I know I am still in the process of discernment to complete my list of my New Year’s resolutions. I have already listed down some of them and believe it or not, on the very first day I made those self-vows, I already violated and had not done any one of them at all.

I slept the other day and yesterday past 12 am to keep up with my school readings. I drank around two glasses of Coke and some Pepsi the other day and also today. I found myself eating a lot of carbs lately as well and even worse, I haven’t done any crunches or cardio exercise at all since I made those resolutions.

Are promises really made to be broken? I know no one would intend to break his own vows. I really tried my best to keep up with those promises but to my frustration, I could not understand why I just feel lazy for example to exercise. But if you wonder, if it is hard to make such vows (it’s a sacrifice not to drink soda), it’s even harder for the one who swears when one by one and day by day, she knows she’s violating something she oath to do for her very own self. I feel helpless and very much disappointed in myself. The feeling is like sinning.

So I am still thinking if it is still worth it to continue on with my reflection and complete my list of my New Year’s resolutions. I think one thing I didn’t realize from the very beginning is that making resolutions is also about commitment. And commitment is that very word that I have been telling myself (and some people) that I am afraid of.

I never loved the word commitment. It scares me because I know myself as having that tendency to give up on a commitment. Last year, I rejected to join the organizations dear to my heart because I was afraid to commit and later on frustrate other people because I probably won’t attend meetings.

During my recollection last December for my Theology class, commitment was our topic. I will never forget that day because something embarrassing happened. I thought I lost the Dooney & Bourke bag Auntie Bellie gave, but I was actually just so sleepy that Friday morning I forgot I hung it inside the washroom’s cubicle. I told the maintenance people about it and they actually looked more worried than I was. Also, I bothered my friend Meg and she actually witnessed how panicked I was at that time. (Oh sorry, I am digressing. I actually don’t think I put this incident as one of my blog entries). So going back to that recollection, I remember one of the facilitator said that commitments are necessary so you won’t feel like as if you’re floating on space. She’s right, I know.

But then, isn’t it that it is also making a commitment when you choose not to commit on one certain thing? I did not join those organizations because I chose to make a commitment on something else. Oh well, non sense. I’m just using a defense mechanism.

Probably, this 2006 as it is my year of graduation, I will be making a lot of commitments. I ought to commit to one particular job. I probably will have to commit to a person of the opposite sex. Huh? Did I say that? Boyfriend this year? Let’s see.

And speaking of boyfriends and love. My Theology teacher actually told a crazy love story of a rich Bacolod girl and a cowboy from Baguio. And though my teacher is a priest, he warned us that love can really be crazy. Love can go wild. I felt afraid actually.

So no more resolutions coming. Just a waste of time I guess. Oh by the way, Ia m not sleeping before 12 but I am planning to exercise before sleeping.