believer in my Maker & Savior

I haven't been doing anything lately. I feel so tired, so stressed out, so exhusted and so anxious about the things that are happening. I feel betrayed by God, once again. I really cannot tell what it is that really happened because it's a very delicate issue. I actually made a promise not to tell anyone about it, and so that vow shall be kept.

I cannot explain how I feel. I have so many things in mind yet I could not do even a thing. I actually have a lot of things to do yet I couldn't find myself starting at any task. I don't know but it's a weird feeling.

Many times in life, things happen unexpectedly. Also many times, we don't like the things that happened and the problem is that we don't know how to get ourselves way out. From a very traumatic event, I don't know how could I or someone recover and continue with life.

I know I am a strong person, and I've learned to practice imagination--to put myself in someone else's shoes. I think God gave me the gift to easily sympathize and feel for people. However at this instance, I cannot seem to do this. I cannot even be a strong person--and a person who can be strong for another. Right now, I am so weak. I just feel bad.

I cannot find the right words to describe how I feel or what are the things that I really want to do or simply the things that are going on in my mind right at this moment. Yeah...probably just like what I said, I just feel bad--terribly bad.

Yesterday, was Bern's 20th birthday. She had a small celebrartion at their house and some other high school friends came. It was fun. I am sure we made the celebrant's day.
To you Bernadine--I wish you all the happiness and success in life.I thank you for being a very very very good bestfriend. May God always protect you and shower you and your family his blessings.

PROTECTION??? This word makes me always question Him. period.

The past week was a blast. Last Monday, the news on the bus bombings in three different places in the country, shocked me. I haven't recovered yet from the incident, when another one happened. It did not just shock me but it also traumatized me. This time around,  I was already involved.

It was a Thursday afternoon, the 17 of February. I woke up early in the morning because I felt like working out. And so I did. I also cleaned the house and even cooked for lunch. Mommy, Ate Alot and I were the only ones in the house that time.

I was taking a bath, around 1230 in the afternoon when my neighbor, called at my Mom and said that, the house of our another neighbor was already on fire. I got terribly nervous. I readily put on my shirt and just wrapped myself up with my towel and then I already went out of the house. I knew it was serious. I did not even bother to put my panty, bra and shorts on because I already got afraid. My Mom already switched off the main electrical switch so the house really got very very dark. the whole street that afternoon was blackout.

The house that was burning was in the same line as our house and it was just two houses away from us. When I saw how big the fire was in just a matter of minutes, ,I already lost hope and made myself believe that our house will be next to burn into ashes.

I got panicked. We all don't know what to do. I did not want to go back to the house anymore for the fear suffocation inside our dark and closed house. In desperation, we decided to at least save some of our things. We went back and forth to get some of the appliances and clothes out. We probably went for five times. We quit because we got really afraid. Of course, we first have to save our own lives.

I was cying. Most people were crying. I was supposed to be in school at 1 in the afternoon at that time for our group consultation, and I already was not able to attend.

I did not know who called for help and who called for the firemen but I was really pleading the people to go get some help. I felt exhausted emotionally. Thank God that in a matter of minutes, 3 firefighter trucks arrived. I still did'nt know at that time if our house was already affected. I was praying and hoping our house was still not on fire.

Fortunately, after few hours and fighting the fire down the firemen were already able to put the fire out. We felt relieved knowing that our house was not at all affected. I really thanks God for sparing us.

I still haven't recovered frrom the incident. I was just thankful that it happened daytime. Also, I praise God for not letting anyone hurt.

With what happened,  our sense of neighborhood and community was tested. I believe that what happened somehow helped us as neighbors to be close to one another and be helping each other. However, ,I don't know anymore how safe to live in this world is.

I am not feeling well. I feel so exhausted. I don't know what are the things that seem to worry me. I just feel distracted. There are so many things going on my mind yet I don't know really which ones to prioritize. I feel tired. I don't know, but I feel empty.

Tomorrow's Valentine's Day. I don't really care. Probably, the day exists and is special only to those who have a significant other. It's okay, I'd be with the single's club tomorrow anyway. I'll be working with my groupmates who, just like me are all loveless this Valentine's.

Happy Valentine's to all. I really hope that love shall reign on this world.

I woke up this morning feeling that my right ear could not hear. It was an unusual feeling. It hurts a bit.

The past few days, I've been working on with our group history research paper. I am trying to put sense with everything my groupmates sent me. It is actually hard when you know that you work better than others. What's harder is that you have to get the biggest responsibility. But then I guess it's an edge that one knows how his or her groupmates work because if not and you keep on trusting them that they can do their part WELL, one might just end up frustrated. I know that I should trust my groupmates but then as my friend Kass has been telling me, "you make sure that you have groupmates wth the same working style as yours."

But probably one of the things I learned if one wants to become an effective leader is that he or she should know how to delegate tasks and trust the people under him or her. I should learn this as soon as possible, I guess.

Last Monday, I was scheduled to take an exam in PeopleSupport, a call center. I got a call from an Apple and she invited me to take the qualifying exam. I thought that it was a big opportunity and that I have to grab it, since it might not knock on my door once more. Thanks to the Ateneo job fair, companies have been contacting me.

And so I did go to Ayala and to the office address. I went there alone, not knowing really the exact direction I was going. I was not so familiar in the Makati area. (sad)

Fortunately I did pass the exam. Unfortunately, since I was applying for part-time position only, I was sent home already after the interview. The guy from the office said that he will put my application on-call so as soon as a part time postion becomes available, they are alreay to call me.

Good thing I met this guy Luigi who was also applying as part-time. Good thing he was familiar with the area and I just went with him. He's from Project 2 and I am from Project 3. What a small world!

I just realized this morning and the other day that I probably could not afford to get a job while I am studying. I've been wanting to sleep and my body has been wanting to rest.

The past weeks, I've been trying to sell myself through my resume and transcript of records. We had a job fair in school and different and several companies were there. I gave out I don't know anymore how many of my resumes to these companies for my practicum this summer.

Just yesterday, I went to IBank in Makati to take the exam and also for the interview. There will still be another panel interview this coming March in case, I got chosen.

I just finished yet another requirement today for testing which is my psychological report for my partner Kass. In 5-6 weeks, second semester will be over and I will be free again. YAhoooooo....