my high school teachers. I just got afraid of the impression they would give on me. In the end, it just went well and I think the volunteers enjoyed the visit so, I got pretty satisfied with what happened.

   Philosophy turned my head. Sir Jope is so critical. I kinda like what he said about theology and Philosophy marginalizing people. I guess it’s true, but then it made me justify what I am acting at the moment. He said that not going to church is just fine, as long as you’re happy with it. But then at the end, I know that I would always find my happiness only in HIM. 

   Lord, thank you for always making things in their right perspective. Help me God and save me, Bring me back to you.

Friday, November 19, 2004

I was scheduled for an experiential learning with Kass for our industrial psychology class. The training we attended was about employee relations.

I did some school work and reading of newspaper in the library.

I got the chance to meet Mar Roxas in person. I found him interesting and really very intelliegent. I pray that if he’ll be the next Philippine president…the country would prosper.

Thanks you Lord for this day.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

I did this…all the typing and remembering.

Lord thank you for everything. I love you Lord. Bring me back to you…I am really hoping I could go to church tomorrow…

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Finally, I convinced myself to go to church. I had cell group meeting with my church friends and it was fun. It feels wonderful to be back.

I will have to read my books this day.

Lord thank you for your gift. Thank you for a nice start for the week.