believer in my Maker & Savior

Finally, midterm exam for Thesis/IR class is over. It's such a relief and a big load off. Still a burden, is a long test tomorrow morning. Okay...I have to study now.

I always love attending my Educational Psychology class. My teacher would always begin the class with a short prayer and a reflection. She uses this small red book, which the title I do not remember.

For a glass to be filled-up, it first has to be empty, or at least not full. For a glass to accommodate something, it has to have some room to accept--but if it's already full, it would be useless to still pour on to this glass. In the same manner, for a person to accept, he has to receive.

This was how the prayer went and it made me think. All the while, I have always wanted to feel complete, to feel that spiritual high. But then I thought, if I am like that glass, which is full--then life would be useless. I won't be able to open myself to others anymore. I'd probably be stuck in one place, complete, yet lonely and sad.

Yes, probably this is a defense mechanism.

I am a glass--not full but not empty. Whatever defense this is, I just know that it feels good to know I'm alive--and not stagnant like that water which filled that glass. No matter how incomplete I feel, at least in my heart, I know there is still room for Him, for other people, for ideas etcetera.

I found my old diary the other night. It was a journal that I kept year 2000. To start the new millenium, I decided to keep a diary.

Last night, I slept around 2 in the morning already. I was just having a good time reading on my entries. I was laughing, smiling and frowning all at the same time. It was just funny to read what I wrote down and remember the memories as well as the feelings that came with those words, those happenings in my life.

I still haven't finished reading for a thesis midterm exam and an abnormal psychology long test. I also have two quizzes coming up and a report. Then on Friday this week, I have two group requirements to accomplish. Just like before, I just worry about them and just sit, watch TV most of the time.

I taught in Sunday school today. I had a good time with the kids. I'm so happy that as weeks go by, teaching young children is slowly becoming a passion for me.

I am not like Kass and Niq who are both "OC". This is not the "OC," that kind of anxiety disorder but that contructive "OC" personality type. At times I consider myself to be one, but then when I already compare myself to both of them, my thesis-groupmates, it seems that I am the most disorganized person in the world.

I am trying so much to plan and schedule everything in my planner but I just could not. Oh well...

All the while, I thought that Kass, Niq and I are meeting for our thesis next Saturday. I just realized and knew from them this afternoon that we're actually meeting tomorrow. So, I will have to rush everything and read on the SPSS and statistics manual Ms. Gilda Lopez from the Psychology department lent us.

Our history long test yesterday was shitty, it was tricky. Just like how my teacher described the second part of his test, it was nakakaloko. To translate that in English, that part can make you crazy. Funny though, I truly went nuts.

Krizza Roanne Santioque Balderas

Went for a hospital visit today with Kass. I met Leonard. He said he has RTA. As much as I want to really talk about what we talked about, I just could not. I still have lots of things to do. I've been studying for Philosophy and for tomorrow's second long exam, yet I feel that I am still not prepared for it.

Pray for me. I have a short quiz and a long exam tomorrow.
Well, I also want to ask for God's forgiveness--He knows what is it that I discovered.

I attended the 10 o’clock church service today. Even though I woke up at around 9:45 in the morning already, still I managed to go.  I was encouraged to attend church because of the discussion I had with Miss Mia during my guidance interview. That was an attempt for my part to know where I am at spiritually. As I have been saying, worship services don’t give me as much impact anymore. During preaching, there were times that I even questioned what the pastor was saying. I don’t want to just think that it was because I was really listening and understanding. Also, I don’t want to just accept that I think differently.  I know somehow, some way, there’s something going on. Probably, something is wrong.

Today, I realized something about myself. Probably, I am just looking really for something that I would question during services at church. Today, I did not agree with what the Pastor said during the congregational prayer. One of his line went like this; “Even though the future doesn’t promise us anything, still we believe in You.” I got pissed off because I heard this from an older person and much more a church pastor. For a teenager like me, who has so many dreams in life, hearing those lines meant like everything is hopeless. That for me meant that the things I do now would lead me nowhere. I am sorry. I know I should not delve much into this but I cannot help it. I heard it and also the youth of the church, and it could spell a difference if one internalizes such lines as a prayer. Well for me, the God that I know is a God who gives us a promising and a hopeful future.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it is right that I am basing my spirituality on the impact that worship songs, preaches of pastors, bible passages, and cell group meetings, give me. True that I should not compare myself to others, but I just could not help to think at times in terms of how my church friends are doing. I am not like them who really devote hours for a quiet time. But on the other hand, it gives me consolation into thinking that others are probably just feeling the same as I do. In fact Miss Mia even said that the concerns of the most college students today are into other things like love life and stuff. Most people today don’t even care about God. But then, that doesn’t really make me feel good. In fact it makes me feel burdened. This is because I know it’s my responsibility to bring these people closer to God.

…I don’t want to add further but it leads me to another weird thing.

One of the things I learned from Philosophy last year was to take into consideration that with my actions, I might be marginalizing people. Furthermore, my teacher told us to just accept people as they are for they might be happy with their present situation. So, again evangelizing and teaching people about God and trying to make them embrace my religion would be an act of marginalizing them and saying that I am more right than they are. The intention of helping is brought into a different color that it might mean that the ones you’re helping are more inferior. 

I cannot deny that this kind of thinking has hindered me into sharing with my family my beliefs. I just say that probably, they’re happy with where and what they are. I love them, so I don’t have to impose on them things, thus I should just accept them as they are—Catholics who rarely read the Bible.

These things really confuse me. Truly this world is full of conflicting ideas. I’m just so glad that despite incorporating such philosophies into my life, still I am able to listen to and learn from my teachers and mentors and parents and all other people.

Enough of this.

Anyway, I just cooked pasta for merienda today for the family. Then, all my other siblings chipped in for pizza. I guess, this is sort of a thanksgiving day for my niece’s second life. Krizza was confined to the hospital for two days. Prior to that, by brother’s mother-in-law told us that Krizza actually lost her consciousness for minutes that night. I am just thankful that they were able to revive her. (I am sorry I don’t know how to use the right words.) I just believe that it’s really a blessing that Krizza is still with us now.

My elective, Educational Psycholgy required us to do a field work. This afternoon, we went to Learning Links, an NGO for streetkids, and we taught children there. The experience was fun. My partner Jinny and I taught the younger group a children's song, entitled Reach for the Sky. It was also a learning experience for me and a training ground since I am also into my church's Sunday school.

I have lots of things to do. I have so many readings and I have to catch up to the articles that I should have read by now. I'm becoming so frustrated with the scores I'm getting at my Abnormal Psychology long exams. For a weird reason, I am barely passing even though I always feel that I'm ready and prepared for those exams. I don't know how to adjust. Well, at least for my other subjects, my grades so far are quite okay and I'm happy about them. I'm dreading the midterms exam for my thesis class. After Wednesday next week, I'll probably reward myself anything.

I wish I can go to church tomorrow and be able to really worship God.

Last Tuesday, I had my guidance interview. That was probably the last guidance interview I will have for college. Scholars are required to visit their counselors at least once a year. I promised though Miss Mia that I'll sign up again and talk to her. The one hour session we had was kind of short and I felt that I wasn't able to say everything I wanted to say. 

For the past years, my experience of guidance interviews were fun and different. Every counselor I had became my friend, even for that time of conversing to one another. They were different because it feels weird that I was able to disclose to people I don't know or to total strangers. I was able to discuss with them personal problems and opened myself to their advices.

Also, my experience gave me an idea that counseling is a good field to pursue. Though, I know that God gave me listening gifts, still I was kind of hesitant on pursuing a career in counseling since I felt that what I know right now is still inadequate. I have so many things that I want to do and I can't still stand firm on a definite decision right now on where I want to go, especially after college.

Well, that's actually an issue that was raised during my conversation with my senior counselor, Ma'am Mia. Let me digress a bit about her.

For the past days, I've been bumping shoulders with her early in the morning at Berchman's Hall. It was weird that she'd always say to me that I got thinner and that my body now looks good on me. (I was happy of couse hearing those from her) But then, I was completely wondering how she came to know me. What I just know about her is that she's a new guidance counselor. I just see her around campus and smile at her. I said that probably she's just too friendly. And my questions were answered last Tuesday. Only on that day of my interview did I discover how she was able to say those things. She actually had my file and what comes with it are my picture when I was a freshman and my weight information and other stuff guidance related including the results of my guidance tests and feedbacks on my past guidance interviews. Oh well...let me go back to the topic.

So, she asked me about my future plans. But the thing is, I'm still not thinking about it. Well, probably because the answer is that I don't really know. I don't have definite plans yet, but of course I have so many things in mind. I said I want to work right away so I can help my parents with the family expenses.

But then, I also want to do further studies. The problem is I don't know in which field would I want to have an expetise on. My interests are leaning towards organizational, developmental and counseling psychology. If could go on all three, why not, but of course one at a time. There are also thoughts that I want to go to law school and also I'm thinking sometimes of becoming a doctor, even though I will still have to take some undergrad science units. And I want to enroll at a culinary school. Then I want to put up my own pre-school. And the list goes on and on. However, it's so confusing. It's part of identity crisis as she said. And I know that as a Psychology major.

Then moving on, she also asked me about school and how has been my almost four years in Ateneo. Then, I answered it has been so great. I just feel so priviledged to meet a lot of new friends and mentors. Also, I know that what I learned in all of the subjects I have taken have enriched my own indivuduality. They have made me ME. And I know they will be of good use in the future. I am a better person because of the Ateneo education and the experiences that come with it.

Then again, I also mentioned of the spiritual problems I am having. I said that I am in a battle right now and that I feel that I am disarmed and that I lost, wounded and still have not gotten up. I mentioned that my relationship with God has got from worse to worst. Whereas, I felt passionate about going to church and worshipping him, now it's different. I felt no fire anymore. I could not even concentrate on preaches and there were so many times that I even questioned several of my new religion's practices and beliefs. There were moments when I want to go back and embrace Catholicism again.

Miss Mia, in response said that it's actually a good thing that I am questioning and asking. This just means she said that I value God and my relationship to him a lot. Then, she used marriage as an analogy to my situation. That in marriage, the first few months or years will be at its peak of happiness, then the couple will slide down to a slope of decreasing excitement about the relationship and then there would come a plateau stage of the marriage, and then reach the peak again and it becomes a cycle.

Probably true. I would never forget those times when I feel high about my spirituality. I just feel God's presence everytime, especially during times of worship. I regularly read the Bible and commune with him. During my freshman year in college, I even brought my Bible to school and was not ashamed to share the word with my SocSci blockmates. I felt blessed.

But the case is different now and the recent past. The flame just died down. I can't even feel God's presence at church. I seldom read the Bible and if I do, I can't find new insights and I can't feel that God was conversing with me between the lines. But what I know despite what's happening is that, I don't feel okay and that I want to bring the old times.

What just struck me during the guidance interview was that Miss Mia asked me what made me decide to convert from being a Catholic to being a Born-Again Christian. I said because as I mentioned, the feeling was different. It was such a nice feeling of "spiritual high."

Miss Mia said that probably it's all "feelings" that made me decide. Everything that contributed to my decision of conversion was just pure emotions. And then it made me ask: Did I really think about it? Did I even use my brains? The problem is, I cannot answer my own questions. I ws afraid to discover that probably the truth is, yes it's all :feeelings" and no thoughts. At that time, I was just a feeling person and not a thinking person who decided.

I feel bad.

Then, Miss Mia closed our overtime discourse on emphasizing that I should make conscious the things I want and I don't want. True. I have to.

I had my graduation photoshoot this morning. It was fun, especially when I was doing my creative pose. I'll be uploading the photos when I have them. I didn't like how I appeared in the toga picture. My hair was quite messed up.

I assisted in Sunday School today. It was fun, as always.
Afterwards, I had a prayer time with my cell group.
Mommy asked me to drop by the supermarket, so I went and bought vinegar and other stuff.
Then I went home, ate lunch then had a slice of buko pie.
For a couple of hours I slept. Good thing and bad thing, Kuya Erwin (Ate Icel's boyfriend) bought pizza for merienda. (yummy!!)
Now, for the remaining time, I think I'll just be thinking and worrying about my photoshoot tomorrow for the graduation yearbook.

I'm craving for veggies. (yum...yum...yum...)

It's the new season of ANI again. Everyone's exhanging emails through the yahoo egroups of ANI and all are eager for the EvSem.

Last two nights ago, Patrick Echevarria (Ateneo&n bsp;2005 class valedictorian and a very passionate ANI volunteer, whom I think will be a great ANI principal) texted me and asked for the updated ANI 2005 directory. I emailed it a day after. He replied by saying these exact words:

Thank you, Marj.
Makikita ka pa ba namin sa ANI.
O trabaho na? ^_^

May Evsem pala sa Aug 19-21 sa Pollock.
Baka interesado ka lang dumalaw. ^_^

Patrick E.

On the one hand, I replied by writing:

Hi Patrick,
Actually, hindi ko rin alam. Ang totoo, nahihiya talaga ako sa ANI, (sa core at volunteers) kasi nga hindi ko gaanong nagampanan yun tungkulin ko last summer. Ang weird nga ng feeling kasi, dapat nga mas mahiya ako na hindi ako mag-vovolunteer for this next ANI. At least kung itutuloy ko, makakabawi ako.

pero marami akong takot kung sasali ako ng ANI:

una, dahil sa pamilya baka ma-pressure ako agad na maghanap ng trabaho, sa awa ng Diyos kung pahihintulutan niya akong grumadweyt. haha..natuwa ako sa tanong mo!!! medyo may point ka!

ikalawa, baka ma-frustrate ko na naman yun ANI people at sarili ko. Alam kung makakatulong at malaki ang mai-cocontribute ko during the pre-ANI, pero I really can't say talaga sa summer na. I might commit again, pero baka ganoon na naman ang mangyari. Makakapinsala pa ako ng ibang tao.

ikatlo, meron pa akong inner struggles (emotionally at mas lalo spiritually) na sa tingin ko kailangan ko munang resolbahin bago ako tunay na makapagtaya.

ikaapat, baka hindi ko gaanong magampanan ang responsibilidad ko sa bahay.

pero, marami rin akong dahilan kung bakit gusto ko sumali ng ANI:

una, kasi nami-miss ko na yun core at lahat ng tungkol sa ANI
ikalawa, kasi malaki ang utang na loob ko sa ANI
ikatlo, masaya sa ANI
ikaapat, hindi lang gusto kong ibalik sa ANI kung anuman ang naibigay niya sa akin, kundi mas gusto kong makatulong sa ipinaglalaban na vision, mission at objectives ng ANI.
ikalima, gusto ko bumawi
ikaanim, ...at marami pang iba

Kung hindi man ako makakasali ng ANI, alam ko naman na sa ibang paraan makakatulong ako pagsulong sa kung ano ang ipinaglalaban ng ANI. I actually already committed myself to my church's Sunday School as a teacher.

Gusto ko rin talaga makausap sina Miko, Ate Bon, Kuya Uri at iba pa, pero nauunahan ako ng hiya. Gusto kong mag-sorry at sabihin na gusto ko pa rin ituloy yun mga naiwan kong trabaho, kahit hindi na ako kabahagi ng ANI. Hehe..kasi hindi ko pa tapos gawin yun ANI database. Pero, I'm working on it.

Hehehe...Patrick, salamat sa iyo. Nahihiya ako kasi sa'yo ko lang unang nasabi 'to. At least medto gumaan pakiramdam ko. Salamat talaga.

Tungkol sa isa mo pang tanong, kung makikita niyo pa ba ako sa ANI, oo naman. Puwede naman siguro ako dumalaw diba?

P.S.
You'll be a great ANI principal!

Thanks uli,
Marj

...It felt good that for the first time since last summer, I was already able to let things out.

All of a sudden, I want a new bible. The NIV of Edcheal, I really like.
She has the one with a green metal cover, but I want  one that has either white or pink.