believer in my Maker & Savior

I’m hurt. Period. No need for further explanation this time.

Leaving the pain behind (temporarily) , I just would like to think of happy memories this time.

Last Sunday, one of my wildest and most ambitious dreams came true—to be a Sunday/pre-school teacher. It was my first time to handle a class of more than 20 toddlers (ages 3-5). I taught them about the first and greatest commandment: Thou shall not have other gods; Love the Lord God with all your heart, soul and mind.

It was really fun. (I wish I had pictures of my first class!) The kids were really noisy and misbehaved, yet I really had a wonderful time. Thanks to Abby and Alvin, my assistants. If not of these two young people, I couldn’t have managed those kids who were already crying and looking for their parents. I also thank teacher Penny for trusting me. I am going to prove myself and I’ll be a good teacher.

Time: Before Sunday. (shifting to the unhappy mood)

I was so nervous. I didn’t know what to do. I was surfing the net and trying to look for pictures, which I can show the kids. I barely had sleep. I prayed. I thought I was going to fail. My spiritual struggle was still trying to put me down and this time I realized that probably it was the work of Satan. I really thought that I don’t have the sufficient bible knowledge and spiritual maturity to be in front of the kids. However, God was the one who told me, I’m supposed to be there and learn myself. I entrusted everything to him and I felt better.

Time: Sunday afternoon, after Sunday school while at the cell group.

I totally abandoned a commitment. It was ANI’s graduation for the kids today. I did not show up because I was so selfish. I didn’t know majority of the students since I spent almost my whole summer at practicum. I know that the core and the volunteers I know will also be very busy, entertaining the guests, the students and their parents. I’ll just be a bystander; this was my very selfish reason why I did not go. I won’t enjoy; it’s all me right.

Then, I thought of my mentees. We never even had formal goodbyes. I never even left them a word. If only I could turn back time—I would attend the graduation and be selfless and try to enjoy. Also, I would grace another ANIght Stand and support Aldy and Ate Abivic. I knew ANIght Stand could be the perfect time—when I could voice out everything and also hear everything.

I really wish that I had the commitment and the passion to serve ANI more and the students more. Miko emailed and gave her thanks, I was wondering why she included my name:

Ako rin mag-th-thank you!!!   Sa lahat ng bumuo ng ANI'05, thank you sa inyong tulong.  Hindi magiging kumpleto ang aming ANI experience kung wala kayo.  Sana todo bigay pa rin next year.  Sabi nga ni Ate Bon, we all survived ANI.  he he.

Anyway, gusto ko rin mag-thank you especially sa core group--sa top 6:  Kuya Uri, Marj, Kim Ko, Abet, Sab; sa Acads department: Anty, Jayson, Chai, Kim Chologs, Allan, Edward, Myke, Sab, Aldy, Ate Abivic; at higit sa lahat (siyempre, team ko 'to eh! he he), sa Administration deparmtment:  kay Daryl, Alyana, Benjo (na pinalitan ni Bear), Mama Jack (na pinalitan ni Cla Sabulao), at Paul.

Sa pakikipagtrabaho ko kasama kayo, nakita ko lahat ang pagtubo niyo bilang tao, bilang indibiduwal na kasapi ng Alay ni Ignacio.  Saludo ako sa inyong lahat (sabay bow).  Maraming nabago sa atin dahil sa karanasan natin sa buong taon nating paghahanda natin sa ANI.  At sobrang proud ako dahil nakasama ko kayo, na nakibahagi ako kahit kaunti sa inyong mga buhay

Muli, maraming maraming salamat.  Good luck sa pag-aaral, sa trabaho, at sa kung anuman

Lubos na gumagalang, sumasaludo, at nagmamahal,
Miko Chan
Asst. Principal for Administrative Affairs, ANI'05 (sniff...huling hirit na 'to)

Meanwhile, I came to know this ANI volunteer, whom I admire because she has the passion for ANI and the students. I really wish I could give more. Here are her recent blog posts.

Title: And "other tales first" go first:

Yesterday was probably the most memorable day I've ever had for this year. Probably even more memorable than my college graduation. Yesterday was the ANI graduation. Six weeks of traveling to Ateneo to teach kids for the summer. Six weeks of passion and service. Six weeks of bonding with students and fellow tutors. Six weeks that changed my life forever has finally ended. I'm not very good at elaborating details, however, all I know is this: yesterday was the day that affirmed me and everyone who supported this vision and project that all the hardwork and effort of the hundreds of volunteers who made ANI happen, were not in vain.

I was holding my tears back the whole time yesterday. I just didn't want to cry. I wanted to remember my first (probably my last, but hopefully not my last) ANI experience as a day without tears. (even the happy tears)

But just when I thought I was doing an excellent job at tear-management and control, here comes my student Chynna Castro and her fellow students from Batasan High School, performing a hand-puppet number with the aid of white gloves and black lights as the final act before the graduation ceremony was officially closed, which made my tears roll uncontrollably down my cheeks. And to top things off, she told me before she and her friends performed: "Ate, para sa iyo itong performance kong ito. Mahal kita Ate."

Hindi ko mapaliwanag kung anung klaseng ligaya ang nadama ko sa mga sandaling iyon. Tuwang-tuwa ako para kay Chynna at pati na rin sa buong mag-aaral ng ANI. Ang kanilang pasasalamat, mga ngiti, pagkakaibigan at pagtatapos sa programa ng ANI ay sapat na para sa akin para gawin ko uli iyon sa susunod na taon at sa susunod, at sa susunod.

+ + +
Many people have asked me if I'm already working. I always say with pride and a full smile that I'm working but I'm not yet paid. And though it would've been nice if I could be like my other friends who've found paying jobs that get them the extra mile around town doing their own thing without having to be a parasite to their parents, I will never trade my working without pay experience for anything. I've learned a lot this summer, from the medical mission down to my double teaching stint at ANI. I know I still have a lot to learn and I'm willing to learn more, but at least now, I feel like I have the competitive edge: I know I have what it takes to work for a vision of goodness and hope, which is personally more valuable than merely working for pay.

Now I know that I can teach, help build a nation, be realistic and idealistic at the same time, and that there are still people who believe in dreams, goodness and hope. Now I know how to work, as in really work, beyond the org works and little responsibilities.

I am much more closer to God now, and perhaps that's my greatest achievement this summer aside from the material aspect: I was able to cultivate my spiritual life by living, loving, learning, sharing, surviving and sharing my blessings with others. I found God everywhere, in churches, in nature, in people, in life and classroom lessons, and in myself.

I will miss the solitary afternoon prayers, and sunset watching I've always had in the Gesu after teaching my class. I will miss my amazing students. I will miss my fellow volunteers. I will miss most especially the life-rejuvinating experience of ANI.

If you asked me then when I was still a student, on what makes the Ateneo de Manila University stand out amongst the other universities in the Philippines, I probably would have said something ordinary like "Because Ateneo has good facilities and you have academic and personal freedom to grow and think," and end it with: "But other universities claim the same thing, so it all depends on the course you want to take and personal school preference." Today, however, ask me that same question and I will tell you this: "Ateneo de Manila stands out amongst the other Philippine universities because it is the university that teaches students to have a heart. I don't deny the existence of Ateneo graduates who are haughty, arrogant and self-absorbed, but every university has that. However, Ateneo unlike other universities, gives their students a chance to grow into that spirit of love, concern and service for the community. Ateneo de Manila is the university that has the heart that teaches and gives individuals a chance to excel not only in academics, but spirituality and community involvement whatever your course may be."

As I continue my journey in the real world, I have higher hopes for more experiences and learning. And I am ever excited. Admittedly, I've never felt this way when I graduated last March 2005 -- I actually felt stupid and incompetent and unable. But now, I could conquer the world and I embrace life for all that it is and thank God for the smallest of everyday miracles.

"To whom much is given, much is expected." - Jesus Christ

***

I was still wondering what is it that prevents me from giving more of myself.
Probably, I have a different passion. From too much thinking, I realized that I could not go out of my own shell and boundaries right now because still I have my own issues regarding the self that I could not settle. I feel that I don't have that much in me to give. What I have, I ought to give to somebody else, like my family. I don't know, I'm confused. I'm sad.

It’s saddening how people who have been together for decades now still don’t know how to deal well with each other. Just like Mommy and Daddy. They fought last night over some family issue…in days to come,  I’ll probably have the real long time to talk about it here.

I grew up seeing my parents (although not constantly), okay occasionally fighting. They would fight most of the time over money. I hate them both during those times. But then, as I grew up, I also came to realize that this is just normal for a husband and wife. I think what was wrong with them was that they let us see and hear that they are arguing over some matters—even from the very beginning, when we were still small kids, with young minds.

I did not enjoy my childhood because of these occasional fights between my parents. Even before, I was already very idealistic. I wanted a whole and happy family, and when they fought, I would cry to death, just to prevent them from hurting each other. And I must say, I have mastered the craft of being a mediator when some people fight—I have become the home pacifier. That was good, I felt good.

Last night, it was a semi-serious argumentation between the both of them. I just came from the gym, and I heard them talking back to each other. The good thing about Mom and Dad when they fight though is that there was never a time I saw them hurt each other. They’d just use words, but then also, I never heard/saw them bad-mouthed each other. They’re just on the issue.

Last night, once again it was different. I realized that I’ve truly grown and matured. For once, I did not panic to the fear that they might separate. I cried, but I did not let them see it. I just asked them to stop, and talked to Dad the way he want to be talked to—this is the problem with my mother—for years, she still doesn’t know what kind of talking Daddy wants.

The fight did bother me yet, on another level it made me think that fights are just but really normal. For years, I think these fights made the family stronger, and it has made me stronger also and much braver.

With Dad, he’s most of the time selfish. He thinks of himself alone most of the time. We’ve been so understanding of him and of his vices all these years. He did not even hear anything from us regarding the death of my youngest brother. We could have blamed him—that he did not look after my brother that’s why he got drowned. Not a word from us. All the way, we understood him and loved him. What anyway does love really mean? If I would ask him, of course he’d say, yes he loves us. It would be unfair to think he doesn’t love us at all—the thing with Daddy, he can’t give up some things for us. He’s quite contented with how the things are going on with the family right now and I don’t think he has plans on expanding his horizons.

With Mommy meanwhile, I would say she is the true epitome of the word “sacrifice” and “forgiveness.” Mommy doesn’t really know how to take grudges against people—she’s such a Mom and I would hope that I’d have a heart like her when I become a mother. However, sometimes just like Dad, she thinks that sacrifice is equal to love. Mommy has gone through a lot for all of us and sometimes, I also feel that she’s spoiled us. Mommy thinks she doing everything. But still I salute her and I will always love her—and the whole family no matter what.

I feel better. Thanks for the space.
Lord, thank you.

Funny Daryl. He interviwed me one night and made me an article. This is supposed to be presented to ANI sponsors and get some donations. The opinions within the article are of course his, not mine. I must say that most of them are not true. My happiest days actually were those I spent with my friends and teachers when I was in high school. It's just so sadenning, that in order to convince people to give some money (although it's for a good cause), some people even have to exaggerate things, and sometimes tell a lie.
***
A Diamond in the Mud
By Daryl Wyson

"Pumunta kayo dito, hindi puwedeng hindi.”

This is what Marjorie and her friends heard from Ms. Lilia Aquino, their third year class adviser, five years ago while convincing them to take the qualifying exams for Alay Ni Ignacio (ANI), a summer instructional program for academically talented but underprivileged public high school students.

Marjorie, now a senior at the Ateneo de Manila University, once experienced the austerity of public high school education. As Marjorie is now enjoying large classrooms with fewer classmates, air-conditioned lecture halls and up-to-date computers, she once had to study in classrooms with dysfunctional electric fans and scarce equipment among a large crowd of students while thinking whether or not there will be a promising future ahead of her. Today, she no longer has to think about that bitter academic past and enjoy the privileges of a full-pledged Ateneo student.

This is the dream of ANI for Marjorie and some other 1000 students that have undergone and are currently undergoing the tutelage of ANI volunteers. Marjorie was able to explore her gifts and maximize her potentials.

“My teachers were able to appreciate my talents. I love Algebra and my teachers noticed my Math skills. The same thing happened in English. I really love writing and I was happy that my English Literature teacher noticed my creativity.”

“I was able to express myself well,” she added.

What started as a simple project by Mr. Harvey Keh, a Theology professor at Ateneo together with his band of committed students, is now a premiere volunteer group in the said university. After which, as Mr. Keh desired to do more, a non-government organization called “Pathways to Higher Education” spawned out from ANI as he amplified the vision of ANI to have a better Philippines through better education to the corners of the this country.

Today, hundreds of students are lining up at the recruitment desk of ANI as they hope to share in the experience of changing lives by providing a good quality of holistic education to our young ones. ANI is currently offering advanced academic subjects such as Mathematics, English Literature, English Grammar and Science. These subjects are designed to increase probability of the students to pass in the top universities of the Philippines. Likewise, ANI empowers the other aspects of its students’ personality by offering courses in Enrichment and Christian Living as well as by letting them learn things outside the classroom, so to speak, through various activities that range from field trips to computer exposures. And, like any other learning experience, ANI ends with a graduation that recognizes the efforts of its students to learn throughout the entire summer.

At the end of each ANI, the volunteers cannot help but recall their experiences in teaching the students and working with their fellow volunteers. Furthermore, there may be no greater reward for an ANI volunteer than to hear that their students have passed the toughest college entrance examinations and are now headed towards a vivid tomorrow. What seems to be a dream for them is now within their grasp.

As of now, Marjorie is having her practicum at Headstrong Philippines, an information technology firm where she works as a human resources officer. In a year, Marjorie is likely to graduate with honor and her encounters with suffrage will remain only in her memory. She never knew back then that the instant when their adviser convinced her to take the ANI qualifying exams will change her life forever.

“I’m a better person,” she says.

We live in a nation characterized by turmoil, conflicts and disparities. We live among a hybrid race separated by riches and beliefs that seem irreconcilable in spite of the efforts to bind this broken nation. As our country is about to cringe from all these debauching matters, a gleam of hope called ANI dwells in the vicinity of Ateneo de Manila University.

I am such a bad girl.

I was already dressed for the 10am church service yesterday yet I got lazy and did not go anymore. I was supposed to observe Sunday school because I am going to teach (the first time) next Sunday, the 29^th. I’ll be handling the youngest kids.

I got lazy. I ate two pandesals with cheese and mayo.
I got full. I got sleepy.
I did not go anymore.
Church no more.

Earlier in the morning, I played my Christian songs,
I felt like I worshipped Him anymore.
I didn’t like to sit-down and listen.
I would just question and find no answers.

A bad girl
I am.

Went with mom at the grocery store.
Watched Amazing Race 5.
Worked-out for more than two hours at the gym.

Guilt was all that I felt.
Enough.

I was so happy I got to see my high school friends. Joseph, Alistair and
Cherry Rose set-up a reunion for the IV-1 of our batch. It was really nice
to see them and got to talk to them. I just miss them and the things that
share doing with them around 4 years ago. The feeling was overwhelming.
It was superb.

It made my day.

Funny. Alma, Cherielyn and I commuted home. I can’t believe what we’ve gone through. I cannot explain. It was late and it was scary. Super scary. Or we’re (I am) just paranoid.

With the things that are happening; earthquakes, road accidents, murders, cases of rapes, I have become so paranoid. I have wandered away from God and my faith in Him was slowly diminishing. If m faith is to be measured and put into a bottle, I cannot even say that it is half full. I would say that the bottle that contains my faith is three-fourths empty.  I don’t know anymore how to entrust with him people’s safety. I probably haven’t recovered yet from the death of my brother.

It’s ironic how this happens. I very much know the feeling of fully entrusting God with just about everything and everyone. It’s so peaceful and life is so serene, you don’t have to think negative. But then, I can’t really help but to get nervous when someone from the family is out, especially when it is already late at night. I’ve become too paranoid to imagine that someone has killed this brother or sister or father and mother of mine.

When the rumors of an earthquake to happen broke out, I readily panicked. I had faith, yes and I prayed. However, I still got afraid. I thought of my family and the picture of them being all dead, as well as myself. I worried because I wanted to be with them at that time.

Too paranoid. I am sick and I need some cure. I know the remedy and the medicine. I just don’t know when will I start taking it. Tonight, probably tomorrow night or sometime in the future. What is for sure is that I am longing for it. I need it and I want it.

Case closed.

It’s been more than a month now since I’ve been doing this one same thing over and over again: to be in front of the computer the whole day for eight hours here at work for practicum.

Wow! It’s weird that I haven’t updated my blog for more than a month now. I’ve been trying to compose stuff here, write some words and at the end of the day erase them just because I don’t think they’re written and said well. One more thing, I don’t think it is legal for me (as a practicumer here at Headstrong) to do some other stuff, aside from of course working on the things my bosses ask me to do.

Oh well today, I made a brave decision. I’ll do some illegal stuff.
God forgive me. (I hope God does, even though I know that what I am doing is wrong. I know it is very much illogical to continue on with something that is not right…I am just bored!) Let me digress! I’ve been observing in Sunday school classes at church for four weeks now and before the classes start, Ms. Penny would first gather all the teachers for a short bible study/prayer time. One of her lessons is about the Holy  Spirit. According to her, the only distinction between the believers and the non-believers is that the latter does not have the Holy Spirit. A believer who has the Holy Spirit has that guide which tells you that one thing is wrong and that you should stop doing it. This does not mean however, that I am not a believer and that I don’t have the Holy Spirit in me. When I listened to ms. Penny’s words, I quite felt that they were discriminating. I did not really totally believe that those who don’t have Jesus or God with them do not have the Holy Spirit and that if you are a believer you automatically have the Holy Spirit, either. What I know is that God is with everyone, and so is the Holy Spirit. But then at one point those words hit me. Just when I thought that I’ve been spiritually dry all these times, I was wrong. Those words made me realize that yes, God and the Holy Spirit is with me. I will be honest that I was rebuked many times by God (probably through the Holy Spirit) because at times I am doing something wrong. Just like now!

I suddenly felt terrible pain because of monthly period.
I have to stop for now.