believer in my Maker & Savior

I have just gone through two hard long tests today. I still have one for tomorrow and I haven't reviewed yet. I was starting to cry this morning because I felt I was not that prepared for those two battles this morning. I know it's my fault since I really never studied that much. Once again, I procrastinated and  I hate it. I feel bad yet I think I couldn't get away with it. I don't know how to deal with my bad attitude.

I am just hoping that at least I pass my test, especially my history test.

These are some cheesy stuff I wrote, for a requirement in one of my payche subjects.

After I graduate from college, I wonder what is it
that I am going to do. There are just two things that flashed on my mind. One, I pictured myself in a corporate attire and two, I saw myself holding and reading books again. I said either way, whether I work or I study again, I would still experience stress. I know this is being negative but it is also a fact that I could never go away from. This is why the topic on worker stress and negative employee attitudes and behaviors struck me.

Being a student the topic on stress is relevant to me. Actually, it rarely happens that stress is being discussed on class.  This time I saw the report as an opportunity since oftentimes seminars are also given regarding the topic. At this point in time, I need a report or talk that would give advise on how to combat stress and the reasons why people feel stressed. The topic reminded me that whether we like it or not, stress is a big part of life and one should know how to handle it when a circumstance arrives and you suddenly feel burnt-out and tired.

Not only is the topic relevant to me as a student but more as a worker. I worked in tutorial centers in the past and presently I am working as a student trainee in test administration and other psychometric work. I must say that in those times, it’s more taxing than being a student because I am still on the process of getting the feel of what my job is all about. There is more pressure and more stress in a new environment where you will have to keep up to the expectations of your mentor. The stress is more intense because aside from your performance, they are your attitude and personality that are being looked at.

There is one aspect about the topic stress that was discussed that I did not know before. This is the positive aspect of stress, the eustress. All the while I believed that stress connotes only a negative physiological and psychological reaction of a person to an event. I never really thought that I can use stress to my advantage. But what surprised me is that only lately did I realize that I am actually taking and using the positive aspect of stress in my workplace and school already. In those times that I feel stressed, be it in my studies or in my work, the stress seemed to be boosting my self-confidence more. The tension that I was feeling seemed to motivate me more and the nervous and the panic that I felt were the ones who guided me and told me that I can do what I was supposed to accomplish.

Furthermore, the sources of stress as I learned which can come from both the environment and myself are also important. It is significant to note that we can make our own stress. Aside from the situational forces from the outside, we might also want to consider that our attitudes and our personalities might be the ones causing stress on our very own selves. I for myself must consider and try to do something about my tendency to become nervous and to panic during a task. To compensate for this, I can probably think of my past accomplishments by which instead of losing my self-worth in thinking negatively, I can become more competent and successful.

On the other hand, I should also take into account the cues from the environment that might cause me stress later on as I actually become a part of the labor force of the country.  I therefore must think now on what job it is that I really like and what job would fit me for when a conflict arises between what I can do or my abilities and the nature of my work, stress and other negative attitudes might arise from me. I should also familiarize myself with the work so that ambiguity regarding my job will not happen. I should ask myself as well on the kind of organizational culture that I want to work in, in the future.

Knowing that stress can both come from the environment and the person, we should be aware that we might attribute our stress on the wrong aspect. As discussed in my social psychology class, according to the fundamental attribution error theory, people have the tendency to underestimate situational influences and overestimate dispositional influences upon other’s behavio. The theory is also called the correspondence bias which only says that when explaining our own behavior we blame the environmental influences for it, but in explaining other’s behavior we look at the disposition of the person only.

With these, we should now be careful in dealing with other people who at one point in time are rude, probably because they are stressed out from work, family or school. We should understand the situation where these people are coming from and not say right away that it’s probably their nature as individuals to be rude. Meanwhile, when it comes to explaining our own behavior, we might want to look at our own selves and not readily attribute our bad mood to the situation or to other people.

The knowledge that the topic on stress imparted on me, I know will help me a lot in the future especially in the work place. It is essential that I know that prolonged stress can have long-term effects too and that it can greatly affect my health and well-being. I’ll be honest in saying that it alarmed and scared me when I learned that excessive stress in one’s system can destroy how the person functions in his or her everyday life, be it physically, emotionally or spiritually.

I don’t want to say that I am right but I pity those who fight stress and their problems through substance abuse like being addicted to cigarettes and alcohol. These people might not know that it is stress that they’re fighting that’s why they engaged into such acts, so I suggest for the improvement of the class that we go out in field and share our reports to other people, especially those who will not be able to take up industrial organizational psychology, but will work in companies and organizations later on as well.  It will be beneficial for them to learn about time management and the organizational coping strategies regarding stress. Also, it will also improve the class if we integrate related psychological concepts in the class. Like in this topic on stress, it can be mentioned that the high cortisol levels with prolonged stress can damage cells in the hippocampus thereby impairing memory function.

Probably the one big lesson that I got from the topic on stress is that, we can actually use it to our advantage. If you are a person who dwells on your problems or probably who dwells on being stressed and tired,  why not transform that into an energy that will make you do great things in life and that someday you will be proud of. Handling stress is not an easy task but once you get accustomed to your chosen way of combating it, the process can become a habit and you can now easily put it into your system. We are not born with stress, so are we not born with the abilities to deal with it, but rather we learn the ways to fight stress and our other problems.

I was problematic this morning because I was supposed to go to school in a smart casual attire and I could not find any top that would match my white capri pants. Fortunately, I did find something in my oldest sister's closet.

The ANI core group had a courtesy call to the Ateneo President, Father Ben Nebres. It was quite an experience. We had the chance to share ANI to him as well as our our personal experience.

Today I got to know the university president in a more personal level. I now know why he has is in that position. He is a Jesuit, and I can see the passion in him. He shared to us some of his stories about the country and the problems we're facing. But then, he also emphasized that there are also good things that are happening and that there are still many people who care. He said that the poverty in the Philippines is becoming worse not only because there is inequality, that there are lack of opportunities, but because the people lack capabilities. He stressed that many are not educated and are unskilled and I totally agree with him.

"Success comes when opportunity meets readiness," as Father Nebres said. Yes, this is true. However, I also think that opportunities don't just come, one only has to seek for them.

It's in the news and the newspaper headlines. THE PHILIPPINES IS THE SECOND MOST CORRUPT COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. Father Ben, during our courtesy call with him told of a story about a psychologist who studied those poor countries before who in their own efforts were able to progress. The psychologist found out that during those times when these countries were in desperation, most of their children story books were about stories of hope and courage and everything positive.

This I guess is the opposite of what is happening to my own country. I think many Filipinos of my age would agree that we grew up in a society that recognizes the people or politicians who are corrupt. We grew up watching the news about crimes, cheating and corruption. Rarely was a good news a TV or newspaper or tabloid headline. Many I guess would agree that there came a point in our lives that we were asked by our teachers in school, or we were asked to write an essay on the question: Is there still hope for the county?

I remember many of my classmates then said no. And those who said yes, actually thought twice about their answers first. Probably it's true that our country could have been diffirent or could have been progressive and not regressive, if we were taught to hope and not to lose hope. We could have better lives if as children, we were taught that we can do something about our situation.

The sad part comes when I realized my own child story. I do believe that if not of the hope and faith I had, I couldn't have been the person I am now. The thing is, only few have the similar story as mine. Only few were able to hold on to their hopes, dreams and faith in God. Many and actually majority just lost hope. Probably this people just cried and did not do something about their situation.

But then again, I have another question. Whether the country is a progressive one or underdeveloped  one, what is it that really matters to people? It's a reality that there are people who did not lost hope and became the richest persons but then, are they happy? At the end of the day, I just wonder what question do people ask themselves?

Just yesterday, I was shocked when I was called to be the highest scorer for my social psychology first long exam. I was so happy. I was losing hope that the time a teacher in any of my subjects would call me as the top scorer, would not happen, but then it did and this year it happened already twice. I just realized that sometimes, also it's better not to hope. It's because, it's much harder when you hope and you failed. I just wish that every person when they stumble can stand up readily and go on and again hope. But then sometimes, when one stumbles, one gets wounds and the person would have to let those wounds heal first before he or she can stand up again and walk upright.

I just realized lately that it probably works better if one endures the pain first in his or her sufferings in life, because it is in feeling the pain that one truly learns. It's funny that I'm sharing contrasting things. I don't know what's really right. Oh well, there isn't really one truth.

It's past 12 already. Another day has began and in days, before we know it, it's alreay February. I am actually excited for summer. I will have to wake up at 5 am becasue I'll be adminestering law exam again tomorrow. I probably would have only 4 hours of sleep.

Thanks God for everything. I love you.

Last night, while I was cleaning my soft contact lenses, I accidentally tear one of them and when I tried to check if the other one was still okay, I found out that it was also damaged. I felt bad of course because I had it only in less than a month when I'm supposed to use it in a year or so. The money I spent buying those precious lenses were just gone. Because of anger, I actually tear the lenses still smaller apart. They would be of no use anyway.

When I bought it last December, I was so happy. I was first anxious when I wore them because it felt unusual and you were all the time conscious since you have to be extra careful for the might fall off your eyes. But then with all the anxieties it brought, it gave me much more positive things in return.

I do admit that it was my fault that my eyes now have to wear glasses or contacts with 225 as their grades. When I was younger, I would actually often read my books in the dark and I would sleep with my wet hair. Also, I would watch the TV so closely and oftentimes, I sttrained my eyes. I first wore eye-glasses summer of 2003 already, and the previous times were so hard since I was afraid to admit that my eyes did not have that perfect 20/20 vision anymore.

I never enjoyed things outside becasue I couldn't see things clearly. At church, I would often have to go in front of the sanctuary so to see and read the songs that are projected in front. When I had my eyeglasses, I would just wear them inside the classroom and not when I was walking outside. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's just that I feel so irritated when I feel that something is hanging between my ears.

And so I saw the need to wear contact lenses. They made me "not-blind" and appreciate things more. When before, I would often say and feel sorry to the people I know who sometimes, I just pass by the streets because I could not recognize them, when I had my contacts, I already was able to greet them and smile at them. It's good also when I don't have to bother peopel and ask them at a distance who they are or what their names are. Yeah, my eyes is this serious.

Today, I am back to before. My eyeglasses will once again be on my bag. I think my contacts got teared for a reason. One thing is that, I iiritate my eyes oftentimes because I would have to touch my cornea and pupils and most of the time when I would remove them off my eyes, I would accidentally prick my pupils and hurt them. It's sad but I would have to let go of my contacts.

I had a pretty nice and funny talk with Kass today while we were on our way to the school gate. She said that her brother told her this when they were once in Podium: "Can you at least try to be cool, okay I know you're not, but can you at least try."

I admire Kass because of her ingenuity. She doesn't care on what other people would think about her and she is always herself. She admits she's OC and she actually takes that characteristic of her to her advantage. I've learned so many things from her and I would always be thankful becasue I know she's a true friend.

At last, I finally was able to pass the Draw-A-Person test interpretation paper. It's one burden off my back. Thanks God for the wisdom and the guidance. I bring all back to YOU.

These past few days,have been quite unstressful for me. I can go to sleep without ever studying and in the morning I can wake up anytime I want and still not worry about the things that I have to do for school.

Today, my Mom asked me to deposit an amount of money to Auntie Tessie's account in Landbank, Isabela branch. I took the opportunity so I can go to school right after and finally do some research for our history paper and report. I amhappy that I already have some resources with me. Our topic is Working Filipino Women in the 19th Century Philippines and as a group, I don't think we can ever meet up together and research.My other groupmates would like to start doing the research and the writing still on February and I am worried about this since I needed something to pull my grade up for history. I nearly failed my first long test on that subject.

After my one and only history class today, I went already to ACESS for my practicum. I did a pretty interesting work today which is to electronically scan the answer sheets of the Ateneo Law School examiners.

I just finished work and becasue I haven't been working on my homework lately, I will have to cram my two papers for psychological testing due tomorrow afternoon. I will first have to attend the Juniors'General Assembly regarding the summer practicum.

I thank God for everything.

I probably really felt so bad and I was so affected from yesterday that I did not do anything last night. After I watched TV, I just slept and with the fact that I went to bed early, I actually woke up already late. My class is at twelve yet my initial plan was to go to school at around 730 so I can study in the library and do some research for our group history paper. However, I had a hard time forcing my body to wake up. As usual, it was my Mom who woke me up.

 

I left home, leaving myself only thirty minutes for travel time going to school. My class starts at 12 and fortunately I arrived just on time. I actually was still able to go to the computer laboratory and do some research for my social psychology class.

I knew that today, I will be getting my paper for my second psychological testing long exam. I was clueless if I did good or not. However, I was expecting and praying to God that I actually aced the exam. True enough, I did ace the test. And here’s the feat: I top the test, and actually over-perfected it since I got all the bonus questions right.

This one just makes me happy because I needed something to pull up my QPI for this semester to make it to the Dean’s List. I know I’m not doing well with Philosophy and History and so I have to work hard—really really hard for my three other subjects.

I got to check my email at home this morning and surprisingly, I received a reply from Professor Tim Urdan of Santa Clara University about my request for his scale: Here’s my entire email and his relpy:

Hello, Marjorie--

Sure, you can use the items.  I was part of a team that
created them. Carol Midgley was the leader of the team. 
You can find the items at http://www.umich.edu/" title="http://www.umich.edu/" target="_blank"http://www.umich.edu/~pals/manuals.html.
You should cite the website as your source. 
Please send me your scale and report when they are ready. Thanks, and good luck.
Tim

Tim Urdan, Ph.D.
Department of Psychology
Santa Clara University
500 El Camino Real
Santa Clara, CA  95053
Phone: (408) 554-4495
Fax:  (408) 554-5241
Web:  http://itrs.scu.edu/psychology/faculty/tu rdan" title="http://itrs.scu.edu/psychology/faculty/tu rdan" target="_blank"http://itrs.scu.edu/psycholog...

>>> Marjorie Balderas <mail_a_qt@yahoo.com> 1/16/2005 7:48:11 PM >>

Professor Tim Urdan
Department of Psychology
Santa Clara University

I am currently taking up Psychological Testing at the
Ateneo de Manila University in the Philippines.
Part of the requirements for this course is a
test-construction about the construct of
our choice--which is self-handicapping.

We are in need of items for reference to develop
our own scale, which is applicable for our subjects.
We will be administering the test to high school
students of the Philippines, particularly in Manila.

We browsed though several online journals and we
found out that you developed a self-handicapping scale.
I am just wondering if you still have the whole scale
and if you are willing to share it with my group.

In exchange, we will be providing you with our scale,
once our project is done. We will also be emailing you
the whole study, which will include the results.

I really hope that you respond to this email/request.
We thank you in advance.

Truly,
Marjorie V. Balderas
3rd-Year AB Psychology
Ateneo de Manila University
Manila, Philippines

I did not study anything for school over this weekend. I merely took enough rest thinking that I actually did well in my orals for Philosophy last Friday. I said, I needed a break from the pressure that the midterm orals brought me.

When I was waiting for my orals to come, it was actually four gruelling days starting Monday last week, I said that I'd be contented if my teacher would give me a "C" as a grade.

This morning, I checked in my teacher's pigeonhole what grade he gave me (okay...what grade I got), and I found out that I got the grade that I said I would be happy about already. However, after learning I got a "C", I was not happy and contented at all. Probably I was expecting something more or something higher. I thought I did well on my orals yet it's actually the other way around. I slacked off.

Social Psychology is really a relevant class. At least, I can somehow explain my behavior and attitudes toward things and situations. Like this recent one, I don't know where to attribute my failure in the orals. Do I blame myself? Or is it my teacher who is to blame? But some of my classmates, in fact my close friend Nasty even got an "A"?

I've been saying that grades should not matter or should not affect me or individuals that much. They are just numbers or letters. But then, I could not help sometimes to look down on myself and blame myself because I know I could have done better. In this world, letters and numbers can actually say somethng about who you are. I admit, I felt that my slowly-rising and becoming-stable self-esteem has collapsed a little this morning when I found out about my grade.

I went to the school chapel today to pray after my psychological testing class. I felt that I needed someone to talk to because I really felt sad and depressed and I know that no one else will be there to comfort but Him. True enough, I felt good after. That there are still so many chances in the future to make up. I just felt accepted in His eyes and that made me feel good about myself.

After my history class, I went straight ahead to Bellarmine for my practicum. I did so many things today and it was worthwhile and self-fulfilling. The many things I did somehow helped me forget about the truth about my Philosophy grade.

I got home around 5pm today. My oldest sister treated me crab nuggets for merienda. I did not have lunch and I barely ate my breakfast for this morning. However, I don't think I'm getting thin.

This is my second blog for the year. I intended to take a break for a while and to deprive myself of internet and blogging since I really had to work on with my studies for the first two weeks of class this 2005. I really worked my ass out these past few days.

However, even though there were so many things to do, still I managed to remain calm about things and be free from tension. I think it helped that I went to church last Sunday and attended the cell group.

I got fond of taking pictures of myself these past few days.

I wanted to say sorry my friends from church for what I said in my past blogs. True that it was how I felt at that point in time, but I guess it’s a good thing that I think otherwise this time around. I feel like these people have helped me a lot and have given me the inspiration to really hold on to my faith.

I do admit that I procrastinate a lot, but then this time, it didn’t feel like I procrastinate at all. I felt that it was God telling me to leave everything up to him and just do what I can. I praise god because I never had sleepless nights and that I felt so relaxed. I really felt good about myself, how I did things and how I saw people and every situation that came. Everything was just so positive and so heavenly. It was just a big wow to me.

WARNING: This information is long overdue: One more reason why I didn’t update my blog is that I cannot post this without the pictures. It took me a while to make these available.

I cannot express how happy I was when Krizza Roanne was born. She’s my first ever niece and my parents’ first ever grandchild. She’s so tiny and so cute. She was born on Rizal Day, the 30^th of December last year at 12:10 in the afternoon. Her name was supposed to be Krizalina Roanne, combined names of Rizal and my grandmother Rosalina and my brother who passed away Ron and the mother of the baby, my sister-in-law, Marianne.

Isn't she cute? She's 8 hours and 5 minutes old in this picture!

I am really so proud of my brother. The fact that he chose to keep the baby made me look up to him. He did not run from the responsibilities of a father and it was just so amazing. Omigod…in my entire life I never appreciated both my mother and my father that they chose to keep me and brought me to life. There were even points in my life that I regret being alive and being born. Thanks for this time. I realized a very big mistake and I guess my brother really did help me to appreciate both my parents. Allow me to thank my Mommy and Daddy for bringing me to this world.

If deaths make me appreciate life, so are babies. I thought that Marianne would give birth January of 2005 but the baby went out on the second to the last day of 2004 before the new year. Now slowly, I am realizing why God took away Ron-ron from us. Kriza is a wonderful gist from God and I know that it was Ron who gave way for the life of this beautiful and innocent baby girl.

Happy New Year everyone!