believer in my Maker & Savior

I don’t feel good. I know I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately but this feeling is not because I’m sleepy or that I am tired, but for a reason I do not know. I can not explain. I feel this certain kind of tension and anxiety within me. I am trying to trace where this uneasiness came from, yet I can’t seem to find its roots. Well probably it’s just been a short yet tiring day.

Yeah. It seems that the time runs faster than usual the past few days. It’s been nine days since I had my Christmas break from school. But, these were nine days of just bumming around, of pigging out and of sleepless nights. Hhuh? I only have five days left to do something worthwhile this vacation.

But what is worthwhile? I think I’ve done some so far like help my parents cook, do the grocery and initiate in some more household chores. I also think that it’s more than meaningful to shop and buy gifts for loved ones with my sisters. I’ve also taken care of my lola and feed her during lunch and dinner time. What more? Well probably none anymore and I know I still have to do some important things.

But what am I looking for and what do I want done before school resumes? I know I haven’t started yet with some of my school responsibilities. I yet have to finish my part for our thesis. For my political science class, I have to keep up with our readings since our first long tests is just days away--same with my philosophy, theology, training and education classes. Actually, just the thought of these subjects stresses me. But I know I can always procrastinate with school stuff. I am just still finding some certain things to do that will make my Christmas and New Year break complete.

Okay. I am not sure if these are really the things I want done.

1. Attend church service on New Year’s day.
2. Meet and bond with my high school barkada.

3. Go to Himlayang Pilipino.

4. Cook one new recipe.
5. Buy my niece and nephew some books and storytell.

6.  Work-out seriously—as in sweat to death.

7. Pray, pray and pray.

I think it is really the last one I want done and I want to do and continuously do. I can do away actually with all the other things. Hehhe…

Speaking of my high school barkada—my friend Hebber woke me up this morning. I haven’t seen him/her (you probably know what this means) for long and I just miss him dearly. For the past few days I’ve been wanting to hear from him and actually see him, yet when we’re already face-to-face I really wished he didn’t visit at all.

Hebber is one of my close friends and I have always prayed for his success and happiness in life. We were best friends in high school and we know what each one has gone through in years. I know how hard life was for him. When we went to different colleges, we somehow also lost contact with one another. He’s made new friends, so did I. But I did not expect him to transform that quick and be influenced by the people around him. Good thing I am a psyche major that I understand why.
But then, I also think that the bigger of all those changes were his choices. He chose to be where he is now—okay yet somehow no, because I know he doesn’t want where he is now. I can feel it.

For a smart person as Hebber, I did not expect him to just give up on life easily. I know he’s been having some family problems and I know he’s not that strong to handle those things. If we’re probably just near each other, I could have served as his social support. But not. Then so many things still happened, until he decided to stop studying. That did not make him smart, I know.

I was hurt with what I saw that’s why I wished Hebber didn’t visit at all. He doesn’t look good. He was wearing untidy clothes. The friends he’s with are also untidy (I am sorry if I’m becoming judgmental). He’s got so many problems to tell. He’s hungry.

With all these, I just can’t help but also hate and blame myself for not being a good friend. I could have done something. Hours passed, I remembered my philo101 class. I was probably just too judgmental. Probably, Hebber could not be happier where he is now. As a friend, all I have to do is just accept and love him for who he is. I shouldn’t in any way try to change him. –somehow true. Yet hours have passed again and I realized that love should not be passive but active. Just as faith can be explained in several paradoxes, so is love. Love is accepting yet rejecting, I must say. It’s active yet passive. Love teaches you to accept the person yet you also reject those parts of him that are detrimental to his individual growth. Huhhhhhhh……life definitely is confusing.

[Hebber and friends—if you guys get to read this, please see this in a different light. I guess, the gladness prevailed over that regret for your short visit. I also apologize for serving you just those durian macaroons and some soda. If only I knew you were coming, I could have cooked lunch for the three of you. Thanks for that kiss, Hebski. Again, I am sorry. I love you and I hope you always take care of yourself. Please do. You’re smart and please make smart choices in life. It’s never too late. (You’d probably be inspired if I say I still dream of writing my own novel and be an interior designer—because it’s never too late and it’s always free to dream impossible dreams.) Dream and live your dreams. (Remember Sibol and Sir Pagsi?). Have that PASSION. Learn to love the family who’s brought you pain and who’s also taught you how to hate. Endure the pain and let your wounds strengthen you. Always stand up when you stumble. Cry and wipe your tears. Be strong. Sometimes it also works to just laugh at your problems. Go to school again and pursue what you want. Don’t abuse others, but more importantly don’t abuse yourself. Respect others and respect yourself. Love yourself. Pray, always pray. Never lose sight on God. He’s just there. I know you know that. He loves you Hebber.]

The news have been reporting on the death anniversary of the tsunami victims last year. I sympathize with those who have lost their loved ones. I know how it exactly feels when all of a sudden a person you love would be gone forever. I’d say I agree with them. Even though how hard we try to set ourselves free of the pain, the hurt will not suddenly wane away. But then I know through time, the wounds would heal but it would still leave a scar on our hearts.

We had a simple noche buena. However I can’t quite say if that was the most memorable one I had yet.

This is the second year the family is not celebrating Christmas with Ron-ron. But then this is also the first year that the family is celebrating Christmas with our two angels—my niece Krizza and nephew Khalel. One thing I am sure of though is that I know this Christmas is different. Well, it’s another Christmas and the fact that I am older probably just gave me a different perspective on looking at the season.

On my previous blog, I was asking myself and asking you and God where the spirit of Christmas is. During those times, I admit that the mere thinking of what to give people for Christmas stressed me. And these people include my friends, my family members, relatives and a goddaughter…and myself. Well, I got over it and it’s done. I actually already opened the gifts I received.

I guess it’s not just the Christmas that is “almost” international (I still pay respect to the religions who don’t believe in Christmas). The traditions that come with it  (gift giving etc.) are also celebrated by almost all the people and nations in the world. But then, when I come to think of it really it’s only the lucky ones who can truly celebrate the Christmas that the world taught people how to celebrate it. I may not know of specific people who are “unlucky” but I am sure that there are Filipinos (okay, there are Christians) who did not have noche buena tonight. There are those who won’t be able to buy gifts and receive gifts.  Sad!? (sigh..)

But what’s more saddening I guess are the situations of these “lucky ones” who can afford to have noche buena on Christmas Eve. These people cook special menus, yet I don’t think all of these people are aware of why they are spending big time on these special foods. Only few people I guess would remember that the very essence of the season is Jesus. It’s his birthday.  (and even though at the very end, if we all discovered that December 25 is not really Jesus’ birthday, I guess we wouldn’t feel as if we’re fooled. no matter what date or season of the year it is, I guess it is important that we all rejoice and celebrate for the birth of our savior.)

I just realized how lucky Jesus is. Imagine almost everyone celebrates his “birthday,” yet sometimes or most of the time, some of the people who celebrate Jesus’ birthday could not even celebrate their own birthdays or have parties for themselves or just prepare simple food for themselves.

I think at this very special day, I have already found the true essence and spirit of Christmas. Okay,  I guess it’s more right to say, I’ve already felt the spirit of Christmas. (to say “I found” would just make some people think that the spirit of Christmas is playing hide and seek with us. I know Jesus is always there inviting us to always remember him). I was not very happy when I opened my gifts tonight. This is not because I did not like them but because some people don’t have anything to open or won’t be able to receive any gifts.

There are so many things that lie ahead for me today. Early morning, we’re going to the memorial park and visit Ron. But then, I am still thinking twice if I am going with my sister in Mandaluyong to help with the feeding program of her officemate. I actually still have to finish some thesis requirement long overdue. (I promised Kass to finish it last Friday but I failed.)

Well to everyone, I wish you a merry Christmas.

Christmas is just around the corner and I haven’t bought my family members and some friends some gifts yet. I don’t feel like going out and shop.

I have sore throat again. All of the girls in the family have and have had sore throats the last two weeks. It’s weird.

Lately, I lose my temper so easily. I’m becoming violent.

I feel tired.

I feel fat.

I don’t feel good physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I worry a lot.

I feel lazy.

I miss my brother.

I love my family.

I want to see my high school friends. I miss Hebber dearly.

I want to run and sweat all day.

I don’t want to think anymore.

Why can’t I answer my own questions?

I want cookbooks and a new bible for Christmas. Anyone?

I hate thesis. But I love Kass and Niq—my thesis mates.

Why am I not feeling their so called “senior syndrome?”

Why does everyone think I still have crush on Joshua?

I miss ANI and doing ANI.

I can’t understand why some people still love their dogs even if they stink and even if they are the cause of misunderstandings amongst neighbors.

Am I signing up for the seniors’ retreat on March?

I am 21 soon. I want to have a barbeque party.

I want to go to CCA or to Henny Sison’s school.

I want to learn ballet and martial arts, taekwondo for instance. Is it too late?

I want to have music lessons.

Where I am going after college?

Does he have a crush on me too? Hope so.

Where is God in my life?

If some of you are wondering, I am in good terms with my Ate now.

I hope I can give myself a day off and reflect on the things that happened this year.

What has 2006 stored for me?

Now….I am still finding the spirit of Christmas?

I’ve talked about this here a lot of times already. Again, no matter how hard I try, still I can’t seem to totally forgive my sister. In fact I have exerted more and actually twice my effort this Christmas season. But then, there would be times when she’s the one provoking me to get angry and fight back by using what happened in the past.

I guess for me to totally forgive is to totally forget—the memories and the pains. I actually don’t know if there are people who can do this since my psychology tells me otherwise. Recall or remembering is only not possible if something of the past is not experienced with an impact or is not unique or however you call it. And in every human person’s case, I guess there would be just bad things that happened which you cannot really forget, In fact these might also be the things that formed you for the person you are now and hence, have become part of your being. Correct me if I am wrong.

I don’t know if those times when I treat her well were just because of pity. I know somehow yes, but I guess the fact that we’re one blood is a stronger reason. I love my sister and I love my family.

Well I guess what I can’t forgive about all of these is not really the thing of the past, but actually the now. As I write these, I can feel in my heart some wounds. This is why I am ending this now.

Next to having a toothache, I dread having a sore throat. But then more than the fact that i cannot take in that much liquids and other solid foods, I much more hate the feeling it gives. It sucks and I hate it. I can't get myself to any work. The feeling sucks and I just hate it.