Since I don't have time really to update my blog, I'm sharing a reflection paper for Abnormal Psychology on the relaxation/hypnosis activity we did.
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I felt quite disturbed and pre-occupied that Thursday morning. When Dr. Ramos announced though that we would be having a relaxation exercise, the feeling was mixed. I thought it was already an opportunity for me to at least have “that’ time of relaxation or at least a few minutes of rest from the hectic and stressful schedule at school. At the same time, I got panic also for I know that I would be taking up a quiz and a Philosophy long test later that day. I said to myself that there was no reason for me to relax. As a result, while physically, there was the desire to obey the directions of Dr. Ramos, emotionally and intellectually however there were those feelings and thoughts, which compelled me to feel extremely anxious. At that time, I was on a situation where I felt I wanted to do it and at the same time, I didn’t.

Of course, as she requested us to all close our eyes and concentrate, I had no choice anymore but to do the exercise and join the rest of the class in that activity. I paid attention to Dr. Ramos’ directions. It was weird though, that when she asked us to feel the lightness of our fingers, I actually felt that my hands were light. It was as if they didn’t have weight at that time, or if they had, I must say they were as light as a leaf.  I realized the importance of my hands, my fingers, and my palms. I thought of the things they can do. I imagined if they were gone and how paralyzed I would become. It saddened me to think that without them, life would probably be hard. But then the thoughts of the people who don’t have both their hands came to me. I remembered those people I watched in the television who can do amazing things without their hands. They instead use their feet to write, to eat, to do the household chores and to even do some intricate details as fixing a watch. It’s compensation, I thought.

However, when Dr. Ramos asked us to feel the heaviness of our arms, I thought it was good that I was as well feeling that they were really heavy. I felt the distinction between the lightness of my fingers and the heaviness of my arms. I thought that the relaxation was effective since I was feeling what I was supposed to feel. But then, I felt that my arms were becoming heavy and heavier, and so are my feelings. I felt like being tied up in a relaxation exercise where I couldn’t move my heavy arms. I wanted to stretch so at least I could lighten my feelings yet I could not. I wanted to lift weights to ease the tension of the muscles in my arms yet I could not. The next thing I knew was that I got lost in the exercise. I got stuck at my heavy arms. I was hearing the voice of Dr. Ramos yet it was as if I could not listen and comprehend. But not until I heard her say the words “wisdom of ages.”

I tightened the way my eyes were closed. It was as if I was forcing myself to go back to concentration and to eventually meet my wisdom of ages. I didn’t make a mistake. I got myself back to the exercise.

It was dark and I felt like I traveled from a long widening tunnel like those that I see in fantasy films. That tunnel led me to a still dark place where there was only a small beanbag. It was plain. I didn’t actually know how I saw the distinction between the dark place and the beanbag for what I spotted was also a dark-colored beanbag, probably black. I got afraid for I know that black or dark meant something negative.

But then, I just imagined myself taking to that beanbag and imagined that beanbag to be God. Though it was dark, I felt at ease because I knew the feeling of how comfortable it is to be sitting on a beanbag. I remembered those things that I did when I was sitting on a beanbag or beside a beanbag. Then, I thought that to imagine that beanbag to be God was justifiable. When I pray and talk to God, it is also comfortable and it’s relieving and liberating.

I talked to God and asked him “why” questions. I asked him why things are they are now. I actually thought of how my relationship with God was before, probably some years ago, before I entered college. It was passionate. My relationship with Him was so personal and one on one. I remembered those times when I can say I am spiritually high. It saddened because it’s different now. I asked how I could get back to Him but I didn’t get any answer. Then, Dr. Ramos already stopped talking and she also stopped in leading us to the exercise. I was on my own, and talking to God, my wisdom of age.

It felt good that even though I didn't get any answers from my questions, still it was healing that I was able to ask Him the questions I wanted to ask. It healed something in me, I don't know what.

I felt that I was already done. I opened my eyes and got back to myself again--that self which was anxious because of the quiz and long test later that day.